Please help me UNDERSTAND

[Desma214]

Okay to get to the point Im in a relationship that has been a little rocky we have been together for almost to years. We are both 21 and young so it seems to me that we shouldnt have any problems in the sex category but we do. When I got with my bf he was a virgin we had sex alot it didnt matter what time of day we both seemed to enjoy it. But now I literally have to ask for it by saying you wanna get freaky? lol I know it sounds weird but its true I have never had to ask for it before. I lay there waiting patiently and I get so aggervated because I think why should I have to ask and why should I have to wait for a show or movie to go off? When it finally gets time well needless to say Im no longer aroused. He doesnt get me ready u know like a man should hes usually just ready to do it and get it done and that really brings a damper to my satisfaction. He acts like its a job instead of our time to love each other and he can never seem to get me to that point he usually gets off and its over and Im left laying there with my heart crushed and not satisfied. He loves porn and he would rather watch porn and do it hiself than to come to me and satisfy both of us. I really got angry last night because we hadnt done it in three days and I told him I was sexually frustrated and it was his place to take care of my problem well he says well do it later after his show went off and it was already 1:00 in the morning so I said fine Im going to take care of it myself and I did just that. Well when I finished I wasnt completely happy because I knew I would rather have him but he starts an argument with me saying that didnt take long I can hit it for about 15 min and you still not get off and why is that? First I told him I didnt know because I knew he would say something to hurt me and I would also but he kept on until I finally snapped and said if your was big enough then maybe you could get me off.....needeless to say he was pissed and said it was over for me to leave when I get up so instead of crying like normally I didnt I just said okay thats fine. He went and sure enough got on the comp to look at porn and other women and stayed on it until 6:00 this morning. He woke me up around 7:45 wanting to get freaky so we did it lasted maybe 10min and he was done I got one I love you one kiss during the sex and after it all he rolled over and passed out with nothing else said. I have tried to make sex interesting but hes never up for anything new, I have tried everything I can but nothing works. Im so confused and so heart broken I dont know whats going on and whats going to happen can someone please give me some advice. Also when I talked about his I truly in my heart didnt mean it I was mad and now Im left feeling the regret of saying it and thinking he will always remember I said it so please help me on what to do to make it right I just want him to love me like he use to thats it.

[Hope75]

Hi Desma,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

OK well a couple of things stuck out in your post.

 

First this:

 

When I got with my bf he was a virgin we had sex alot it didnt matter what time of day we both seemed to enjoy it. But now I literally have to ask for it by saying you wanna get freaky? lol I know it sounds weird but its true I have never had to ask for it before. I lay there waiting patiently and I get so aggervated because I think why should I have to ask and why should I have to wait for a show or movie to go off?

 

Have you thought of initiating sex yourself? You don't have to "lay there and wait"..... instead, why not take off your clothes and start kissing him? Do a little dance for him, rub yourself against him and tell him that you want him? Sex is a two way street, and we as women have alot of power to get a guy excited in the bedroom. You can't blame him for not initiating every time. Take some of that responsibility yourself and you will benefit from the rewards!

 

I told him I was sexually frustrated and it was his place to take care of my problem well he says well do it later after his show went off and it was already 1:00 in the morning so I said fine Im going to take care of it myself and I did just that.

 

I think here your line of thinking is just skewed. It is not your boyfriend's "place" to be the sole provider of your pleasure. The honest truth is that we are all human, and we aren't always horny at the same time, and sometimes a person just wants to relax and if that is the case, there is nothing wrong with taking things into your own hands... (minus the comments to your boyfriend that make sex sound more like a chore than something he might want to give you at that time....)

