Lost

[delusion79]

I don't really know what's going on. I don't know if this is the right place to put this, it just seems like there are so many problems in my life right now, I can't handle it. it's one thing on top of another.

 

Sometimes during the day, like right now, it feels like someone is screaming inside my head. Almost like I'm going to burst, or they're screaming to be let out, but it's me screaming... I don't know what to do.. I'm scared

 

I dont want to talk to my friends about this... I cant talk to them about this. I don't like showing how I'm feeling, I've always been like that.. it just is so bad right now. I've always been able to handle my problems on my own... I don't want to talk to a shrink.. I just want to be happy and not worry or feel like this any more.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there, Delusion79,

It's okay!

First. Breathe....

 

Yes, I understand why you might not want to talk to your off-line friends about these issues cluttering your life right now.

 

What's wrong?

Talk to us.

 

We're here to listen, whenever you're ready ...

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[caro33]

What's going on delusion?

 

When I was younger I had lots of stuff go wrong at once and it was overwhelming. I developed a reactive depression and panic attacks. Sometimes stuff going wrong around you can actually change your brain chemistry.

 

If you might be experiencing something like this, it actually might be worth seeing a professional. They can use the tools at hand to help short-circuit the panic process and take the edge off the stress so you can get your life back on track.

 

Not that I am pressuring you, but why don't you want to speak to a professional?

[andrewman]

Hey Delusion,

 

I'm actually in the same boat as well, it's just so hard to keep going. When you try so hard to do so many things and you keep getting a bad turn out, then something mundane happens, like you accidently leave the milk out and it goes bad and you're just crushed.

 

I'm not sure what to do either, but remember there are other people out here in the same boat, who are trying to make it too.

 

Good luck and here's to your happiness.

[delusion79]

Thank you all for your support!

 

There are just so many things going on right now...

 

The end of last year up until now have been some of the worst days of my life. It's not from something I did, something a family member did, and it has ruined our entire family. I can't be to specific, but when you grow up believing someone is a certain way, they guide you to be a good moral person.. so on.. and then they do this it crushing.

 

I never imagined this ever happening or this person ever doing something like this. They had no regard for how their actions were going to effect any one else, and now this situation has caused me to lose so much. It's screwed up my schooling, relationships with friends, family, and a lot of other aspects of my life. I cringe when someone says my last name, because I don't want anyone to know I'm associated with this person. It's disgusting, shamefull...

 

Then on top of it I feel horrible for what another family member has to go through... I can't help her, to me she's always seemed so helpless and now this is devasted her.

 

I always feel like I have been so strong, I love to help people with their problems.. I almost pride myself on it.. because I know that I can help. Now I don't know what to do.. everytime I think about it or get in this state of mind I breakdown... I know I cant hold it in... but I don't know if I can afford to talk to a professional..

 

I just feel lost... my world isn't what it used to be..

[caro33]

Eergh, sounds hard.

 

Are you still studying somewhere though? There might be free or subsidised assistance on campus.

 

Do whatever you can to hold your head high delusion, nothing anyone else has done should be able to reflect on you. I know it's not like that all the time in the real world, but you need to do whatever you can to stay strong. This will pass. Are there court cases or anything like that that are yet to be completed, or has it mostly passed and you guys are just dealing with the aftermath?

[delusion79]

It's not that far yet... that's one thing that is really screwing with me.. I've lived in this town my whole life and now my name if this is publicized my career could be ruined among a bunch of other things.. there are so many people who know this person and I know I had nothing to do with this, but I don't know how I can look anyone in the face.

As far as school goes, i was supposed to graduate this semester and now it's probably not going to happen. I have to retake 3 classes because of what happened, and I'm not eligible for financial aide.. I'm trying scholarships and all that.

 

Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming I just want everything to end, or I want something bad to happen to the person who did this because I know it would end certain events from occurring. I never thought I would ever think anything like this, and I'm ashamed for even thinking like this.. I don't know what elsse to do..

[caro33]

I know it's not the answer, but can you get away? Stay with friends interstate or something for a little while?

[delusion79]

That's what I'm doing right now.. it helps, i can't imagine still being there. That's part of what makes me feel even worse... i left her to be alone with it..

 

This helps to, being able to talk to someone about it...

 

thank you

[Ellie2006]

Ach, Sorry to hear that your life has turned topsy-turvy due to the actions of another family member.

 

As Caro suggested, getting back your sense of stability is KEY!

So please do take care of yourself. IMHO, I think it might be best NOT to dwell too much on the actions of this other family member; rather, focus on how you can move onward and away from this traumatic event.

