Why am I analyzing a lost cause still? Hurt about recent breakup!!

[NyGentleman]

In a short summary, friend of 2yrs, we both are in relationships...things are fine..

Relationships fall apart, we find eachother and after some moving on issues we finally become intimate etc...4mos go by and things are great, the ex's are pretty much out of the picture and we are moving along nicely together happy as can be (so i thought)

 

Background on her ex, he treated her like crap...(one quick story i am reminded of is when she called me from jersey which is 2hrs away from me to ask if something went down while she was on vaca with the bf if i would go and pick her up)...and the nervous breakdown randomly one day when visiting her as a friend bc her friends stop talking to her, school grades have been slipping and everything is falling apart since the drama escalated with the bf/ex...finally depression set it and bad decisions were being made...yeah things like that ...so you get the picture...

 

Anyway things are great between us, intimacy is crazy (like 2-3x a day sometimes) but vday rolls around ...i go out of my way in a snow storm to bring her dinner/flowers and a necklace..she gives me a shirt, and things are great once again..so i ask her out..we become official...

 

The following weekend after a night spent together i get the weirdness, that look of uncertainty. So for whatever reason i ask, do you still wanna be with me? and to my huge surprise i get the i cant handle this right now, i cant do it, i have to be honest, i have been a nervous wreck over all this and i couldnt come to terms to tell you im so sorry im confused blah blah blah....I dont think im ready to be serious with anyone yet....

 

Well a string of emails follows and like a light switch all of her feelings for me gone, turned right off, for whatever reason the seriousness scared her away to some degree...after a lot more emails of frustration mostly on my part i get the final one from her, something in the lines of here is your closure im sorry for everything but im not over my past, i think its best you move on with your life, and hopefully one day you can forgive me, we can be friends bc i wanna be there for you like you have been with me no matter what....

 

Im speechless, 2yrs and 4 mos we progressively became an item, in less than 5 days its all gone....we haven't seen each other or spoke since that last email...and i get the feeling she is back in the ex boat again...the sudden turn off, the calls to the ex again (found out from her friend she thinks she might have called him again) and the bad decisions, like not coming to class (we go to college together) when a big project was due....round and round we go again? ](*,)

 

Why do i analyze all this still when it should be a blessing to have found all this out now....Im waiting for the phone call i need you please come pick me up or i need you to be there for me again ...i feel it coming....and i dont think i will be able to do it again ever...she really messed this one up for good...I was so good to her, how does someone walk away from something so good to go back to something that a) she already knows didnt work out and b) had someone who no one liked and treated her like garbage...i just dont get it...

[Aschleigh]

analyzing is fine. But you stil have to feel the pain. Sit with it, Be angry, be sad. Do nice things for yourself. Know that it's ok to still love her or feel whatever you are feeling. Know that what she had with you is different than what she has with anyone else. It is her loss. She may learn to regret it. She may not. Do some thinking about how you won't let this same situation happen again. You may never understand what she did or why.

She still had feelings for you, they don't go away overnight. She misses you sometimes. 10,000 people are in your same boat every day. Soon you will hardly remember why it hurt so much. Breathe, take a hot bath, find someone to talk on and on with about her. This too shall pass.

[NyGentleman]

Thanks, your right, every morning I wake up, i feel better and better...

Its the nights that really make me think ..and this is why its still hard for me to handle...It will pass ... I just cant believe with 2mos of school left before graduation and starting our lives in the real world she would go out like that with me of all people who've been there for her ... I guess i should have seen the red flags as they went up and been the one to move on first ...

[Dating Coach]

Background on her ex, he treated her like crap...(one quick story i am reminded of is when she called me from jersey which is 2hrs away from me to ask if something went down while she was on vaca with the bf if i would go and pick her up)...and the nervous breakdown randomly one day when visiting her as a friend bc her friends stop talking to her, school grades have been slipping and everything is falling apart since the drama escalated with the bf/ex...finally depression set it and bad decisions were being made...yeah things like that ...so you get the picture...

 

Not defending the guy or anything... he very likely is all that you suggest, but did you actually see him treat her like crap all of the time or was most of your information coming directly from her?

 

The reason I ask is because your story strikes a very familiar cord with me. I've known more than a few women who talked trash on their boyfriends and how they were being treated by them. I heard this nonstop. They would get tons of advice from friends and family to ditch the guy and move on yet they never did or even if they did it was short lived.

