another odd night

[astaro]

the day started with an MSN message from her saying we have game related things we need to take care of. so i picked her up (she lives right next to me and isn't mobile) and we went to a mutual friends place, we sat around for a couple of hours taking care of our stuff and i got on the computer to check if its going to rain or not (drive a bike so i keep close tabs on the weather). anyway the site told me there is a lunar eclipse starting at midnight and ending at 2am, i decided i would drive up to the beach to see it on my way home. by the time we finished the eclipse had already started and due to the fact that i was going to give her a ride home and it was late we ended up going up to a cliff above the beach together to watch the eclipse, sat there for about half an hour just staring at the sky (the moon has an odd red color). we didn't talk much and when we did talk it was mostly about constellations and such (she is trained tour guide/nature scout so knows how to navigate by stars). bottom line i had a really nice time with her and it just reminded me of all the doubts i have.

 

no real reason or question behind this, i just miss her and these doubts are killing me. hopefully once we get closer to the two month separation period i will finally have some clarity of vision back. ](*,)

[Wandering_Sword]

It's going to take longer for your "clarity of vision" to come back if she's hanging around you. Feeling what you're feeling and having her around even once a week or even a month will shake you up. But if LC is what you are comfortable with, more power to you brother. But something like that would sink me faster than that iceberg to the Titanic.

[astaro]

i dont really have a choise, i am going to see her atleast once or twice a week wether i like to or not, we participate in the same activity, nither of us wants to leave and nither of us would ask the other to leave (that just wouldnt be fair) so only real option is to be as nice and as carefull as i can. a lot of blurry borders in this situation, lots of things you should and shouldnt do. but alas this is my only option.

[friscodj]

But something like that would sink me faster than that iceberg to the Titanic.

 

...or sometimes open up an exit wound you could toss a cat through...

 

At any rate, I agree with what the man said...more power to you. You're going to get an education from this if nothing else...

[astaro]

oh boy, the ex before this one gave me a high quality catholic school education, girl was a compulsive liar, i cant even begin to list everything she did wrong, and she was sooo bloody good at it no body noticed, for 3 long years. i only realised what was going on after she left. scary part is i was so love struck i could have stayed with her for a very long time if she hadn't left.

[friscodj]

Well, maybe you need to get a Master's degree with this then!

 

Read what you wrote again there about how you would have stayed in that situation. Sound familiar? See a pattern? Food for thought perhaps...

[astaro]

this might also be scars from that relationship showing their ugly face. in that specific situation i loved her because she was very good at lying and keeping her stories consistent, i realised that she spent her life moving from place to place (every 2-3 years) and completely change her personality, none of my close friends (who where also close to her) saw any of this either.

 

but i do agree that there is a pattern, i am very insecure, always have been. problem is if i try to rationalize according to my insecurity i could either be afraid to be alone and thus wanting to go back or i might be afraid to stay with her due to rough past experiences and am over reacting to things.

[Wandering_Sword]

Could you join another group of LARPers? And what ever happened to sitting around a table with books or miniatures, eating pizza and drinking pop and using your imagination. Damnit, that's how the rest of us nerds did it back in the day! Gods, did I just admit I'm a nerd?!?

[astaro]

i pride myself in my nerdiness

 

and i wouldn't leave the group, its a good solid game run by an excellent GM and there is nothing more fun then plotting to kill your friends in horrible ways

[friscodj]

this might also be scars from that relationship showing their ugly face. in that specific situation i loved her because she was very good at lying and keeping her stories consistent, i realised that she spent her life moving from place to place (every 2-3 years) and completely change her personality, none of my close friends (who where also close to her) saw any of this either.

 

but i do agree that there is a pattern, i am very insecure, always have been. problem is if i try to rationalize according to my insecurity i could either be afraid to be alone and thus wanting to go back or i might be afraid to stay with her due to rough past experiences and am over reacting to things.

 

This is profound my friend. Re-read this a few times, let it sink in, and I think the answers will come to you.

