My letter to her

[kournikova462]

Hello everyone

 

i posted about this before and figured i would start a new thread with this letter attached

 

the short of it is we were together for three years and i always pushed her away.... she was very invested in me always and i always left her.... probably about 5 times total and all were short lived with me coming back.... this last one she is holding her ground and with good reason but in the meantime i have done massive amounts of self repair and even discovered the problem.... now i dont know if its to late as she is out partying and even kinda seeing some new guy.... i cant read if they are just friends but they use the words babe alot and are speaking alot.... i did a very short NC and before that it was very little contact for probably about three weeks since i cut it off

 

last night i called her and she did not answer.... this is because her phone get no reception in her house basement.... so i left a very cheerful message asking her to lunch.... she called back within two minutes and said that she wasnt feeling well and lunch was out.... we talked about how we were and it was a cheery conversation.... then she asked why i was calling.... i responeded with the truth " to ask you to lunch " then she started asking about me and i explained that i was repairing myself and for the first time in years i was seeing clearly what was wrong with me.... after that i tole her if she wanted to come hottubbing with me i would be there.... her exact response " um i have plans but we will see " so needless to say she didnt call and late last night sent me a text saying not to call her.... so i prepared the following letter that i plan on leaving at her house tomorrow while she is at work.... i just want her to know that i am here for her mainly.... im doing well and working on my issues and will continue to do so

 

let me know your thoughts

 

THE LETTER:

 

Dear Natasha

 

This letter is one of the best things I will ever write in my life, so please read on with the utmost clarity and try not to let outside influences invade…. Read this letter for yourself and please keep this between you and I…. this letter really is an exciting and positive body of writing….

 

Over the last brief period of our separation I have taken a journey…. I took a journey within myself and I made some amazing and truly groundbreaking discoveries…. The purpose of this letter is not to try and convince you to take me back, but rather an explanation of me so that you fully understand where I am right now and it’s a very positive thing….

 

So let’s begin

 

The Issue:

 

Three years later I walked through the doors into my soul and discovered the key to you and me working together…. And all along it was lying right there on the floor, I just never opened the doors within myself and walked in to retrieve it…. This is one of the worst mistakes of my life…. Inside this room inside my head was a mirror…. I walked up to this mirror and like in sleeping beauty it finally told me the real 100% Truth…. I sat and had a conversation with myself…. Years ago I used to be a very different person I was a person that was happy and optimistic and had a very positive outlook on everything…. I was a more open person emotionally…. I asked the mirror why on earth I would push this beautiful person that wanted to love me away…. The answer has finally been given to me…. I pushed away because I didn’t love me…. I didn’t love me…. I didn’t love me…. Over and over it told me…. And then proceeded to show me how and why I failed and in turn failed our relationship…. When you and I first got together it was great and you invested everything in me…. Probably too much…. You put me on a pedestal I was everything to you…. And all the while im broken inside and building these walls to keep what I was beginning to see as a threat at bay…. This was very wrong and unfair to you and me both…. This was the cause of my lack of affection and the simple reason why I never held your hand…. Or would be uneasy if you held me or touched me…. You get the idea…. And in turn when you and I were in a public surrounding I would be very outward toward others and you’re wondering why and how I could do that with them but not you…. It must be you right…. Something must be wrong with you….. WRONG…. It was me and I see now that this is probably 80% of the reason why you did not trust me…. You didn’t trust me because of my actions…. Completely understandable…. These walls were also the reason why I never labeled you as my girlfriend…. Looking on to it now it’s all so foolish…. And I have no one to blame but me…. I’m learning that this all stems from early on in my life and was my method of dealing with my mother’s death…. If I allowed no one in and kept them on the outside then I would never get hurt by them…. And I would be safe in my little room with my unbreakable walls…. So over the course of our relationship I would push you away and then come back time and time again…. Why???? Well because I was afraid…. And knew deep down I was making a mistake…. that’s why, and I have the solution…. And I'm sure you’re skeptical and you’re saying Na if I took him back he would do the same thing again…. * * * * him…. Well that’s wrong and here’s why…. First off I have identified the problem without a doubt as I stated above…. I have read numerous books about this and done much research online…. Not to mention talking to just about everyone I know about ME and my problems with emotions…. You’re probably not surprised but almost all of them said they could see it in me before…. And especially if they knew you and I mutually…. One was Kristen witch I told you about when we spoke…. She sided with you and understood why you would not want me back…. But she also told me I should fight for it…. And the big one that really wrenched it out of me was Rob…. Yea that’s right Rob my boss the meanie…. Well I went in his office and closed the door…. Told him that I see him as sort of a father figure and that’s something I don’t really have with the exception of Craig…. Well I laid it all out…. Even started crying a little witch was very releasing…. Rob listened and said that he seen it in me all along and that he is the same in a lot of ways with his wife Lydia…. I noticed it in him to before and tried to see how he reacted to it…. He told me you just have to do your best and show them they are #1 even if it’s a big show or whatever…. But even the fact that he said he could see it really drove it home…. He also noted that you were always shy and quiet around him and that was probably in relation to how I was treating you…. It really is amazing to me how much opening up and talking to all different types of people has helped me…. And I don’t mean in a moping feel sorry for me type way ether…. I mean in a very constructive and analyzing manner…. It helps so much

