A Bizzare Situation - could use some help

[Reptile]

Hey everyone - this is the first time I've ever done anything like this (ie spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers) but I know it can only be good to get the advice of people who can be objective. So any feedback on the awkward (and long!) story I'm about to tell you would be much appreciated. Please bear with me, I know it's long, but the story itself is a long one... so cut me some slack. lol

 

First of all, I'm a 20 year old gay guy living in a small town with my parents. I am new to the area (prior to this I lived overseas, spending most of my high school career in another country). I have only lived here for about a year and a half and have only had one relationship with another guy in the last four years. So I'm still relatively new to the whole dating scene but I do know what I'm doing more or less when it comes to interacting with guys I'm interested in. I work in retail right now and am in the process of figuring out my next 'adult' move. It's been a solitary existence (being in an unfamiliar area and knowing pretty much no one), but thankfully I've never had a problem being indepedent and living a healthy lifestyle despite not having many people to socialize with. My co-workers are basically my only friends.

 

ANYWAY, in May of last year I was in the local grocery store and got rung up by the most insanely good-looking and adorable guy I've ever laid eyes on. I thought nothing of it at first and went about my business, but I did take note of what his nametag said. We'll just call him Frankie for now. As the weeks passed I found myself inside the store more and more frequently (for whatever reason). If Frankie was in there, our eyes always met. It got more and more noticeable each time. I would feel his stare on me as I walked within his sight and I tried my best to pretend like I didn't see him looking, but I always knew. In the back of my head I was always speculating if he was a gay guy who was interested in me, but too shy to dare to act on anything. This continued for a span of maybe 3 weeks before I took a small week's vacation to New York City. There, I met up with some old friends and casually brought up the situation. At this point he was just an attractive young guy that gave me butterflies whenever I'd see him and nothing more. My friends suggested that I talk to him, but I pointed out that it was easier said than done. They suggested making small talk whenever possible and to take it from there, maybe figure out his age (so as to ensure I wouldn't be hitting on jailbait). After coming back from New York I did just that. I got rung up by Frankie while on an evening run to get some rice and I politely made some small talk, asking him if he was in college. He said he just graduated High School, making him a year younger than me. Upon talking to him I realized that he was much shyer than I was (which is quite shy) but that he seemed to welcome the light conversation.

 

A week later I was in the store with my father. I had just finished my morning workout and was forced to come with him to get some last minute items before he took a business trip. I was dressed in a simple wifebeater and shorts - not what I usually like to wear out in public but I didn't really have a choice. I walk in and I see no sight of him, which was both good and bad (good because I looked disheveled, bad because I love seeing him). I quickly got what I needed to get and met my dad at the checkout. Lo and behold, Frankie was indeed there, bagging while he waited to open up. As we made our way to the registers, his eyes followed me. Majorly. I teasingly made eye contact for maybe two seconds before looking away. I rarely wear anything that flaunts my body in public so I am not entirely familiar with what it feels like to be checked out, but I felt some major checking out going on there. The chemistry was thick and I'll never forget it. As we waited in what was an already huge line, the checkout girl told me and my father that Frankie could take us on the next register - which was almost like something out of a movie. He rang us up and I could see that he was a little uncomfortable and shy being in such close proximity with me - but not in a bad way.

 

That revealing 5 minute exchange was what convinced me to do something really ballsy. I decided to write him a note. I ran it by a friend who told me that I should go for it since I was virtually unknown to everyone in the town and had nothing to lose. The note basically read like this:

 

"I am writing this to you so as not to invade or disturb your personal space or make you uncomfortable. I have noticed our eyes meeting and have been wondering what to make of it. If possible I would like to get to know you. In the chance that you are a) straight, b) freaked out, or c) both, you can ignore this letter. If not, you can call my number by midnight tonight. I won't be giving you any personal details other than my age, number and my first initial, just in case you're an [ who will try to humiliate me. I am not playing any games with you so don't fear that you're being suckered."

 

That was the gist anyway. After writing the letter over and over like 5 times, I finally perfected it and summed up the courage to go give it to him. I dropped by the store a few times that week only to find that he wasn't there. I began to wonder if he had quit. Then one day on my break from work, I had a sudden unspoken urge to go over there and sure enough, he was there. It worked out perfectly. I bought some sodas and came into the line behind him so that we were back to back (his register was closing). As the person in front of me was finishing up, I whispered Frankie's name, handed him the note in a blank envelope, and told him "this is for you, if you're a decent person, you'll keep it to yourself and read it alone." It was smoother than I could have ever anticipated. He didn't look at all bothered or confused and simply looked at me, nodded slightly and said "okay."

 

At this point it was like 7 at night and I had to finish up the last two hours of my shift at work. I was very fidgety but kept myself under control, knowing that it was very likely he wouldn't call. To cut to the chase, I got home at 9 PM, watched some TV and tried not to look at my cellphone, and before I knew it, it was midnight. He didn't call. I had already set myself up for this so I didn't feel sad, but I did feel pretty embarrassed and for lack of a better word, decieved. The story doesn't end here though.

 

The following few days I let my embarrassment heal and pondered over my whether my "letter" decision was too impulsive. I decided that the next time I saw him I would be the brave and mature guy and apologize. It was about a week later when I had to get groceries and sure enough, Frankie was there. I forced myself to get into his line. When it was my turn, he looked at me, smiled faintly and gave me a nod, as if to let me know that it was okay. As he finished scanning my things I told him "Look about what went down, I'm sorry." He shook his head, said it was fine and smiled again. And that was it - or so I thought.