 

When YOU feel stronger, I hope you will consider returning to support other family members; help them with your strength.

 

Hey, we're always here to support you; please know that this is a safe place for you to come and vent your emotions. Hope you find this site a great place to help you heal as many of us have.

 

Sending best wishes your way,

Ellie

[caro33]

That's what I'm doing right now.. it helps, i can't imagine still being there. That's part of what makes me feel even worse... i left her to be alone with it..

 

This helps to, being able to talk to someone about it...

 

thank you

 

 

If you are completely honest with yourself, is there anything you COULD do to help this family member? Does she have anyone else?

[caro33]

I have to go for now delusion, but just wanted to reiterate what Ellie said - we are here to provide support and an ear (well, you know what I mean) whenever you need it.

 

Take care

[distroyed one]

Hey my friend..

First appreciate for being alive and well.. Thats what God gave you and it is a great gift..

Second, NEVER feel responsible for other peoples actions.. Even if your mother or father, brother, sister did something wrong do not take that as your own mistake whatever is this case about!

And other people wouldn't blame you for mistakes of your family.. You had nothing to do with that story, didn't make anyone hurting other persons so you don't have reason to blame yourself or hide..

Keep on living and enjoying life and let the guilt ones to take the punishment.. You should keep your head high being proud of your last name because it is name of lots of good and honest people and one bad apple can't make it dishonest..

[delusion79]

Ok... I dont know if i'm just freaking myself out on purpose.. not on purpose but causing more anxiety.

 

Today at work.. I don't know if I started to fall asleep or passout.. but I couldnt take my eyes off of my keyboard.. and I kept saying to myself that it was too real.. over and over again in my head. Then it was like a swarm of bees.. like I was going in a tunnel, everything was just moving really fast around me and I could'nt break out of it.. I tried to breath and I could'nt catch my breath.. I have this trick when I can't catch my breath, I try and breath through my nose.. it's something that makes me feel better atleast., I really dont know why?

After that I kind of came back into reality and it was like everything whooshed right past me again.. I felt like I was going to go crazy and not come back, which scared me even more..

I'm glad no one can see me in my cubicle because they probably would've laughed at me or tried to take me to the hospital..

 

I know I looked like a kid who loses their parents in the shoppong mall.. I couldn't control how I was feeling.. I went back to semi-normal atleast, but kept that feeling of dread like it was going to happen again any second. I kept thinking that I might have a heart-attack from thinking that way.. The feeling would'nt go away. When I was reading my book at work after this, the context wasn't about computer programming, it was about me.. in a way.. how I'm screwing up and all kinds of negative things..

 

I really don't know whats happening with me.. I'm a sane person and I can rationalize in any situation. But this is something I've never experienced..

 

The thing is when this all came about I was just doing some work and not thinking about anything else but work. So, I don't know where this came from..

 

I'm seriously considering seeing my family doctor or someone.. i don't want my days to be like this, and I don't want to fear going through that again

 

someone help... advice.. something

[Ellie2006]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you had a bad day

 

I am so glad it's the weekend; please do get plenty of rest this weekend if you feel faint! Plus, please do consult a doctor if this symptom persists.

 

Yes, the breathing thing: I think trying to breathe more slowly (and through your nose) helps to regulate your breathing; I do this too when I feel like I can't catch my breath ... Don't know if there's any medical basis for it, though

 

 

Easier said than done, I know, but please please please try to push those thoughts out of your head for now; those thoughts are exacerbating your anxiety attacks, it seems. Letting those thoughts overcrowd your mind will deter the recovery of your peace of mind. Hard as it may be, please do try to keep your mind from returning to those memories. Would the "rubberband" trick (y'know, wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it everytime you feel like your thoughts are wandering to those memories as a reminder NOT to do that?) help, do you think?

 

Hang in there. And please DO consider talking to a medical specialist if you still feel shortness of breath...

 

Hugs,

Ellie 1:

[caro33]

Hi delusion,

 

It does sound like you are having panic attacks of some sort, and I know that when I had them the anticipation of having another one was almost as bad as having one. It can be incapacitating - I would really suggest that you do whatever you can to see someone.

 

Like I think I mentioned in my first post, external stress can really stuff up your brain chemistry - sometimes a mild anti-depressant can take the edge off. I don't want to look like I am advocating drugging yourself into stupidity here but try and see if there's something more you can do. It may be learning some more relaxation techniques, buying some "hippie valium" natural stuff (as my friend calls it) from a health food store, or seeing a doctor and having a short term prescription.

 

Hang in there mate .