 

The Solution:

 

Yea I know right now you probably don’t care…. But there is a solution to all this and I would bet ANYTHING that this solution would work…. A big part of this letter is to express this and make sure that you understand this and where it comes from…. Our relationship has been a see saw either i'm up and you’re down or vice versa…. Remember when you would ride a see saw and try to balance in the middle with the other rider…. That’s what we would have to do…. And how would we do that well lets look at that more in depth…. This is where it will get really wild and you will call bull * * * * but hear this out its really cool….

Look at the two of us…. I have had my music and other places to go when I needed an outlet in our relationship…. Not so much in the form of hanging out with “my boys” or the like but I had something to fall back on…. You on the other had I don’t think had all that much because you invested so heavily in me…. And you thought this heavy investment would get you over my walls…. maybe???? But you shut all your friends off and out even your family and any other outlet you had…. I was everything to you and the sun rose and set by me…. You’re agreeing right now and its probably pissing you off but keep reading…. So when your doing this it’s causing my Side to rise and I’m sure you always felt empty and when I failed to give you the attention you desperately needed it devastated you…. Am I right so far???? Ok good…. Now this would continue and eventually it would raise me to a point where it made us very difficult to work…. Then I would break it off and then come back…. But why? was it because I was afraid of losing you…. Well yes of course….. but more so because I knew we loved each other and you were becoming a big part of me…. There was always that voice that made me go back to you and it was faint at first…. But over time it grew louder and louder each time getting stronger…. And forcing me to look deep within me and try to seek the problem…. I have always loved you…. That has never been the issue…. Like I said before I just didn’t love myself…. Well I have fallen in love with myself…. And so what’s the solution you’re asking? what’s this magical way that you and I could work forever…. Simple

We love ourselves first…. And let’s say you decided to call me up and say you wanted to try again…. What would it take for the both of us to do that? To work…. No more see saw is what it would take…. No pushing and pulling in other words…. The magnet

 

Well on my end of the see saw it would require me to breakdown my walls and give in completely to you…. Does that mean I live for you and only you…? NO not at all…. It means I open up to you on a relationship level…. That means when we are in public I hold your hand because I want too…. Or kiss you in public when I want too ect. Ect . I show you the love that you need and deserve and you would feel #1 I would share with you my life and all that is within it…. This would be very healthy for me and very futfilling and instead of pushing you away when I was in need I would confide in you like normal people do…. Talk to you about everything

 

On your end it means that you would have to continue to have lots and lots of friends on your side…. Because we both know you are a VERY VERY social person…. That’s a beautiful thing and you need to have that…. It’s the only way…. So you would have to continue hanging out with both your male and female friends…. Doing this would fulfill you in all the ways you need…. And you would glow brighter to me and I wouldn’t be your end all say all… it would strengthen our love and make it unbreakable…. I observe this with Jeremy and Kelly and this is what I meant when I said I need a break…. I know that now…. I didn’t need a break I needed you to be happy and have your circle…. Because you see I have my music behind me…. And you have to have something behind you as well….

 

So getting back to what would I change?

 

