NC 3 different times and still feel the same

[vjg13]

I have done NC about 3 different times in a span of about 9 months. Each my ex comes back but still continues to see the other guy. I don't know what to do anymore. The longest was 6 weeks of NC and I still feel the same for her. I'm strong the first 2 weeks after she contacts me but then it always goes back to being jealous and angry that she is seeing someone else. I love her so much but it is impossible to stay in contact with her when she continues to be seeing someone else. She says she always wants me in her life but I don't like being there as someone to talk. I want to spend time with her all the time but she would rather do that with someone else. This has gone on so long. And even though I've done NC before it doesn't make it any easier starting it again. It's just like day 1 9 months ago all over again. The first few days are the hardest to start.

[reasonablegirl]

How exactly is your ex contacting you each time?

[blender]

Next time she contacts you, just say in a kind and loving way..

 

"I know it would be nice to stay in touch, but it's not a self respecting or sincere thing for me to do so at this time, because I still have feelings for you and as long as you are not willing to make a sincere and exclusive effort to work on "us" as a couple, it's best for both of us to no longer have contact. I'm sure you can understand that it's not "right" for me to be on the other end of a relationshp where you are making a choice to be involved with other men... I respect that you want to date someone else, so I hope you can respect my time to work on myself as well..if in time you 'discover" that you do want to discuss "us" as a couple then sure, you may contact me. If not, I wish you happiness, and I hope you can respect my needing to move on right now."

 

DOES THAT FEEL HONEST FOR YOU TO SAY?

 

If this the way you "honestly" feel in your heart.. then it's best to start living within this "truth".. you'd be surprised how "attractive" it will be and more importantly how much better you will feel about yourself.

 

It's important to "define" yourself as a stand up guy, who has the self respect and confidence to realize what YOU have to offer a woman whom you love.

 

And if that woman is not making a "sincere respectful exclusive effort" to be in your life in the same way, well, then yes, it's difficult for you to "let go".. but the right thing to do usually is the "most difficult" thing to do.. but it's best for you..

 

and "no contact" defined as above also gives her the "opportunity" to experience the "loss" of you in her life.. and this can lead to a "discovery" for her or any deep feelings she may have for you if indeed they do exsist..

 

if not, then you have not wasted any more energy or losing your sense of self by "hanging around hoping" for her to "realize" you are "special, loving, respectful, worthy".. she will never discover this about you, unless you know this about yourself.. Because the FACT is you ARE, "special, loving, respectful, and worthy" of an exclusive loving effort.

 

YOU can start to live within this truth about yourself for yourself.... YOU define YOU.. she does not hold the key to your "validation" as a great boyfriend.. only YOU hold that key.. and it starts by NOT compromsing WHO YOU ARE, in order to "keep her around".. If she is still "not ready" that's okay, it's all about "acceptance" and NOT taking it personally, but instead, telling her you "accept" her not being ready, and now she can respectfully "accept" your self respecting request for "no contact" during this time.

 

And the FACT is, it doesn't feel "right" inside your heart to be in contact with an ex who is clearly NOT ready to put in the sincere exclusive effort to work on you as a couple.. not right now.. she's not ready.. so define yourself and set some standards/values for YOUR OWN HEART...

 

You seem like a great guy, so try to have the courage to live within your own self respecting guidelines..standards/values.. and set up some boundaries... no more "contact".. none... let go.. get busy with your own life.. and "if" she contacts you again, just ask yourself, "what have I learned about what I feel inside when I DO ALLOW contact with her, does it feel "right", does it make me feel "good about myself", or does it bring up anxiety, jealousy, resentment, and does "responding to her contact" only cure her curiosity in knowing I'm still "just there" for her... only to leave me feeling "used, sad, overwhelmed, confused, jealous, hopeful, resentful"...???

 

See it's when we ASK OURSELVES how we truly feel after we "allow contact" that we can "learn" not to give into "urges" or needing a temporary "fix' of contact.. it's all about "learning from our own choices" that will lead to healing of our hearts, and also leads to a sense of self respect, and attracting the "right" person for your heart.. and it might even be the ex.. but you have to allow them the opportunity to really experience the "loss" of YOU in thier life.. on respectful terms that YOU yourself choose to define and live within..

 

You are at a crucial emotional turning point, you are realizing a 'pattern" in her.. and now it's YOUR CHOICE on whether you allow that "pattern" to be supported by YOU... and perhaps it's time to take care of YOU, and start "no contact' even when she does contact you.. no reason to reply based on past "lessons" of what actually takes place once you do..right?

[pacopaco]

WOW! this is really good. I was having the same problem all last year.. She'd call, saod she "missed" me, etc. we'd end up sleeping together only to hear from her "I'm confused," after we'd do it. All the while here I was thinking "We're having sex, we must be reconnecting, it must be real," but it never was. it is tough because you're left empty and used, and again your hopes are dashed.

This was a pattern she had all last year. She'd leave me alone for about a month and a half, and then call again. same thing. I asked her a month ago to please stop contacting me. I had said it before, and she wouldn't do it. This time I said, though, I don't think she will. I haven't seen her in all of 2007!