The quiete man?

[Paperclip]

Have you ever met a man who seemingly looks altogether on the outside, is quiete, calm and successful? Who even seems quiete in social situations and projects an aura of kindness and goodness yet..........when you start getting to know him you realize he is quietely manipulating you in order to gain control, very quietly watches your every move and uses emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty for having friends and other responsibilities? He gives you the world, lots of expensive gifts and seems to be obsessed with you, he tells you you are the most beautiful woman in the world and tells you he knows you are the one.

He also lies but gets enraged when confronted and continues to deny these lies or comes up with an explanation you cannot argue with. He also tells you on many occasions that it would excite him to lead a double life....

You also find out that in his last relationship they had "physical fights" yet this man appears to be the perfect gentleman, the perfect boyriend......

How is it possible for a character to be so contradictory?

 

Where do these relationships lead? Anyone ever met a man like this?

[Paperclip]

I still do not understand how I did not see it in the beginning or perhaps I chose not too. My heart is breaking but I know that is for the best. I hear from a friend of his that he is totally shattered by my leaving him which I did a few days ago. My belief is, is that he will either continue as he is and meet somebody else who will accept these things or he will take stock and start to really think about why it is I really left him. He is not all bad but I know that I cannot survive in this relationship feeling as if I am caged including not trusting him. All the little clues and signs that this man actually gave away in relation to his deceit are starting to surface and it is with a heavy heart that I let him go.

 

Another thing.....do you think I have anything to be afraid of once his grief turns into anger?

[Stu147]

You did not see through him in the beginning because he did not display his insecurities to you at that stage. He has become an expert at projecting to people what he thinks they want to see, or what he feels is acceptable to be. He has developed a persona for the outside world. But inside he is someone completely different, someone he does not like, does not respect, someone he is ashamed of. He is needy, he is insecure, he hates that about himself. He hates that people can affect him, can hurt him, he wishes that he could really be the person he wants to be, cool and detached. He is in constant conflict with himself. His weakenesses only appear to you when he feels he is losing control, and then all his insecurities flood through and he becomes manipulative. He is an expert at being able to justify his behaviour, and he will twist your mind until you almost believe his bizarre manipulative logic.

 

You say you have left him, and this is the best thing you could possibly have done for him. Sure he is taking it hard, he will. But sometimes you need a really big wake up call to confront yourself and deal with your issues. As long as people accept then there is no motivation to change.

 

In terms of whether you have anything to fear my instinct would tell me that this man is essentially a coward, despite any aggression he may project. But still I would suggest you keep distance between you and him for a time until he has had time to deal with your seperation. In the midst of high emotion he is not likely to be at his most rational and could resort to further emotional blackmail and manipulation to try and win you back, because that's all he knows how to do. And if that fails he may become aggressive as his last resort.

 

I really should clarify that I don't think this guy is a bad guy, he is just a guy with a lot of issues. I don't think he is bad, I don't think he is evil. He has clearly shown you that he aspires to be a nice guy, with his gestures of affection. He is just not ready for a relationship, he really needs to be happy with himself before he can make anyone else happy.

 

These are just my thoughts. Maybe I am way off track and have got him all wrong, but his behaviour as you described it is so familiar to me that I could have written your story myself!

 

Take care... x

[mintblossom]

Um...let me see, have I met this type of man before? Too many times.

 

He's the typical abuser. Abusers are very into image. On the surface, they are charming, "nice", "kind", "good" people. It's only when you date them or get in a relationship with him that the ugly colors leak out. And they only leak out to you. They don't treat other people this way. Oh no, abusers are the perfect gentlemen to your mother, sister, father, friends, coworkers, as well as everyone he knows. But to you, he will slowly up the manipulation, the control, the lies, the verbal abuse...tightening the noose slowly until one day you realize your whole life has been destroyed.

 

When you try to get away from him, you will realize you have nothing and no one left. And then in the midst of your emotional upset, he will portray you as the crazy one, the abusive one, because he is perfect.

 

Have I met this type of guy? Yeah. I can read them like the back of my hand. After 6-7 plus years of hell with one abuser and short periods with other abusive men.....it's the only thing I took away from it all - how to recognize one.

 

You have just described the typical abuser. It's clear as day. He even hints at having a double life. They just can't resist bragging a little.

[Paperclip]

Thank you for your insight Teardrop and I am sorry that you had to endure a man like that. Problem with these men is that they are so good at fooling you...Can you give me some more warning signs? I would really like to avoid this type of man again. I dont want to waste anymore time on men like this.

[mintblossom]

I think you did well in recognizing the above person already. I would have questioned my sanity (which is ironically what these men try to make you do). There are so many personality types out there that abusers may behave in many numerous ways.

 

I think above all, trust yourself. Be strong enough to step away from a situation. If he's hurting your feelings, honor those feelings.

 

But I also think it's the little things....not wanting to talk on the phone or stay connected, hanging up on you, sly little putdowns and jabs, lying....there's so many weird behaviors a man can pull. Since you will never be able to get into his head, make sure to stay in yours. I hope that makes sense. I speak for myself as well because I have a hard time trusting myself and getting away from the hurtful ones.

 

I've met quite a few that like to cultivate the image of being a gentleman, good, kind, nice, calm, a "good guy"....only to turn into dr. jekyll and mr. hyde.

 

Where do these relationships lead? Well...afterall awhile, Mr. Hyde shows up a lot. More frequently and longer lasting. It's like....Dr. Jekyll disappears around you and only reappears around other people. The good moments diminish, all the good things you liked about him gradually disappear, all the gifts, praise, kindness gradually stop until you don't even remember them anymore. But you will spend time, and extreme effort always trying to get him to turn back into the man he used to be. It will bother you how easily he slips into nice guy mode when someone else shows up or is around. You will feel tearful, hurt, bewildered, ashamed, guilty, confused, torn, and emotionally unstable for longer periods over time.

 

I really just want to sum this up by saying when the quiet man cometh, it's better to runneth.

[washburn1243]

I am truly sorry for the people who have been tricked into abusive relationships by the many good actors out there. May you be strong, wise, and brave in the process of reclaiming your lives. Though I don't know you personally, I am proud of you.

 

I know it will be difficult to believe this, but there are many great men out there. Men like the ones you describe make it difficult for us to find a mate. I've actually had a few relationships go bad because I didn't do anything wrong. Because people get abused so often, they eventually get so skeptical that when a good thing comes along they think it's a con.

 

After our relationships ended, and she started with new standards, her life really changed for the better. Four times now this has happened. Every time, 18 or so months after our relationship ended, I would get a phone call. She would want to get together again after realizing that I wasn't conning her. Of course this could never happen because of the previous emotional/mental beatings I endured while she was trying to expose what she thought I was hiding.

 

Long story short; in the future when you do find a good guy who doesn't abuse you, believe in him. And remember, when you do find him, you do deserve him. You deserve good things, and he wants to give them to you. He truly does.

[TallyM]

I doubt there are many good men out there.

 

As soon as a woman becomes intimatally distance for whatever reason or stops giving him sex. he thinks he is being abused! Look at the posters on this forum...

[washburn1243]

Unfortunately you misread the forum you are quoting TallyM. It wasn't posted as being a situation of abuse. It's posted in the abuse section because she had been sexually abused in the past, and it is effecting the relationship.

 

To falsely judge a man for seeking the help of his peers in order to save his relationship from the pain of his fiances past sexual abuse... why would a person do that?

 

I hope you find healing for whatever is causing your pain. May you also someday meet a good man who will give you a reason to think positively about men. I will happen someday if you allow it to.