Well to start we would have our together time and this would be the time where you and I were together…. And during this time we would only do things that we both agreed on…. So for example there would be no me playing video games while you sat there and vice versa…. You know what I mean…. If we both decided to lie in bed all day then so be it…. But it wouldn’t be one sided…. I would also ask you to help me in the final steps of overcoming my phobia of affection…. In public mainly…. So this would require you to simply grab my hand and hold it when we are getting Chick Fil A : ) and or kissing me in the car…. Or sneaking a peck in while we wait in line at Chick Fil A…. next thing would be that I would make sure everyone knew you were with me and I was with you…. That would mean you come to all functions that I need accompaniment to and the same for yours…. And you would be introduced “ this is my girlfriend/fiancé Natasha and I would be your boyfriend/fiance “ also the ground rule would be laid that if either one of us were bothered by something the word “ Nothing “ could not be used it would be mandatory that we talk about it…. And if things got riled up the timeout rule would have to be used as well…. Also we would have “ Date Night “ a few times a week and these would be just me and you and we would share the responsibility of coming up with new fun things for us to do…. And these nights would be taken very seriously…. No interruptions…. Also at least one of these would have to be with ether your set of friends or mine…. So that we can both meet and learn new people and be in a social circle together…. None of this “ oh I hate his/her friends “ bull * * * * and then you could show me off ; ) and I could show you off ; ) and everyone would wonder what the hell our secret is…. Also included in this would be family…. You were always going to my family functions but I never gave you the same…. BAD MOVE!!!! It would be mandatory that I attend all family functions with you as permitted…. This would also mean me spending the night at your house too…. Also included in this would be girls night out and boy’s night out…. Where you and I would go hang out with our friends separately…. This is the one that really makes the relationship shine…. Because you know as well as I do even though we are out with our friends having fun we would be so excited to see each other later that night…. And I’m talking about you hanging with both Boys and Girls and the same for me…. There would be no distrust because you would feel #1 and so would I…. it’s a win win situation…. You would party just like your doing now and if I wasn’t with you just think how excited you would be to come over after and spend the rest of the night with me and vice versa…. Also it would be mandatory that we BOTH say “ I LOVE YOU “ to one another everyday…. But this would be the easiest of all rules to follow…. Because we do love each other…. And the last and final rule…. We communicate EVERYTHING…. And I mean EVERYTHING…. Simply put this is probably the most important rule of all and the one I broke the most…. But now that my walls are down it would be the easiest to follow

 

So your sitting there saying “ yea great James that sounds great and all but its too late now “ well yea it’s probably to late if we let everything cloud our hearts vision…. I’m sure your friends think I’m the biggest jerk on earth and would stone me if they had the chance and you know what I don’t blame them…. The things I did and the way I acted I would do the same…. And words will never be able to explain how very sorry I am and how ashamed of myself I am for acting that way….But the truth is ITS NEVER TO LATE…. It really is NEVER TO LATE and you are only limited by the limitations you put on yourself…. Time Heals all wounds….Like I said the purpose of this letter is not to try and beg you to come back…. But rather explain how I have changed for the better for me through all this and in turn making me a better lover for you…. if you would have me…. Yea sure it’s a shame that I have taken this long and dragged you through the gravel so badly…. This is the thing that hurts me the most…. And I guess I deserve this… but its punishment that we both don’t need…. What I’m trying to say is that my door is always open to you…. You need to take time and learn you and what you need to resolve within you…. You’re so very smart and beautiful and caring I know this is tearing you apart…. I love you with all my heart…. I always have…. I just kept it trapped deep inside…. I used to be a person that didn’t do this years ago…. But a certain person made me run and bury that after years of abuse…. Well I have dug it back up and I’m back better than ever baby : ) yano what I have done in the past time apart…. I have taken my rings that Kristen and Liz gave me and removed them…. Threw them away…. That’s right threw them In the Jordan River…. I’m moving on from the past, I learned from those times and I have to let go…. I no longer wear them…. So in closing I want you to know that I have really gone through a deep self discovery…. And yes I’m heartbroken that I’m to late…. I know right now you don’t want to see me or speak to me…. And you’re trying to move on and maybe even discover new guys…. This is all fine and a very good thing…. We need to heal from all this bad stuff that happened…. Yes the thought of you seeing other people is not the most pleasant thoughts I like to have…. But if it’s what you need then I support it…. I Support YOU…. This is all a very positive thing here and you should really look deep within you and see what you want and need…. Be true to you…. Don’t let outside influences decide for you…. I asked a lot of advice…. But it was to improve me and not “ What do you think I should do “

 

Natasha I do and always will love you and I’m always here for you…. For as long as it takes…. Does this mean I’m sitting here pining for you…. No it means I have faith in us and I do believe our love is so strong that it will bring us back…. In the meantime I continue to work on me…. Giving you space…. And I hope the day where we can try this new plan will come around…. In the meantime I mourn the death of our OLD DAMAGED relationship but look forward to the new light ahead of both me and you…. Yes it’s sad and the hardest part is not being able to be close to you…. But I take it one day at a time and hang in there I don’t NEED to be with you….

 

I WANT to be with you…. Simply put….

 

So like I said you take all the time you need to do what you need to do and please really take this to heart when I say this is a new light…. I have no negativities toward you at all and I’m ALWAYS here for you in any way shape and form Seriously…. Please be careful out there and if you ever find yourself with the desire to call me…. Please do so…. Don’t let petty foolish walls and pride and the perception of what others think prevent that….

