kate111 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 I've read so many books and things on the topic of break ups. Some advocate no contact and letting the other person wonder about you. Whilst others say you should just agree with the other person, accept it and then move on. What do people here think? Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 I've read so many books and things on the topic of break ups. Some advocate no contact and letting the other person wonder about you. Whilst others say you should just agree with the other person, accept it and then move on. What do people here think? I don't think it really matters what approach you take if your ultimate goal is to heal and move on. I would say maybe do a combination of both: agree and try to understand their point of view or at least try to come to terms with the idea that if the relationship wasn't working for them, it wasn't working for either of you. Then you can really accept their decision, do NC and move on. Link to comment
blender Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 It's not always about "understanding" why, but more importantly it's more about "acceptance" that the ex is not willing to make a loving loyal committed effort to be in your life, in a mature mutual relationship. Once you "accept" this, you can let go with love, and start no contact because it's the right healing thing to do when you are still emotionally vulnerable regarding the ex.. It gives the ex the opportunity to experience life with out you, and to "Maybe" discover if they have any authentic feelings, and if not, then you have taken the time to heal and move on.. no contact done in a loving self respecting way is a "win-win" choice, no matter what the outcome is regarding the ex... either they make a choice to contact you with a clear intention of working on the relationship, or they don't either way during the "no contact" you are grieving, healing, and moving on... Sometimes we never truly understand "why" they left us, but it's in "acceptance" of the choice they made that leads to our healing. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 So what if the way they ditched you was mean? Are you still nice to them? Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 So what if the way they ditched you was mean? Are you still nice to them? I think NC helps you get around having to make that decision until you reach a point where you are indifferent toward the ex and won't worry about whether you should be nice or mean, you just treat them like any other acquaintance. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 Yeah but what if they email you to try to explain their reasons? Some books say that by being defensive (ie not replying) you are not listening to them and they will feel that you don't listen to them or understand them. Then they feel justified in breaking up with you. Link to comment
blender Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 It's not about what the EX thinks, it's about what YOUR truth is, if the ex is sending you a text or email explain their reasons, and yet they are NOT asking to reconcile, then it's still all about them, alleviating thier own guilt, and so you can in a self respecting way respond with: Thank you for giving me your explanation, if you are doing this because your intention is to reconcile for "us" then I would need you to clearly let me know, if not, then I wish you the best and hope you find what you are searching for.. (sign your name) Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Yeah but what if they email you to try to explain their reasons? Some books say that by being defensive (ie not replying) you are not listening to them and they will feel that you don't listen to them or understand them. Then they feel justified in breaking up with you. What is your goal? Getting back together or moving on? (Perhaps that is a false distinction because maybe getting back together requires moving on?) Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 But if you say you will definitely reconcile isn't that making things a bit too easy for them? Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 3, 2007 Author Share Posted March 3, 2007 What is your goal? Getting back together or moving on? (Perhaps that is a false distinction because maybe getting back together requires moving on?) Both, but either is fine. Link to comment
blender Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 You're not saying YOU will DEFINITELY reconcile, you are having the self respect and maturity to ask him what "HIS" intentions are, then you and only then can you make a choice as to whether you are open to trying again or not... it's one courageous, self respecting, honest step at a time... it's about wanting to know the truth and having the courage to accept it and move on no matter what the outcome of that "truth" may be... right? If you don't set some standards/values regarding the ex and why he is contacting you.. then why would he set any standards/values for how he treats you? YOU are in control of what you are willing to risk as far as your heart goes, and if the ex is not asking, or making an intentionally clear effort to "try again" as a couple, then there is no reason for you to continue to be in contact while your heart is still too vulnerable to just be a "buddy" to him... it's important to not let yourself get "defined" as a "just a friend" when it's not emotionally sincere, and it can't be emotionally sincere friendship if deep down you are "hoping for more"... right? Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 Both, but either is fine. Hmm...well as for getting back together, the only time I had a guy who dumped me came back was when I had gone on to date some other guy, broke up with him, and was still hung up on him. The other ex would give me advice on what do to, how to treat guys etc and then he revealed that he wanted to get back together. I would say from that experience, truly moving on and giving up on the idea of being with an ex makes it possible in the future for you to get back together. Things didn't work out with that guy because I couldn't forgive him for the past but I guess if I could have, we would have truly reconciled (we dated for a bit but then I just realized I couldn't go back). Link to comment
NyGentleman Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 What if a girl you dated, broke up with the ex while you guys were friends, than dated you after some time healing from the past, only to realize she wasnt over her past just when things were getting serious with the both of you...and ultimately walked away ...how do you deal or understand that one.... This is my life right now and am having one hell of a time realizing that 2yrs friendship, 4mos closeness/hookups, 4 days relationship ended with a snap of the finger Oh yeah and NC for a week or so now.... Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hmmm. It's all just so depressing. Will I really get over this? So maybe I should just write back to him saying something acknowledging he has written to me. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 What if a girl you dated, broke up with the ex while you guys were friends, than dated you after some time healing from the past, only to realize she wasnt over her past just when things were getting serious with the both of you...and ultimately walked away ...how do you deal or understand that one.... This is my life right now and am having one hell of a time realizing that 2yrs friendship, 4mos closeness/hookups, 4 days relationship ended with a snap of the finger Maybe get angry and then do no contact for awhile. Link to comment
