Oh no, it's over!

[Blizzard]

Well, we've lots of obstacles in our marriage, and I tried to work on it. I did not get back the family unit I needed and wanted because my hubby is not happy where we are, financially, MY attitude, and the way I raise my son.

 

He told me IF I change to his way that this relationship will work out

 

He said that his life near his children from a previous marriage is more important to him than making us work. My son lost his Daddy a few months back, and he said he shouldn't be expected to provide for him. I can see his point about being along way from his children, I couldn't be far from my child.

 

He told me that we've had so many problems that he can't see it getting better. Admittingly, we have had alot thrown at us. Obviously, our relationship isn't strong enough to deal with it.

 

His parents will welcome him back anytime but not me, he said it hurts him that he can't be near them.

 

I kind of think it's right one minute/feel positive and the next minute I can't imagine life without him, that something will trigger and make us work? Are these normal feelings?

 

Blizzard x

[arwen]

Hey blizzard,

 

I read some of your other posts. I am so sorry the father of your child died, it seems that you've been going through quite a lot in the past few years. I have a few questions. You mention that your hubby doesn't like the way you raise your son. I don't understand that, what is it that is bothering him?

 

I find it quite unsupportive that he both expects you to move near HIS children and that he is unwilling to help you provide for your child. I think that as long as he says that YOU need to change, things are going south anyway. It takes two people to make any relationship work. In case of a sort of complicated family (both having children from other relationships), I think even more work on both sides is needed.

 

If he is not willing to be there for you and work on something good and stable, that is not helping you or your son. I think from here there are two options, either you divorce him and create a stable home by yourself for your son, or you try to convince your husband to go into counselling.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[Blizzard]

Hi Arwen,

 

Thankyou for your response.

 

My son has Aspergers Syndrome, I'm a typical Mum and discipline my son, but can be very soft. The slightest, 'Mum being soft,' he says I'm not bringing him up right.

 

I try to give my son everything. We only have one income, and he feels that his children should come before my son. I can't work due to depression, but he says that I should get out there and support him, not him - So he can support his own kids.

 

We moved away from his children, not because of them but because of the hassles, he believed and I did, that he would still see them. It didn't work out that way, and he misses them terribly. He feels I'm holding him back from seeing them, and perhaps I feel I'm holding him back too. I feel sad that our situation is preventing his happiness.

 

He feels he wants is old job back as it's more money, he feels he can provide more, he then said that he was going to go back because it's better and if I want to join him up there I can. I feel I can't as I'm making a life here, and no matter where we are, if he loves me he would make it work.

 

I feel I think it's best to let it go one minute and deeply afraid the next. I do know if I say let's make it work here, he'll be miserable and we'll end up hating each other.

 

My son isn't stable, hasn't been for a year and half...All the argueing, not wanting to do anything with him, I can't go on like this. We talked so many times, and said yes we'll change but it's not happening.

 

Blizzard x

[arwen]

Hey blizzard,

 

Thank you for sharing some more about your situation. I understand that depression can really keep you from working. Nothing is as debilitating as anxiety/depression. I have been there and it's a dark and lonely place

 

Are you in therapy or on medication? You have a lot on your plate, Aspergers Syndrome of your child, the situation at home, the loss of your ex. I think that counselling would really benefit your marriage. For things to work out, the first thing that is needed is the willingness to meet each others needs.

 

It's clear that your needs seem quite different. He wants to live near to his children, you feel attached to where you live now. But I think that if he can earn more and be closer to his family, that that could really help him a lot. Maybe that will take the pressure off a bit. What is it that you have here and not there where he wants to live? Would the improvement that that means for your marriage be worth the sacrifice you make for that? How far are his children away, and why are there problems between his parents and you?

 

Sorry for the interrogation

 

I have little experience here, but I want to help you where I can.

 

Arwen

[Blizzard]

Blizzard x

[BellaDonna]

I think it's prefectly normal to be scared. But I think you're going to be ok.

 

Change is scary.

 

But I can tell from what you wrote that you are a good mother. You know your son best, he has special needs- and "hard" discipline does not help a child with Aspergers syndrome. It sounds like your husband has major lack of understanding about the condition....and it also sounds like he (and his family) treats your son like a 2nd class citizen because of it- which is not fair.

 

I don't know the whole story, but from what you posted here- you and your son are probably better off on your own. If you cannot work due to depression and your son has special needs, you can probably qualify for government assistance.

 

It's hard to be a single parent- but if your partner is not supporting your parenting style and choices for your son- being on your own might be the better choice for you and your son in the long run.

 

I did not get back the family unit I needed and wanted because my hubby is not happy where we are, financially, MY attitude, and the way I raise my son.

 

He told me IF I change to his way that this relationship will work out

 

This worries me, because it seems that all of the blame is put on you- but in a marriage- a partnership -there is always 2 sides to every story and BOTH parties need to work on the marriage in order for it to be sucessful.

 

Since you already suffer from depression, divorce may be one of the biggest challenges you may face.

 

Are you close to your family? Do you have their support? Are you seeking treatment for your depression such as counseling?

 

BellaDonna

[Blizzard]

Just needing words of comfort..

 

Just told my little boy, and he was sad because now he has no Daddys left He's laid in bed shouting, 'What can my Daddy do that makes him happy so he can stay with me.'

 

Gosh, this is so painful. Please tell me the pain will stop.

 

Blizzard x

[BellaDonna]

Tell your son it has nothing to do with him. Kids always blame themselves. You need to explain it to him in a way he can understand. "Mommy and Daddy can't live together"....or something along those lines.

 

Is your son close with his grandparents or other relatives? If so now would be the time to keep him very occupied and spend special time together so he can see just how many people love him.

 

If he seems stuck on self-blame, a child psychologist/family counselor may be able to help,

 

 

BellaDonna

[Blizzard]

Thanks guys,

 

I'm doing ok, crying alot and a bit pale though. I know it's the right thing but the thought of not having the man I married around, makes me so sad. I'm 33 years old, and too old for another relationship now. The dream of having a family has gone.

 

I have seen hubby, but he came to collect his belongings. How can he walk away from our marriage easily, and not work something out? He just gets in his car and goes.

 

Blizzard x

[Blizzard]

Hi guys,

 

Well, there has been alot of tears but I now feel really odd

 

Most of the time I actually feel ok and saying to myself it will get better and I will be happy. It's that odd moment I cry and think I'll never see my husband again. I've dealt with so much these last few days, and getting all the important stuff under control and dealt with.

 

What does this mean? To think I'll be ok so quickly? Am I saying I know it's over deep down

 

I'm so frightened I'll be left alone, so I guess that's a problem for me, to learn to love myself and like my own company...I guess no-one will love me if I push them away with signals I'm not good enough!

 

Blizzard x

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think that for most people, a 'deepdown realisation' can come with an odd sense of peace. It's because if you know deep inside that things just end here, you know where your boundaries lie, where you want to be. That at least feels better than NOT knowing, although the consequences will be scary as well. It will mean a separation or even divorce. I think that if you KNOW that this is what is needed for you to be happy, that you should proceed from there. You want to live close to your family and create a stable and warm home for your son. You WILL be ok, but of course it will not be easy all the way.

 

I think that you can learn to love yourself and your own company by creating a situation in which that is your only option. I also think that if you know deep inside that ending your relationship is better for you, that you are already there for a part. It means that you love yourself, someone who doesn't love him/herself will more likely make choices to please others and not themselves. Does that make sense?

 

Hug,

 

Arwen