 

You just have to follow the path they are pointing to, that is the much harder part with all of this.

[Wandering_Sword]

Then the nerds have it... Good luck to you. But do you have to transport her as well? How about cutting her off from that.

Also you mentioned that you ride a bike, what is it? Just curious, I'm on a 2006 Honda CBR 600RR (Red and black).

[friscodj]

I'm on a 2006 Honda CBR 600RR (Red and black).

 

No kidding? I roll an '01 R6. Cool...

[Wandering_Sword]

Sweet. I was going for a Yamaha at first, but they didn't have any in stock (my colour) so the salesperson steered me to the Honda and it was love at first sight.

[friscodj]

The CBR is a very worthy and race-proven machine! You can't go wrong really...R6, R1, CBR, ZX, GSXR, all great bikes and getting better as technology progresses. Maybe next year I'll trade up to a new ride...

[Wandering_Sword]

True, very true... The Hayabusa is looking pretty good too. What do you think of that company Hyosung? The bikes don't look too bad and they're cheap too, but you know anything about the quality? Incidentally, what type of lid are you wearing? Yo astaro, where are you? The conversation is on bikes now, that should take your mind off the chica

[friscodj]

True, very true... The Hayabusa is looking pretty good too. What do you think of that company Hyosung? The bikes don't look too bad and they're cheap too, but you know anything about the quality? Incidentally, what type of lid are you wearing? Yo astaro, where are you? The conversation is on bikes now, that should take your mind off the chica

 

I know, where did he go? He's missing out on our subtle psychological redirection tactics here!

 

The Busa actually is considered a sport touring bike I believe. They aren't true race bikes. The CBR, R6/R1, GSXR are all raced in Moto GPs but the Busa would kill them all in a straight line race under any decently competent rider given all the bikes were stock. In the twisties maybe a different story and maybe nitrous would help one of the others keep up but even then a tall order vs. the Busa. The Kawa ZX-14 is supposedly faster than the Busa, on paper anyway.

 

I have never heard of Hyosung. Sounds like the Hyundai of motorcycles to me. I'd stick to the proven machines myself.

 

As far as lids, everyone should have the standard el cheapo HJC in their garage! I have one of those for a passenger and a Scorpion EXO700 for myself. It is a top-rated helmet right up there with Arai, better than Shoei, for half the price. Great lid, I highly recommend it. Great graphics too. They make one called the "crackhead" that is sick. $200 MSRP.

[astaro]

lol, i went to sleep

 

nothing interesting about what i drive at the moment, its affordable and reliable mostly. i live in a big city with hardly any parking so a bike is the best option for me.

 

and good luck trying to divert the subject, i am the king of over analizing and over thinking things. can never really get my brain to shut up

[Wandering_Sword]

 

As far as lids, everyone should have the standard el cheapo HJC in their garage! I have one of those for a passenger and a Scorpion EXO700 for myself. It is a top-rated helmet right up there with Arai, better than Shoei, for half the price. Great lid, I highly recommend it. Great graphics too. They make one called the "crackhead" that is sick. $200 MSRP.

 

Doh! I have a Shoei Joust for myself and was thinking about picking up another helmet. I'll definitely look into the Scorpion. Well we both (friscodj and myself) tried getting your mind off of it , still I'm curious about your ride astaro. A ride is still a ride and do you have to give the ex a lift? When she left doesn't she automatically lose all privileges with you? Just a thought...

[astaro]

for starters i was the one that left. second she lives on the other side of the road, i just feel silly not giving her a ride when we are going to the same place and back.

 

have a joy ride 200 atm.

[Wandering_Sword]

I'm curious then, on a given week how often to you and the ex interact? Or are there times that you don't even see each other? Also, are fine with the level of contact you have now or would you like to reduce it?

[astaro]

i would say we probebly see each other about twice a week. (broke up 22 days ago).

