PLease Help...I've made so many mistakes

[DGuy]

Hello...I'm new to the board and would like to tell my story and hopefully some people out there can maybe get me on the right track. I am 32 years old and my girlfriend is a very mature 22. We have been together for a year and a half. She came into my life at a time when I really needed someone (and after 5 or 6 months I realized I was in love with her) and has been an angel to me ever since. She loves me and is excellent at giving and taking in a relationship. We very recently broke up (as we have a few times before) but she says this time is for good because she is no longer happy and althought she loves me she doesn't like who I am. She's right.....I don't like who I am either. I am selfish, self centred, and a controller. I am not a good listener and I don't put into a relationship what I should. I see this now but it is too late. The problem is: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and she wanted to marry me as well. I know what it would take to make her happy and I want so bad to change so I can give her the love and respect that she deserves and gave me. I tell her this and she says they are just words that I've spoken before and does not believe this time will be any different. This time will and is different because I can honestly say that I have had my eyes opened to the problems and I want to correct them.. A girl like this is a once in a lifetime and I truly believe that we were meant to be together but we aren't because of me. How do I fix this? How do I make her realize I want to change? I would not care so much if I did not believe that this girl is the one ( I have feelings for her that I have never had in any other girl I have ever dated) I don't understand how I can treat her this way when I know from the bottom of my heart that I love her. The thought of losing her forever is tearing me up and I feel that I at least cannot give up. I am getting help with some issues but the thought of life without her is unbearable..any and all advice is appreciatted...thanks.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

If you really want this woman and you are sure that you want to change then please get the help first then show her the proof and then maybe when she sees that you actually got the nerve to go and get help..then maybe then...and it is a big maybe she will reconsider..but for the saintity of you and her,,,...please get this help..

 

I am a 23 year old with a 28 year old man...he is very emotionaly selfish. He can buy me things all day long..but If I cry he can't afford to give me a hug. i wish he could see what you have been brave enough to see here!

 

I hope you are not just being emotinal but logical and looking forhelp for real.

Good luck...

[Slypknot]

Hi Dguy - and welcome to the board.... lots to be gained by the peeps here.

 

Your story is - sadly enough - very very common. One person gets comfortable and takes advantage of the other until they leave. Then when they leave the person says they'll change... the other comes back and things are good - for a little while... then the bad behavior returns again. This is what battered/verbally abused wives/husbands go through and most would call it insane to return to such a relationship without some MAJOR-long lasting-changes taking place.

 

It sounds like you've said all these things before to her - and didn't follow it up. Maybe what you're feeling is not a longing for her, but a fear to be by yourself. I'm 31 and know that feeling very well. I was/am crazy inside at times for my X-wife, wanting her more than anything when she doesn't want me...but the moment she wants me back in her life I suddenly change and now see it for what it really is - something which doesn't make either of us happy. It's a combo of a fear of being alone, a self esteem problem and an issue with someone NOT wanting to be with me! It makes me wanna pursue em even more.... odd huh?

 

So my advice is - start LIVING what you're telling her. Hopefully the things you've told her you'd change don't all have to do with being with her. Most, I assume, are things you need to change about yourself such as the things you listed in your post - well start living them. Don't be selfish (with her), be kind, understanding, listen to what she says, etc... showing her your changing means WAY more than just telling her.

[sayer7]

I've been in your ex-girlfriends shoes before. I used to be involved with a man 15 years my senior who was self-fish, insecure, controlling, and generally hard to live with (when I say controlling I'm talking about him forbidding me to talk to my parents, video cameras recording my every move in every room of the house, forbidding me to go back to school to get a masters degree, no male friends, etc- can you imagine why I left him?? hehe) Anyways, the point is, I really don't hold a grudge against him anymore. Why? Because I realized he needed professional help and it wasn't MY responsibility or within my ability to give him the help he needed. In other words, he was beyond my ability to 'save', so I left and I never looked back. Maybe this type of co-dependent relationship is the same type of relationship you had with your ex-girlfriend and the reason she's decided not to come back to you is the same reason I decided not to go back to my ex 3 years ago.

 

For a year my bf tried to convince me he'd changed and to come back to him. But whenever I asked him "Have you sought professional help?" he always said "I went for about a month but the counselor said I was perfectly normal so I stopped going." Well you can imagine how fast I ran back to him. I haven't spoken to him for almost 2 years now.

 

The point I'm making is this...If you want to prove that you're serious about making a change, becoming a different person, learning the better ways to behave and think... then you NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. You have to realize though, your ex-girlfriend, your psychologist, and your counselor won't make you into a better person... only you will. And one month at a counselor won't make you a better person either... you MUST stick with it for the long haul- you might be with your professional help for the rest of your life-- do so if it helps you learn how to be a better person. You have to start living the way you wish you'd been living when you were with your ex-gf. Commit yourself to becoming a better person. Spend a significant amount of time breaking your bad habits until better habits are second nature--- THEN maybe you'll be ready for the responsibility of being in a romantic relationship with someone, treating them with the respect, love, and compassion they deserve.

 

You're not changing to attract her back to a relationship... you're doing this to LIVE better, BE happier, feel GOOD about yourself.

 

If my ex had been able to show that he had accomplished, with hard work and perseverence that he'd been able to improve himself that way-- then yes, maybe I would consider resuming communication and maybe a distant friendship with him today, 3 years later.

 

 

Just my two cents on how you might be able to prove yourself to your ex-gf. It might take a lot to convince her, but if you honestly think you want her to be some part of your life in the future-- you CAN change for the better, for yourself!!

 

Hope this helps and I hope I haven't offended you or sounded too harsh. Best of luck!

[DGuy]

Alot of what you guys are saying makes sense and I know I have to change if not for her then for perhaps a future girlfriend. It's not that I'm that bad of a guy, I was just plain lazy when it came to working on the relationship. I wanted so much, but was willing to put in so little. Well, no more!!! It may be too late to save this relationship ( I really hope it isn't)but I will change who I am to make myself happier and make me a better partner in relationships.....Thanks..........D

[Blue_Baby]

Hey DGuy,

 

I don't know if my post will give you any valuable advice, but I just want to tell you that I know how you feel. In fact, I think I am the female version of you. Similarly, my ex boyfriend treated me like I was a princess when we were together. I, on the other hand, was much less kind to him. But I wasn't mean to him because I didn't love him, because I loved him like no one before him. I think back, and I realize that I was unkind to him because I was afraid to lose him... I know this sounds insane, but maybe you'll relate... My rational was: if I'm mean to him, I wont love him as much so when he dumps me I wont feel as hurt. I guess I was scared to really love someone, so I set myself up for disaster from the start. Now I'm full of regrets and I wish I could have done things different, much like yourself...

 

My advice to you is to figure out why you treated ur gf badly in the beginning. Are you really just a bad person? or were you acting badly to her because of a more complicated reason. If you figure out the answer to this, you can tell your ex gf about it, and maybe she'll see that you really did put time into thinking about ur past actions... Maybe she'll even give you a second chance.

 

Good Luck anyways... Cheers