To believe or not to believe?

[confusedsoul]

well, I'll try to make the story short. I met my guy, S, through some business dealing five years ago. He was married then. We got along well and soon became friends. He then told me how miserable he was in his marriage and a divorce was inevitable. I believed him and one thing led to another, we were in a relationship. As time went by, I began to feel uneasy coz the so inevitable divorce didn't seem to take place. I started to question him and we started quarreling. Then one day, I saw him, holding hand with his wife walking in the mall! I was petrified and then he saw me but just walked right past me. He later told me for the sake of his 7-yr old son, they were trying to work on their marriage. Hearing this, I left him.

 

One year later, he tracked me down and told me he's separated from his wife and they have signed the paper. That he still loves me and wanted me to give him another chance. He was persistent, and after few months of his courtship, I slowly gave in to his persistency. Afraid of being hurt again, I didn't make it easy for him even though I still loves him. Then I started to notice a subtle change in him and one night I saw him having dinner with another woman. When I checked his mobile, I saw sms from him telling her how he couldn't wait to meet her. We had a big fight and I left. One week later, after cooling down, I contacted him and to my aghast, he was at the theatre with her for a movie! I went hysterical and he cancelled the movie to see me. To him, he thought I've left him for good and hence seeing another person casually shouldn't consider as cheating. Again, I felt so betrayed and couldn't believe him who had shown such persistency in winning me over to let go over a relationship just like that. A close friend of his came to help by mediating between the two of us. He admitted to me later that he was indeed started to consider exploring his friendship with his lady friend further since our relationship didn't seem to go any way. We had both agreed to give us another try and I firmly told him that to help me building trust in him that was so dashed by his past actions he would have to be totally honest with me, no matter what.

 

After that, we tried to make our relationship works and we had a relatively loving relationship even though deep down I still feel I've to be on guard from being fooled again. During that time, he had to travel overseas and in one of his returning trip , I saw in his email a greeting card from a lady telling him she misses him and that communication via phone messages are not enough. I confronted him and he claimed to have only met the person once through a colleague and he has nothing to do with her. Noted there's isn't any personal reply from him to her, I believed him. I again emphasized the importance of honesty from him and he agreed.

 

Beginning of this year, I noticed how unnatural he's again when answering certain phone calls. When asked about the caller, he said was just a lady junior staff from another department saying hello. This happened a few times and I started to feel uneasy again. Then I checked his mobile and noticed that she has been calling him very often. When confronted, he was first mad at me for checking on him and later just said she was just being friendly and as a senior management person he has to appear to be accessible to junior staff. I cautioned him that the frequency of calls clearly shown she's more than just friendly. Then one day when I called him on his mobile, he was rather cold and abruptly end the conversation. Later when being probed again, he told me he was actually having a talk with the junior staff and that she admitted to liking him and that he told her that he's not interested. Hearing this, I advised him not to be overly friendly with her anymore and the best is not to entertain her call and be transparent with me on this issue if he has nothing to hide. He agreed. . After that, when I checked with him he told me there’s no more call from her. I checked his mobile, only to see that she has been calling him even more often, 2 or 3 times a day! When confronted, said he didn't want to upset me and thought it's harmless since he has told her his position. We fought, and I told him I'm more upset with him for lying than for the calls themself. And this happens a few times, and I always forgave hime after he promised to be completely honest the next time. Then one day, I saw an email from her to him saying how she would know what to do to help both of us for their long term solution. I hit the roof and we had a big fight. He again was angry of me snooping around, and that he chose not to tell to avoid me from getting mad. And that if I had not chosen to snoop, we wouldn't have problem. He assured me there's absolutely nothing going on with her and he has no idea what she was talking in the email. Fooling as it sound, I bought his story and continue our relationship on his promise that he will absolutely be transparent, because otherwise, it's really difficult for me to believe there is nothing going on if he keeps lying. Cut the already long story short, there are times when he will offer to tell him that she contacted him and times when he did the same thing(i.e. lying about her calls/sms). And on last fight, I basically pleaded to him to understand that it's absolute difficult for me to believe him, if he keeps hiding from me. But he has done it again. This time, he told me that she messaged him but he didn't response and just delected the message coz he's absolutely annoyed with her persistency. To my anguish, I found out from her message that was in delete box that he was the one who called her. When confronted, he again said because he thinks it's not important, he was just returning her call and he has really nothing going on with her. This time round, I walked out from the house. Besides two short messages to say sorry, he has not called me or contact me since, just like previous fight we had when I was always the one walking back in again.

 

Sad to say, I know I do love this man. But I really don't know whether I should believe him anymore. I've never found any of his replies to her that were intimate or personal. But if there's really nothing, why did he lies over this person so much and risking our relationship? help....

[avman]

Well I think you already know the answer to this.

 

Lets see, this guy cheated on his wife with you. Then he cheated on you with others. And he's cheating on the others with others. And so on.

 

He has shown by his actions he is nothing but a player and cares only for himself. He'll tell you anything to keep you but that won't stop him from getting some extra when you aren't looking. It will drive you nuts not knowing whether he will honor you or not.

 

You deserve better. Dump him - hard.

[jealous2003]

This guy sounds like he is playing woman after woman and you are his security blanket. This may be hard to hear but it is a home truth. e keps you around so that he has someone to go back to all the time. He has people on the side, I think that much is obvious, and you just have to build up the confidence to walk away for good. HE WILL TRY TO CONTACT YOU. Trust me, after a while he'll want you back, he'll ring, and sms, and come to see you, he'll do anything, but DON'T GIVE IN.

 

I am still with the person I've been with for the past year. We have broken up 3 times. I have found messages on his phone from preious girlfriends and a new girl from his work. Everytime we have broken up he has stopped the contact with the other person and begged for me back. I always go back. Luckily for me he has realised what he's lost and this time he's changed. We've been back together for 7 months and it's going really well. But I should have had the courage to walk away ages ago. I love him too much to do it but if it ever happens again I will go. I'll get some distance and I won't give in to him. This is what you need to do, honestly, this guy won't change. I know mine has, for now, but there is always the nagging feeling that something might be going on. You'll never trust him 100% I promise.

 

This is my advice, if you want to talk feel free to PM me.

Good luck

[confusedsoul]

Thank you for your reply. I'm in a state of confusion. It hit me hard because I thought we had something good going on and we were talking about marriage and buying house. To realise the guy that you have loved so much is not exactly who you think he is, is really hard.