 

i am fine with the ammount of contact, yes. i am not really fine with some of the things she has done. on thursday she gave one of my best friends a hug that lasted a little to long in my book (lasted around 5-10 seconds) which kinda freaked me out (they have a bit of a history, she would have probebly been with him for a while if we hadnt met). anyway i confronted her about it, basically told her she could do whatever she wants but when she is around me to please consider my feelings and remember that even though we are apart it still hurts me, so just dont do stuff like that infront of me. she said she was sorry and that she felt warm, missed that feeling so she stayed a little to long, the topic was brought up again on saturday (by her) and this time she said it was weird for her and she also felt like it took to long.i am not worried about anything happening between them, i know this guy would never stab me in the back. its just the thought of another man touching her that makes me sick.

 

she told me about a guy she went out with which is another thing i asked her not to talk to me about.

 

feels to me like she is trying to "win me back". i told her over and over again that the relashonship is over and she needs to move on. she said she feels guilty about a rebound but said she really needed one, i told her to go for it, just not tell me about it.

 

i am mostly fine with seeing her (even though she's hot, and i am horny i still miss her like crazy and going through a really rough time, promissed my self that i will not take any decision i make within 2-3 months after the brake up as anything more then my emotions going crazy. something inside me wants to get back together with her but i also realise that i have been unhappy for a really long time now and need to figure out why.

 

 

Edit - i think the reason i left was because i want to be with a girl that wants me and not with a girl that needs me. i am sick of being a pillar of stability. i want to be with someone who gives me the chanse to brake down which is something i cant do when i constantly need to be supportive.

 

though i have never told her that i think she is to needy and clingy, i have told her during our relashonsihp that she needs to spend more time with her friends and without me. it is my belife that telling someone they are to needy and clingy will mostly send them spiraling down instead of fixing the problem, its the kind of thing people need to realise on their own to actualy make a change.

[Wandering_Sword]

I'm a little confused. She hugs another guy in front of you and you get upset, and then you tell her to move on and not to try and win you back. Sounds like you want the best of both worlds here. You want to keep her close but far enough so that she's "supposed" to learn how to improve herself. Aren't these things supposed to be worked out as a couple? Are you sure you're not keeping her as a backup because if you read over what you wrote in the last post and what some people are complaining about their exes, there is some similarities.

If you miss her like crazy and having a rough time why don't you step back as you are the dumper because she could be getting false hope from you and from the sounds of it you may not be doing too well with the breakup either.

[astaro]

i don't mind if she hugs other people, don't mind if she goes out with other people, only thing i asked of her is not to do it in front of me.

 

i am not initiating contact with her at all outside of the game, not touching, all she knows about what i am going through is that i am having a rough time basically.

 

the problem with me saying things like what i ended my last post is that is only one side of things, that's the reason i broke it off, the reasons i am second guessing myself is because i also think she is beautiful, loving and sweet, she has been there for me through some really rough times.

 

you are at least partially right though, i defiantly have a fear of being abandoned and multiple (totally psychological, i don't really have a good reason) self esteem issues. i realised through my relationship with her that a lot of my choices in life come from fear rather then hope. and that's a very unhealthy way to live your life. those are all issues i am working on, but they are most likely contributing to my situation in multiple ways.

 

most of that came to me while i was with her. i don't know if she was the reason or just a bystander though. i do know that i have changed a lot over the past two years, i am not sure what those changes are yet, or how they are going to impact the rest of my life and thats another uncertinty that might be affecting me.

 

wow, writing that really took a lot out of me.

[Wandering_Sword]

It's good that your mind is flowing from this, sometimes it helps to get it out there so you can see what you really want from this separation. A lot of people get the gut reaction to break up when something is not right and not really think about why they truly did it in the first place.

[astaro]

i gotta say, your very good at getting people talking

 

still don't know what i am going to do about the entire game thing yet, guess i will give it a week or two and see how i am feeling about this.

 

at least i don't need to give her a ride this week.