Do U have STEP CHILDREN?

[v8vachon]

I have a 12 yr old step daughter that I love dearly, however, between her hormones and mine, I lost it, it being the desire to embrace, please and accept. I am battling feelings or resentment or biterness towards her that I cannot help but show in my actions. What has she done? Nothing other than be herself and deal with her own little world. she lives with us, my husband and I have a 2 yr old of our own. That's gotta be tough on a 12 yr old to bare at times. I have exausted my "love" tank, there is no more fuel (tolerance) in me for her attitude, disrespect and plain just ungrateful behavior at times, my husband supports me to some degree, but he defends her as well, why not? she is his first born. I just feel as though it's me against her and I hate it. I'd like to know your experiences to hopefully find some hope in mine. thanks

[Ash]

I'm living in a blended family. Her boys are 12 and 10 at the moment. We have a son aged 16 months. I'm actually finding as time passes I'm growing closer to the older boys. I'm learning to accept that they're not mine but it doesn't really matter. They never had a "real" father it seems. He was around the first few years but was always so self involved that he only ever saw his boys as trophies.

 

I have three kids of my own that don't live with us most of the time and that's the toughest thing to take. What I see in the boys I miss in my kids.

 

There are no easy answers here I suspect. You just have to tough it out to some extent, and be as polite and respectul as you can be toward her. Treat her like an adult if that is easier because she's reaching the age where that is true more and more each day. Hopefully if you continue to live together and don't do things specifically to annoy or irriate the other you will grow closer again. You have to accept her for how she is, and her place in the family. Try not to resent you husband for siding with, and loving her.

 

Hormones are kicking in on her side, and whether she is your daughter or his there will be issues. That's just what kids that age are like. That's not anything to do with who mom is or isn't. She'll be testing her boundaries and likely overstepping them at times, but that's just a generic kid and preteen thing. Nothing any of us can do!!

 

Just try to roll with it and be there for her at times when she needs you ... even if she acts like she doesn't. In the end, she'll respect you for who you are and what you've done for her as she's grown up.

[v8vachon]

Hormones are kicking in on her side, and whether she is your daughter or his there will be issues. That's just what kids that age are like. That's not anything to do with who mom is or isn't.

 

Thank you for your response Ash, her mom has time and time again talked bad about me or made comments to her about me. I can give her the moon and still it would not be good enough for her. Her mom as not accepted or respected me in my husband life nor in her daughter's life so we dont speak at all. Every time she goes out of town to visit her mom, she comes back and I feel like there is a fortress built around her that I must break down. Ash, I dont know if I have it in me anymore to break down the walls that have been built up.

I can definitely try to distance myself from parenting her so much. Leave it up to her dad to do so. Maybe step back entirely.

[Ash]

Don't distance yourself too much. I'm sorry, that's not really what I meant. I think you can still parent without being as frustrated about things. There's a part in me that has to give up on some minor battles in order to lower my own frustration. Again, I'm not sure if it would be any different with my own kids. I'm talking here about things like peeing on the toilet seat, leaving dirty socks all over the place. Instead of getting on their case each time, I try to take it more in stride.

 

Hor mother should not be bad mouthing you. There is no call for that but unfortunately there is little you can do. The one thing you can do is try to lead be example. Don't drag your step daughters mother down while she's around and try to let her know that you and her dad don't think it's appropriate for anything negative to be said about you.

 

Breaking down the barriers each time she goes away and comes back is thankfully somthing I don't have to deal with. But as with other things in life, sometimes attacking something head on just makes things worse. See if you can get around the walls in other ways, or simply pretent that they just don't exist. If you'd mad or resentful or feel she is the same, just push past your own feelings and treat her as if she were your own, no grudges held.

 

I don't really think I have any great advice, and I hope I'm not steering you in the wrong direction. Perhaps it will just help you to have an outlet to talk about these issues with. Certainly, you can find that here.

[southerngirl]

Try to be her friend. Shes getting older now are there any interests that you can share together? Hobbies? A new interest?

 

Alot of times girls at that age may feel insecure about their hair and makup and boobs and clothes and are starting to discover that they are becoming a women and may not even be comfortable with that whole idea. I did think of something. What about helping her out with that stuff? Alot of bonding can happen when you are helping her look her best, if she would allow it.. Not as a mom... not as the boss.... but as her friend. She may love you for it. (now thats saying alot cause I have no idea what your like or what shes like )

 

I agree that you probally should back off of the discipline becuase your not her mom. She's going to resent that and like you said shes probally having a rough time of it. Its alot of change at that age to deal with. Try not to worry too much about what her mother says about you. She doesnt even live with her mom and it probally drives the ex crazy that some other women is raising her daughter. If you build your relationshiop with the daughter to be a strong foundation it wont matter what anyone does. That bond will be unbreakable. Show her as much respect and love as you can. Try toi remember what you felt like at that age. Try to emapathise with her. Try to put yourself in her place. How would you want you to treat a younger version of you?

[v8vachon]

Thank you southern girl and ash.. for some encouragement, unfortunately southern girl, I wish it were as easy as bonding over doing hair and painting nails...I have done all the bonding activities, they onlymake her expect more out of me, It did'nt help me get any closer to her, rather made her want more...." what next?" so to speak. We were very close when I was dating her dad, now that we live together, it has changed.

I talked to my husband and we agree that my relationship with her is dying, because I have put no effort these last few weeks to go out of my way for her. I'm just drained and I want our relationship to be the way it was, i just dont konw how to get it back.

[Ash]

It sounds like you need to give yourself a break or a change somehow. You sound quite resigned. Any way you can take a break from things somehow, or try a new acitvitiy to try and refresh something in your life? Perhaps that would help. In general, are you feeling depressed? If so, sounds like you need to do something to break out of that cycle.

[v8vachon]

No Ash Im actually not depressed... lol.. funny you ask. This situation is downing me though because it's something i feel is out of my control, and i hate being out of control, I lovechildren, I love my step daughter, I've been acused of " trying too hard ' with her and now I have dont feel like trying at all. How extreme i know! I feel like I lost, I wanted to be this great example of a step-mom and I feel like i've failed, it started with her mother brainwashing her and ended with me thinking " i'll let her mother have what she wants" because it takes such effort to all the time.