My "Gay Phase" ruined a friendship...

[misdirection]

I went through a stage where i was in-denile of my sexuality.

 

I was brought up without knowing "gay" was a possibility, until i was older.

When i was 17 i started to get attracted to my friend of 5 years, i wasn't attracted to him before. So i started to get abit close to him, relying on him more, talking to him more, and having more fun with him. We became good friends, and he soon was responsive to my Dependant nature on him.

 

When i had a headache in the car i would lean on his shoulders and he would let me. Eventually he would know and offer for me. He started to know when i was sad or moody and started to care more. He would make jokes to touch me, like do the whole "pretend" to be gay hug me, or look at me for long periods of time.

 

But at this time, i didn't want to be gay, and i was not sure if he was. But i knew he cared for me deeply in some way. So i started ignoring him, and became more moody, however he was still strong in his response and continued to care for me, even thought i was being a monster. Soon i was disgusted at who i was, and what i was doing to him. So i did anything i could to... hate him, and forget him. It was a very very tough moment in my life, it was difficult to find the ugly things about someone you love Eventually, i did it, and forgot him. i left him without an explanation, he was dumbfounded, and i felt so bad. I could see his hurt, he was a friendly person and always polite, however he found it difficult to be friendly towards me. he hated me = (

 

I regret what i did, but back then i thought it was the right decision, i didn't want him to see who i was becoming. I've now realised i am gay, but i'm still very much closetted, i'm no longer attracted to him, and he seems to have moved on, however he hasn't dated any girl since then... now i've lost alot of friends and i'm very withdrawn, i don't mind. I think its karma for what i did to him.

 

i;m not sure about my actions, was it the right thing to do? what should i have done? what should i do now?

[Rizby]

Go talk to him about everything and why you did what you did then...be frank and honest and try to make amends...as you seem to value his friendship and good friends are hard to come by....

[darkpumpkin]

It may or may not have been the right thing to do but you did what you thought was right at the time. I had a similar inccedent in high school. My best friend of 5 years started to become very physical with me. I wasn't sure how to handle it. She had always relied on me and I didn't mind and then I became uncomfortable with her physical advances. I just basically dropped her. It just something I had to do. Now that time has passed I would try to be her friend agian. I guess I can only give you the advice is explain what you did. Explain that it may not have been right but it's how you delt with it.