Just started dating, very attracted

[TheRedQueen]

I also suggest you keep reminding yourself and believing that this new guy is not your ex. These are two different people, independent of each other. Try to give this new guy a fair shake; the actions of your ex are not his fault and he needn't feel detrimental effects to this end.

 

And this separation won't come out of a hat like the proverbial rabbit. Just keep these truths in your mind as the relationship plays out...

 

But again, one date, give it some time! You're considering taking off the training wheels and trading in the tricycle for a crotch rocket here at this point given both your history and the time you've known this guy...

Ah, but you fail to consider that awful broken record phenomenon of seeking and partaking in usually detrimental relationships, over and over again.

 

If the OP has not fully come to terms with, and reconciled, the hows and whys of the failings of her last relationship, she'll sadly most likely repeat them in this one.

[Aurian]

One date and he's already asking? I'd feel a bit weirded out...

 

Flirting is good, touching is good, but asking for sex is not so good... I agree that you'll want to get to know him in the flesh a bit more. I tend to be rather conservative about WHEN to have sex - to me its not just sharing my body, but my heart, mind and soul as well. I'd have to have more than one date to be at that point with someone! And I do expect anyone I am with to respect that.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

One date and he's already asking? I'd feel a bit weirded out...

 

Flirting is good, touching is good, but asking for sex is not so good... I agree that you'll want to get to know him in the flesh a bit more. I tend to be rather conservative about WHEN to have sex - to me its not just sharing my body, but my heart, mind and soul as well. I'd have to have more than one date to be at that point with someone! And I do expect anyone I am with to respect that.

 

Well, he's not exactly asking to insert tab a into slot b...he wants more making out and stuff like that...wandering hands under clothes, yada yada. I'm not down with that; it's a slippery slope and I'm sure we'd go skiing right down it.

 

As for mistakes from my last relationship - getting intimate too fast and falling too fast were two of the mistakes that I made. I really want to let myself go and just let myself fall for this guy and I am so happy that I met him, but I feel like I need to be cautious and investigate before I fully allow myself to become vulnerable. It's not that I'm never going to trust him or that it's going to take a year. It's that I don't want my judgement clouded by sex while I'm making sure that not only is he fit for me for a relationship, but that I am in it for the right reasons too.

 

He wants to be trusted right away. I can't give that right away to anyone. I guess I might have been more screwed up by my last relationship than I thought.

[Batya33]

Hmmm - here's my guess - he wants to be trusted right away so that you'll have sex with him, right? Let's get real here - it's not so you'll open up to him emotionally and tell him all your secrets, right? Trust me is a lovely euphemism for sleep with me.

 

Sorry - this man is no gentleman if he is already arguing that the two months talking on line should speed up the physical intimacy. Proceed with immense caution.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hmmm - here's my guess - he wants to be trusted right away so that you'll have sex with him, right? Let's get real here - it's not so you'll open up to him emotionally and tell him all your secrets, right? Trust me is a lovely euphemism for sleep with me.

 

Sorry - this man is no gentleman if he is already arguing that the two months talking on line should speed up the physical intimacy. Proceed with immense caution.

 

Yes, that's my plan. Until I'm ready to trust him completely, no sex shall be forthcoming. Of any kind!

[friscodj]

Until I'm ready to trust him completely, no sex shall be forthcoming. Of any kind!

 

Hey phreckles-

 

I see another slippery slope here...the other way...

 

You say things are going well outside of this issue. I think you have to ask yourself if you feel this behavior is genuine, or if he is generating a situation that seems to be going well in the name of strictly getting into your pants...

 

And I also see a need for a balance here. You say "no sex of any kind". Do you equate that to "no physical intimacy of any kind"? So are you guys "just friends" in your eyes then? Are you intimate in other ways and do you feel this intimacy to be genuine motivated by his desire to get to know and love you vs. meeting the challenge of getting into your pants? And have you communicated all of this to him?

 

Perhaps doing such will make you seem like more of a challenge to him which in and of itself will keep him motivated to stay in this relationship, or quasi-relationship? Another point to ponder...

 

And your desire to withhold and his desire to chase is setting up the psychological grounds for imbalance in the future. You're setting the tone for his chase and your subsequent power to withhold over him, which is not going to bode well for either of you should this relationship progress as this pattern become more ingrained in familiarity. The intimacy becomes like a treat you dispense to him, and often do so subconsciously. And I've both held the treats and sat, put my paw up, and rolled over before in situations like this...ahrf ahrf baby...

 

So my point here is I agree you should take things slower but I don't agree with overcompensating and "withholding" physical intimacy here. Do you want to have a serious relationship with him? It seems counter-productive if you want to have a serious relationship with him, as I think physical intimacy is an ingredient in the building process and the 7-course meal you guys may be preparing here. And to know if you guys are cooking a 7-course dinner here or eating at Mickey D's is to mix some of those ingredients together and see what you get. Not too much, but enough to see how things taste...

 

I also understand your point of the slippery slope of which you speak. You start with a kiss at the doorway, the kiss turns to more, and more, until pretty soon you both are naked on top of each other. I understand that, I understand your past history with going to fast and your desire to change that. Not only do I understand that, but I agree with it. What I don't agree with is stonewalling the situation to achieve that. I see it all the time, people who overcompensate their behavior for a change they are trying to make and lose balance and the subsequent perspective of the situation, i.e., the situation becomes a challenge and a proving ground for them to prove to themselves that they can make this change. And I know you are struggling inside yourself with this too. Perhaps you could work with both your physical urges and your desires to withhold in some way to compromise should you want to build something real with this guy. I think it is definitely possible to have physical intimacy and also have boundaries, and manage those boundaries and how you deal with them. But again, don't do this because some Internet stranger tells you to, or anyone else for that matter. If you feel something is amiss in this regard, don't hesitate to pull the ripcord...

 

So it is a tough situation for you but one with which you have good clarity and sense. I am sure you will figure this out on a larger-scale than this one situation with this one guy if nothing else. This thing may or may not work out with Mr. 0-60 here but that is really irrelevant as long as you are trying your best to do your best with what you have when you have it. And it certainly seems that way.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

thanks friscodj. I figured out last night that I am trying way too hard to keep a tight rein over this situation and that I should probably let go and let God. You're right, there was a balance problem. Since I decided to be less controlling, but sensibly so, I have much more ease with the whole thing.

 

No, I'm not talking about no physicality of any kind, definitely not, I'm talking about not removing articles of clothing. I'm also not someone who holds sexuality out like some sort of carrot and my partner gets it when he's good but not when he's bad. I definitely don't believe in that. I believe in a gradual progression into it, that's what I'm trying to get accross.