As I got to know the situation better with these girls, each and everyone of them were at least equally guilty for their relationship problems. Basically, it was the girl every bit as much as the guy. They had a hard time leaving because they knew deep down despite their complaining, that they were guilty of a lot of the problems.

 

I'm not saying that is the situation here, this just sounded very similar to those stories.

 

Anyway things are great between us, intimacy is crazy (like 2-3x a day sometimes) but vday rolls around ...i go out of my way in a snow storm to bring her dinner/flowers and a necklace..she gives me a shirt, and things are great once again..so i ask her out..we become official...

 

The following weekend after a night spent together i get the weirdness, that look of uncertainty. So for whatever reason i ask, do you still wanna be with me? and to my huge surprise i get the i cant handle this right now, i cant do it, i have to be honest, i have been a nervous wreck over all this and i couldnt come to terms to tell you im so sorry im confused blah blah blah....I dont think im ready to be serious with anyone yet....

 

Was she in contact with her ex at all during the time before her sudden shift? If she were still seeing him or talking to him on the side then perhaps she was happy just being in a "no strings attached" relationship with you. One week after becoming official she broke it off. That shows me she never really wanted to be official with you.

It could be that she was still talking to the ex during this time or it could be the fact that she was getting into a relationship with you that she didn't want so she then contacted her ex to kind of give her an out.

She also could have issues with having no one there. Perhaps she didn't want a serious relationship but hates being alone. Once you two became an item (something she didn't want) she fled to the ex to restablish a connection there... just to have someone.

Or it simply could be that she was never over him.

 

Regardless of what her true feelings were, the fact remains that she's not interested in getting into a serious relationship with you, but you were for her. The next step is to continue to move on.

 

Well a string of emails follows and like a light switch all of her feelings for me gone, turned right off, for whatever reason the seriousness scared her away to some degree...after a lot more emails of frustration mostly on my part i get the final one from her, something in the lines of here is your closure im sorry for everything but im not over my past, i think its best you move on with your life, and hopefully one day you can forgive me, we can be friends bc i wanna be there for you like you have been with me no matter what....

 

Again, clearly she didn't want to get serious. She backed completely out of it. As far as you being her friend like before... of course she wants that, she had a good friend who would help her out and do things for her that she needed. Personally, I wouldn't go back to this. Chances are that it would make things harder for you to move on and she's just going to be trouble in the future. She'll have more "problems" with the ex or another guy and come running to you which in turn will make things more confusing on your part, with you wondering what's going on, is there something rekindled, etc. It's best just toremove yourself from this huge potential problem.

 

Why do i analyze all this still when it should be a blessing to have found all this out now....Im waiting for the phone call i need you please come pick me up or i need you to be there for me again ...i feel it coming....and i dont think i will be able to do it again ever...she really messed this one up for good...I was so good to her, how does someone walk away from something so good to go back to something that a) she already knows didnt work out and b) had someone who no one liked and treated her like garbage...i just dont get it...

 

I wouldn't spend too much time analyzing it. It's not worth your time and you don't have the whole picture so even if you tried you wouldn't be able to fill in important gaps of information. She sure as heck isn't going to fill them in for you. It's a vicious cycle and I'd avoid it if I were you. You deserve better.

[finewhine]

Diggity Dog nailed it.

[NyGentleman]

Not that it matters anymore but she fed me all the stuff about wanting to be together the entire time and i honestly think it was until the ex started emailing her again that she started to get weird and think twice about whether or not she was over him....

 

Sucks for me bc the timing i guess sucked but in my defense i was the only one there for her as a friend and such through all the bs with her breakup, knowing all that you think she would have been honest from the beginning...the one thing i get out of all this is from her friend telling me she told her the other night i was "awsome in bed" ....guess i was a rebound....

 

Lastly if that was the case why is it everytime we NC (which if anyone is counting this would be the 2nd time we stopped talking) she comes back around more motivated to see me etc... all over again....regardless of the ex .,....

 

Also a side not i was wondering if anyone thinks its a good idea i de-friend her from all my online contacts (aim, myspace etc..) so she gets the picture even more so than now if its not clear, or if she just doesnt care....bc the one thing i know for a fact is she always checks my myspace page to see if anything has changed with me or if i write anything about her, etc....