 

As the months followed I barely saw him and he pretty much became a distant memory by my 20th birthday in September. By that time I was casually seeing a guy and working a lot, so my mind was elsewhere. One day I decided to make a change and get a buzzcut - just to see how it looked. I've kept it like that since, it's given me a strange new confidence. One day in November I dragged myself to the store to get some stuff for my mom and brother and took my brother along with me to help. Yep, Frankie was there. As my brother and I scoured one of the aisles I briefly saw Frankie walk in front of the aisles and look directly at me. Later as I was being rung up I saw Frankie bagging a few aisles down. After a few moments he seemed to purposefully come over to bag for me and my brother. I pretty much ignored him, staring straight ahead icily. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time, staring at me and my new hair. I muttered a thank you and left. By this point my attraction to him was still there, but the embarrassment from a few months prior was what made me force myself not to look into his eyes. The few times before and after this incident when Frankie and I saw each other, staring would still happen on his part, but I made the trips brief.

 

I stopped seeing the guy in January and pretty much stopped trying to date altogether. It felt like it just wasn't going anywhere. I felt fulfilled by myself anyway so I didn't feel like I needed to rush anything. A little over a week ago, imagine my shock when I was staring outside my store window (I work in a strip mall) and I saw Frankie strolling by, looking straight into the window and right at me. It must have lasted all but 2 seconds but our eyes still met. It was like electricity. My heart pretty much almost stopped. Haha. It was the first time I had seen him outside of his work attire and he looked even more attractive. It re-ignited my infatuation with him for some reason and after that, I just had to talk to someone about him.

 

I told my co-worker about the whole situation. She shops at that same store, and knew immediately who I was talking about. She said she got 'gay vibes' from him whenever she saw him too. She told me that she could find out a little bit about the guy if I wanted her to (she had connections at his store). I told her yes, as long as she didn't make it obvious. She found out that he is "straight," has a girlfriend, but is a virgin. The person she talked to ALSO thought he was gay, also adding that he is very quiet and reserved (duh).

 

A few days after that I was in the store to buy some soda and saw him in there, pushing a cart around and looking at me. The stares were beyond obvious. I always avoid them in efforts to not feel awkward. I was in and out of the place in less than 2 minutes.

 

ANYWAY, the point of me sharing all this is just to see what you guys think. I am not the type to just write notes to any guy that looks at me. There has to be some sort of gaydar triggered for me to even consider putting myself out there like I did. He is almost impossible to figure out. Gay vibes are there, but at the same time, they are questionable. The stares are what throw me off the most. What interest would a straight guy have in staring at another guy at all? The stares lingered and they provoked me to do what I did. I wasn't delusional or desperate - just rightfully smitten by a gorgeous guy that seemed to be interested in me. I thought I had settled the deal when I got no response from him, but the saga seems to be continuing and the signals still bleed through. What of it? I have never been more drawn to any person in my life. He's not even that insanely gorgeous. He's just exactly my type and the chemistry is unbelievable. I see gorgeous looking straight guys every day and I wouldn't dream of getting tangled up in a sequence of mind games like this with them - because I know they are straight. But it's considerably different with Frankie. What kind of approach should I have to all this?

 

I have decided to be less cold to him and maybe acknowledge his stares more with a smile and a nod. That's the one step I know I need to take so I don't give off the impression that I resent him for what he did. He could probably be a closet case in denial, wishing he didn't have a "beard" (his girlfriend) to drag him down from talking to me. Or he could be straight. But the stares... ugh it's just weird. Okay, now you guys go. Haha!

[isisastaria]

Haha!! You're in that really really ackward moment (as some of my gay male friends find themselves) when you are not sure if someone is gay. Well, I have to be honest with you. Be very very careful. I know you have a huge crush on him and I understand that. But although people are more accepting these days, there are still some that are not understanding at all.

 

Some men are just feminine and are completely straight. You DO not want to get involved with something that could look like harassment! He would have proof now (the letter with your phone number on it). He could just be looking at you because he feels ackward, too.

My advice...tread carefully...and go where you know the guys are gay to meet new people!!!

[isisastaria]

Sweatheart, you can wait a while until you find someone that won't involve yucky feelings!

[isisastaria]

Spelling on that is AKWARD!!!! LOL!!!

[Reptile]

Yeah the note thing has basically blown over so I am not worried about him claiming harassment on me. I barely even acknowledge him. That whole letter thing happened in July of 2006 so it's long over. What I wanna know is how to treat the situation as of now. It feels very unresolved. I don't wanna make any moves because I am not interested in a) getting into a bad/ risky position and b) getting my hopes up. But I do wanna acknowledge him more. I dont want him to think I hate him.

[isisastaria]

Um, I think that is very sweet of you to be concerned. He already gave you his answer, though. He would have said something by now...there are a lot of guys out there you don't have to worry about, you know?

[isisastaria]

BTW...you're in a small town..they tend to have less of an "open minded" opinion about these things. Or is that your experience?

[Reptile]

Yeah I suppose you're right. Haha. Honestly I just wish I could forget about him but there's just something about him... oh well, I got over him once, I suppose I could force myself to do it again.

[Reptile]

BTW...you're in a small town..they tend to have less of an "open minded" opinion about these things. Or is that your experience?

Yeah they do but it's not something I was afraid of in this situation. Don't ask me why. He just came accross as the type of person that wouldn't care. It was a risk, yes, but in the end I am glad I took it.

[isisastaria]

I feel the same way about a guy I dated around 3 years ago! It didn't work out...but I have seen him around town. It's hard to let go!!! (Esp. when they are eye candy!)