I am no psychic, but...

[Phedre]

Hi guys,

 

I am new around so let me tell you a bit about my story first.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about two years. 1 year close distance, when I lived in NY (I am French ) and 1 year long distance. I always wanted to live in NY but immigration is tough. My ex and I were almost engaged but in early December he freaked out and broke up with me. He is a commitment phobe of some sort for those of you who are familiar.

 

Anyway. So he broke up with me Dec 2. We decided we wanted to keep each others in each others lives. Also decided that communication was going to be tough at first. I started NC after a couple of emails for closure.

 

He emailed me for my birthday. The email was nice but sort of removed. Stupidely enough I got it late, so the day after my birthday, which was - too bad - our "non" 2nd anniversary. Anyway, replied after two days with a 2 lines thank you email.

 

Valentine's-day actually had a special flavour as it marked the end of my 8th week of NC. Supposedly, 6-8 weeks NC is what it takes for the dumper to "explore their loneliness"... understand to get the pictur of what life without the dumpee looks like.

 

So, after a nice day out with my girlfriends, I spent the evening at home. I logged on MSN to say hi to some friends and then set myself as “offline” as I was catching up with my emails. Then the strangest thing happened - mind you, “strangest” for me! Ex logged on. He hardly ever uses MSN - he mainly used it to communicate with me - he never uses it from work and he stayed online for about 30 seconds. My immediate thought was “he is checking on me to make sure I am home on V-day’s night and not out for a date”. But I chased away this idea as I had no way to know what he was thinking and that even if it was the case, it was still completely useless.

 

The next morning I had a Friendster Update for Ex’s profile - I freaking hate Friendster. He had added several pictures of him I took in several occasions. MY PICTURES!! I was puzzled… then pissed… then nothing! I was not going to claim the copyrights!!

 

Later on this day, I met up with the girlfriend who introduced Ex and I. I was surprised to know that she did not get the update as she is on his contact list as well. Ex actually chose to send it to me.

 

Bottom line, looks like Ex had a pity-party watching our pictures for V-day and decided to sort-of let me know.

 

He was online on MSN last night again... I was logged but set as offline. I sort of knew this was going to happen. When I saw him, I started to shake like crazy. I stayed offline. I am SO NOT ready to communicate with him.

 

Plus, I don't like the way he seems to be "fishing" for my attention. Don't like baits! NO LIKEY! But is he reaching out sort of? It just pisses me that he does not DO anything. Action speaks louder than words. There is not even words.

 

Input appreciated anyone. I'll probably stick to NC as 1. the distance makes everything more difficult 2. he will have to prove himself and come strong to get me back if he wants to 3. I am not ready to talk to him...

 

His birthday is in a bit less than a month. I think I'll just send him a short, sweet message. Plus, one of his friend is visiting Paris over this date...

 

Gosh, all of this is kind of weird turning!

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

[Belle]

I think you just need support. You already know teh answers. He's baiting you in a passive aggressive way. He misses you, but doesn't want things to change so he's hoping he can get a fix, if you let him.

 

If you're shaking at the thought of contact, you are nowhere near ready to talk to have contact with him. You may want to consider taking him off your contact list and going invisible to him. Later on, much later on, you can change that if you'd like. But for now, I think you just need to take care of yourself until you've gotten over it.

 

Courage.

[Phedre]

Merci Belle.

 

You are right. I know the answers and pretty much what I should do.

 

I miss and still love the guy. When we broke up my whole life plans were destroyed. I was so shocked, disappointed and sad, in such a pain.

 

What pisses me off is the way he deals with things. We both want to stay in touch. But this internet hide and seek game is ridiculous. I already knew that he was not mature enough and somehow "not ready" at all for a committed relationship eventually leading to marriage. He is just showing me how far he still is from it. He is acting avoidant and selfish. If he misses me, the only one he can blame is himself!

 

I just wish I did not feel concerned anymore by this simple fact but he is sending those stupid hidden messages. He's confused? What about leaving me alone until he figures out what he wants?! Or contacting me in a direct manner.

 

F*** that! He knows where to find me. I am sticking to NC!

 

I blocked him. Can't get myself to delete him from my contact list.

[Belle]

Anger is good. Hopefully it'll keep you resolute. Everything he's doing \now is going to reinforce your feelings that it wasn't going to work out.

 

There's nothing worse than a passive aggressive male. It's like being with a woman.

[Parsley]

You reminded me of myself in some aspects there. My ex was also never online, so I never even thought about him and msn. The first time I realised we'd been online at the same time and not spoken to each other, I didn't stop shaking for a long time, and cried for longer than that. I did similar to you about the contact list...I didn't want to block him, but I did delete him. So if he really wants to talk, he can do, he's not blocked, but I don't have to worry about whether or not he will, because I never know if he's online or not.

 

The others are right...he is baiting you. Wanting to get a reaction out of you. I know this feeling all too well. Before my ex dumped me he ignored me so much I would do anything. I wanted to get any kind of reaction out of him, I didn't care if it was compassionate, angry or whatever...I just couldn't stand the indifference. It sounds to me like he's doing that. He wants you to acknowledge him, and doesn't care whether it makes you happy or sad or angry.

 

The one thing that stopped me whenever I felt I *had* to contact him as a result of his various actions was my pride. I just couldn't bear the thought of him seeing my name appear on his phone or in his inbox and have him know that he still held some control over me. It's worked very well for me. The last time I contacted him was over the weekend (I think) and I didn't do that on purpose. (a message whilst I was still mostly unconscious - something I'm famous for amongst my friends!) Even then, all it included was my address, a request for him to post my things to me, and thanks. I don't intend to ever speak to him again unless I can possibly help it.

[Phedre]

Belle:

Funny comment!

You are so right. He is reinforcing my feelings that it was not / is not going to work. What the hell! He is using MY pictures to strait up his friendster profile. It was me nehind the camera. It was our memories, us together! How freaking insensitive! He even called one of his pics "Frenchness"!

 

Parsley:

You know that is the saddest thing actually. That he does not learn. That he keeps acting selfish. You are right! He is not even trying to think what seeing him around MSN or seing my pictures on Friendster does to me. what am I supposed to understand? Their could be just about 1 zillion theory about what his actions mean!

 

To tell you the truth now it's just making me so sad. I almost feel like he is mocking me. Because if all of this has a meaning, he still rather be sad and lonely than being brave and take the extra mile that our relationship needed to survive. And if it does not have any meaning, well it's plain insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings.

 

I want to try to be friends with him in a far future. so we will stay in touch somehow. I will rpobably see him over the summer to get my stuff back - I left so much of my stuff at his place in NY. I will email him over his birthday. Something short, nice but that will not ask for a reply.

 

I am just more and more disappointed by him. I thought he was he man of my life. How sad is this? When he is just a kid!