NyGentleman Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Yeah NC for awhile for her to realize once again that the past will only hurt her...The true test will i be able to accept she wasnt the one for me when she comes back one day ...or asks me to be there for her when time are hard... Link to comment
blender Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hmmm. It's all just so depressing. Will I really get over this? So maybe I should just write back to him saying something acknowledging he has written to me. Yes, you will get over it, you can make a choice to "rise above it" and to accept that he is not ready for the relationship that you deserve to have in your life. Remember there are times in life where we just have to be sad for awhile, this is an opportunity to discover your own strength, to empower yourself with truth and self respect, and to celebrate your independence and all the wonderful adventures, love, and joy that YOUR future has waiting for you.. he is not the "holder of the key to your validation or happiness".. only YOU hold that key.. So hang on to it, that's yours.. all the hopes, dreams you "attached" to him, are not HIS, they are yours, you still have them, re-attach them to yourself, and your own future, and know that you only want to be with a man who shares YOUR values and standards for what you desire in a relationship... and for right now this guy does not "share" this with you... So onward, and upward, breathe, cry, feel good about yourself, and the discovery of how deeply you can love another, and love YOURSELF that way.. this is the way to let go, heal, and grow past all this.. it's takes time, but it starts with "no contact" and if you do want to reply to what he wrote to you.. just simply write: "I hope you find what you are searching for, and that you have happiness, with love, (sign your name) This is the mature, accepting, letting go, classy way to respond, and if you are not ready to respond, then just don't do anything for a few days, allow yourself to think it through to feel all your feelings, and to remember he can not "alleviate or fix how you are feeling"... that is only up to you.. take care of you for today... do not respond if you are not "emotionally sure' on how you want to do so.. there is no "emergency" here to respond to.. so just sort out your thoughts.. Write down all your 'feelings" about him and in another piece of paper write down all the FACTS about him.. see how many of these things match up.. it will help you gain some perspective... Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Kate- Are you still desperately searching for validation for your denial of the truth of your situation here? You posted a very similar post as this before, maybe even word-for-word. It sure sounds like it to me. You want someone to say "Yes! Hold on and he will come back!" You're looking in books, on here, and likely from your friends as well. In light of your persistence with this, here it comes Kate... Yes, I think you should hold on and try to "win" this guy back. I really think you need to see and feel for yourself what people are trying to tell you here. Where do you think they're advice comes from? Firsthand experience and there is no substitute for that. No one can describe the feelings associated with your proposed course of action. I say go explore and find out for yourself...seriously...the gift of discovery is priceless and you may find more than you think along the way that will change your life for the better. Link to comment
blender Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 yep, sometimes the truth hurts, but some people are like "alcoholics" when it comes to an ex, and the EX is the "alchohol".. they think and can't resist at times, "just one more drink" and then once I experience "another emotional hangover" then I'll know it's not good for me, and then I'll walk away.. and then, and then, and then...and then.... you eventually hopefully realize you are now "addicted to the pain" because in some false way it keeps you attached to the ex, and puts your own life on hold, and prolongs the "acceptance" and your own healing.... Trust Kate, that for now you are powerless over how this man feels and your emotions regarding him have become unmanagable... it's time to try one day at a time to "realize that he does not hold the key to your happiness"... no contact is YOUR healing choice... let go, let god... be in acceptance, it's tough, but the right thing to do is usually the most difficult.. You don't need another "drink" of him... it will only prolong your healing process, start one day at time, to NOT give in to your "feelings regarding him"..just feel them, work through them, grow past them... and heal.. move on to love again... He's just become a "bad emotinal HABIT" in your life, it's time to break this unhealthy habit and it starts with "no contact". Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Yes you are right. Thanks for making me feel better. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 So I shouldn't respond to his email then? Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 So does this mean I am in a state of arrested development or what? Link to comment
blender Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Okay, start asking YOURSELF some questions so we may be of more help: Answer these with what you will feel emotionally "afterwards". What honestly good do you see coming to YOU if you reply to him? Will you be emotionally okay if he doesn't respond to your reply? What self respecting reasons do you have for replying? list at least two? What do you HOPE would happen if you respond? What is it you wish to say to him? and Why? Imagine how wonderful you would feel if you didn't reply and you just gathered up all your courage to "accept" that he's not willing to be intentionally in a loving loyal respectful committed relationship with you.and that he is no longer worhty of your energy, anger, positive hopefulness, isn't this the your truth? Answer the above questions and then you might find out what is best for YOU to do.. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 So does this mean I am in a state of arrested development or what? Sit with the words of others for a while and see if your understanding of such is enough to convince you otherwise. If after some time and thought with this you still feel you should invest more of yourself into this situation, I say do it for the reasons I stated before. The pain will be temporary but the deep wisdom only gained through firsthand experience will last forever. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 1. So I can feel I have tried to understand him. So that people I see out and about don't think I am angry or hurt. So that he isn't driven further away from me. 2. I will be ok in the sense that I wont kill myself, but yeah it may hurt. 3. Shows I am mature, shows I am in control of my emotions and am reasonable. Also shows that I can accept and deal with reality and am not running away. Shows that I truly love him even though he may be rejecting me. 4. I would hope that he will gain a new respect for me because I understand him. He will feel closer to me. I would hope he would be surprised by how easily I dealt with this and perhaps that will make him love me more. 5. What I REALLY wish is to tell him how much he has hurt me and ask the REAL reasons for break up. But I know that is a bad idea. What do you think of those reasons? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now