 

We could be beautiful

 

 

I love you

 

Always and forever

 

Yours truly

 

 

 

sorry for the long post

 

J

[madkarma]

Honestly? My advice as someone who has been in a similar situation as your ex is right now: don't give her the letter. I received similar confessions from my ex a while after he broke up with me, and would either refuse to read them or not even acknowledge them in order to save him from embarrassment.

 

Frankly, I believe that if you were thinking clearly at this point, you would be embarrassed to share such thoughts with anyone. You sound incredibly desperate in your letter and it does not portray you in an especially attractive light. You list ways in which you will change, and make countless promises, but put yourself in her position and face reality: you left her 5 (!) times and I can only imagine the pain she must have went through... A piece of paper will not convince her that you are a changed man.

 

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but if your ex is truly having fun right now and enjoying herself--which you said is the case--a sappy, naive letter will only remind her of the disappointments and bad times she shared with you. As a bystander, someone who doesn't know much about your situation other than the information in your letter, it seems to me that she is better off without you.

 

Keep the letter to yourself, read it at the end of the week, and if you still want her to received it then, go ahead and give it to her.

[southerngirl]

Great letter.

 

Dont send it.

 

Use all of what you learned to keep improving yourself so that in the future, if your lucky again toknow love like this....... you wont do the same thing.

 

Set her free..... you broke up with her and broke her heart. This time instead of begging you back, she is trying to dust herself off and stand up. Let her heal. Shes asked you to leave her alone right now, so you need to respect that.

 

It may make you feel better if you burn that letter... let it become ashes like all of the past. Move forward and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship.

[kournikova462]

Great replys

 

thanks

 

i will hold off on giving her the letter.... its just that i know she still cares and she gives me hints.... so im just trying to let her know that im still intrested.... i think she is sowing wild oats and i know she needs this time.... i guess i just have hope that we can work and i truly believe what i wrote as far as bettering myself.... but you make sense

i will hold off

 

thanks

and keep the opinions coming

 

JHo

[karvala]

Well if you're really soliciting opinions, I feel licenced enough to give an honest one. And irrespective of the content of the letter, I should initially say what others have said: write, but don't send, at least at this stage.

 

My opinion? It's hard to say for certain without knowing exactly how the two of you were together, and why she finally decided to hold out this time, but I might say that breaking up and then getting back together five times, apart from being a rather risky approach to a relationship, might be said to show a certain degree of arrogance. And my problem with the letter is that it exacerbates that central issue, rather than addresses it. I've got to be honest with you, if someone sent me a letter that started with an instruction as to how I should read it, and followed it with "this letter really is an exciting and positive body of writing", and included gems such as "Well I have fallen in love with myself….", I'd be turning it into a paper aeroplane and heading for the nearest window.

 

I know I sound harsh, and I've no desire to; I can see from most of it that you're perfectly sincere, and in truth there's absolutely nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself and your self-esteem following a breakup, so in fairness you should congratulate yourself for doing that. But not in a letter to her.

 

The tragedy of letters such as these is that when we write them, we're feeling things so intensely that to us, they look terribly profound. When we read them a year later (and yes, I've done it too, though thankfully I never sent it), they look ridiculous. We think that our ex's will feel the same way when they read them as we feel when we write them, but of course they won't because it's not the letter that's causing you to feel like that. When I started dating my gf, she got a ten-sides-of-A4 letter from her ex, and it didn't move her one bit, even though she admitted a lot of it made sense rationally. I suspect that's the norm rather than the exception.

 

Do yourself a favour. Have another go tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. Use them to keep track of your thoughts if you like. But don't send them.

[melrich]

The tragedy of letters such as these is that when we write them, we're feeling things so intensely that to us, they look terribly profound. When we read them a year later (and yes, I've done it too, though thankfully I never sent it), they look ridiculous. We think that our ex's will feel the same way when they read them as we feel when we write them, but of course they won't because it's not the letter that's causing you to feel like that.

 

That is an exceptionally good insight Karvala. This should be posted on every "Letter to My Ex" post.

 

I agree with the others, don't send it, she will not read it as you intend her to read it. If you want to address these issues with her do it face to face and don't make it so much about you.

[kournikova462]

how we were together

 

well we basically lived together and at one point she did move her stuff in.... i guess through all this i seem to be the odd man out.... seems like most everyone here is the dumpee and im the dumper

 

and yea its that arrogance that makes me worry.... i dont want her to think that im just being a * * * * * and not calling who knows....

 

sigh

 

man

 

JHo

[kournikova462]

and i would love to do it face to face but she wont see me....

 

so i guess its just time

 

JHo