 

Well when I finished I wasnt completely happy because I knew I would rather have him but he starts an argument with me saying that didnt take long I can hit it for about 15 min and you still not get off and why is that? First I told him I didnt know because I knew he would say something to hurt me and I would also but he kept on until I finally snapped and said if your was big enough then maybe you could get me off.....needeless to say he was pissed and said it was over for me to leave

 

This is just an awful thing for you to say. I'm not sure what the goal of this was (to see who could hurt each other the most?) but it's certainly not going to solve anything, if anything you've insulted him sexually and guess how much that decreases his drive to please you? Instead of attacking him in this way, you could try calmly talking to him about how you feel.. or giving him a break and taking care of yourself and leaving it at that.

 

I really think that you need to change the way you think. Sex is not supposed to be a chore, and whining, blaming and insulting your man is not the way to get what you want.

[Caterina]

Personally, Id break it off . You are so young and to already have problems like this is not a good sign.

[zerohalo]

I agree with Hope75 200%.

[spiderman_56]

was big enough then maybe you could get me off >>

 

I wouldn't like that either ... that's an insult to my manhood and is to be taken seriously...

well like someone said it before sex is not a chore ,both guy and girl have to make it pleasant ,it doesn't have to be the guy who initiates it all of the time ... it's like a dance you can't dance if the other person doesn't feel strongly that way or it's a crappy love session ...

 

make it more enjoyable , have fun activities with him, sex happens way before the bedroom , go out , relax , spend time together ... make a hit at his ego ... make a bet that he cannot go a week without porn and if he does you'll get a gift..it's kinda of normal .. the guy just jacked off ..of course he is less likely to have sex with u .... or propose to watch porn with him ... it's possible that he says no .. take the initiative ... get some lingerie , get sexy , and with some of your feminine touch he will get big enough to get you off

[candy604]

just a thought..is his porn becoming an addiction and replacing you? Not sure if you should ask someone if they want to get freaky..My bf always asks me " do u want to play?" i get so annoyed with it b/c it seems like i am an object.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I think candy is right, I think he's addicted to porn and it's replacing you. It is definitely a serious problem.

 

You were wrong to nag and say what you said to him, like Hope said, but at the same time, I can also understand why you're frustrated. I had a boyfriend just like that, and it really damages one's ego.

[Desma214]

Just to let everyone know I had the worst afternoon of my life....I appreciate all of your help it really made me understand alot. Well needless to say we fought all day and he kept throwing it up in my face on what I had said to him which I understand that I hurt him alot. I kept my distance from him all day then his friend comes over and for some reason comes in the bedroom with me and sits down without my bf in there. Next thing I know my bf goes off on the fact that me and his friend was alone in the bedroom watching tv made him really mad to the point he cussed his friend and told him to leave and me to. Im thinking its ridiculous the way hes acting so did his friend so I left and took his friend somewhere else and went back for my stuff. To make it short I thought it was over but I didnt cry I knew what I had said to him and it hurt me worst than him probably and I understood he was hurt and angry. Eventually I didnt leave we went and had some alone time together and now we are closer than we have ever been, I have never laughed so hard with my bf we had a great time together and a great night and yes we did have sex and nobody asked it just happened and it was great he sure did please me. I know now how strong his feelings are toward me and how much he loves me and I have never been so happy Im sure what we have is special we made it through alot but we always find each other again. I guess when things go bad it brings you closer if it was truly meant to be.

[Hope75]

Desma,

 

I'm sorry that you had a fight but happy that it ended up letting you and your boyfriend communicate and feel closer.

 

I think the key is to be honest, but kind- and treat your bf like someone you love and respect. Save the nasty comments that only serve to hurt him and your relationship. When you feel like you are going blow your top and say something nasty- take a deep breath and count to ten... and let it go. It is much more productive to say things like, "I feel hurt and rejected if we aren't making love as much and I want to do what it takes to get us back to feeling close- what can we do?" that gets the point accross without the hurtful statements that sting and stay in his mind forever.

 

Also, it makes you seem like you are a team that works together to solve the problems that relationships bring... and if he sees you as a willing partner and not just someone who finger points and lays there expecting it all to come to her- he's likely to be much more willing to participate and help out. Then you both get rewarded!

 

Good luck.