5 years and still not over him

[NeedClosure]

I had first fallen in love with a guy in 1998 and it was the best thing that happened to me. But all came to an end when he broke up with me. In summary what he had to say was "I think we should just be friends, you should forget that we were ever together, I just think that we are "different". " These were painfull things coming from someonw who I was deeply in love with and cared about and someone who had told me that he loved me too. Summer started and he went to visit his parents overseas....it was the worst summer of my life because I had NO CLUE why he had broken up with me.

 

Things looked up when I was finally able to get in contact with him when summer ended and he came back from overseas. However, I was shocked and saddened the way his personality had changed. This person who had spent endless hours on the phone with me could not give me the time of day. Being in my depressed state I begged him for just 5 minutes of his time and told him that it was very hard for me to deal with the situation and if he could spare me just 5 minutes I would want to talk about it. In response he told me that I should not call him again and if I did he would hang up on my face. I tried again after a month or so and he kept on saying that "Im sorry I just cant talk to u anymore" he said this over and over again and hung up on me. That was the last conversation I had with him.

 

This was the worst time of my life, I went from being depressed to being bitter and then being careless I slept around and lost my virginity to a guy whose name I dont remember, only that I had met him at a party. During these times I heard rumors of everything from him (my x) getting engaged back home to still being single. I finally decieded to do some spying and started talking to him pretending to be someone else on the net. As our conversations progressed I found out that he was no longer interested in talking to anyone about me (his x) and was openly flirting with the girl he didnt know was me on the net.

 

Five years have passed now and I still dont have any closure...I dont know the reason why he broke up with me. Was he engaged? Was he not? Why did he go from loving me to not even giving me 5 minutes on the phone? Was he never engaged? Did he ever love me?

 

Although time has done me some good and made things better I did have some short term unsuccessfull relationships after him. But I have found NO CLOSURE to my first love. He never sat me down and gave me a REAL REASON to why he was leaving me. This has been a painfull issue for me and I fear that it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have no way of finding out these answers...but till today I still wonder WHAT WENT WRONG. And everytime I do I start crying, sometimes I get very upset when I have a dream of him (once in a blue moon). Even in my dreams I ask him why he did what he did and all I see is him turn away or not say anything ( It may sound creepy but I have 5-6 dreams about him in a situation which involved me talking and asking him while he just walked away or did not say anything). I have so many unanswered questions and even though I know that I have moved on and accepted it the FACT THAT I DUNNO WHAT WENT WRONG! bothers me. I feel as if I will carry this burden on my shoulders when I get married, have kids, have grandkids, and to my grave. It is as if I have been punished for life and will never know the REASON.

 

I wonder if he knows what HE HAS DONE 5 years ago has caused me a lifetime of pain, not even the part of breaking up BUT THE PART OF NOT GIVING ME A FAIR CLOSURE. What is hard to bear is that at this point he has moved on with his part of the relationship maybe he is married, maybe he has kids but I am the one who has been left behind with unanswered questions.

 

Sometimes just random small things I see, hear, or read remind me of him. Just like I was reading something and he came to my mind and I started thinking of him and started crying and came to this board. I am 25 now and I have my whole life ahead of me I dont know how I will live WITHOUT ANY CLOSURE it has haunted me for 5 years and it will haunt me for a lifetime i suspect.

[Gilgamesh]

I know some of the emotions your going through, but you need to understand these things:

 

> He can no longer hurt you, only you can hurt you now.

> You dont need him to be happy, you dont need anyone to be happy

once you can be content with yourself, then youll find love again.

> The person you fell in love with is NOT the person your grieving over

now, he doesnt exsist anymore.

> You can and will find someone that will cherish you and love you beyond

your wildest dreams, but first you must love yourself.

> Dont blame yourself for what happened, there doesnt HAVE to be a

reason, he just didnt feel you were right for him, he ended it quickly

which was the best thing he could have done.

> You love him, and he doesnt love you, why would you want someone

that doesnt love you? why would you want someone that doesnt care

for you? you need to have self esteeme, and to value yourself.

 

I do understand depression, its a familiar emotion to me, i too had a breakup that left a hole, because I didnt know why it ended, it would have been easier if I had done something wrong, but you know, it wasnt me! it was her! so dont doubt yourself, its him ok, it doesnt matter why anymore, its over.

[Mar]

I've had the same experience,although in a much shorter relationship...my boyfriend "broke up" with me, i.e. didn't contact me anymore, out of the blue.....there was not ONE WORD of explanation why, and I found out later that he'd been cheating on me and got married to someone else while he was still supposedly with me. That was my closure, I suppose. Of course you're going to wonder why, and it's going to keep hurting until you get some answers. Since he's made it very clear that he's not going to give you those answers, you have to try to deal with it and just accept it as a loss. Try grief counseling, or some sort of other professional help, if you still have such a large part missing in you over this. 5 years is a LONG time to still grieve over someone who's moved on, and you should have found happiness for yourself by now. But it's safe to say that you're not going to get any answers, and the "maybe's" are definitely hard to deal with. I just had to chalk mine up to bad timing in my life and the wrong person stepping into my heart, and let them go as being selfish and self-centered for not giving me the decency of at least a breakup first. He gave you that breakup, and while his answer might not be satisfactory to you, I suspect that you'd hear the same answer as to why even now, if he were to tell you-he simply didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. It's hard to accept, but you really don't have a choice.....good luck, and do try to get help, you deserve some happiness finally!

[SunnyScott]

He's a dog!

 

I've been in a situation like that, and eventually, my ex called me back. My closure was knowing that the saying "what goes around, must come around" really came true, not that I hoped for it or anything.

 

Anyway, maybe you should start getting to know different guys, At least, this break-up builds on your intuition, and you'll be more perceptive of the guys you meet.