I'm REALLY hurting tonight

[flutterbywngs]

Hmmm... I don't really know where to start? My emotions have been all over the place the past few days.

 

Some of you already know I'm recently divorced after being with my ex for 17 years. 2 dating and 15 married. I'm also living on my own for the first time in my life, which has it's perks, but for the most part I've been feeling VERY ALONE lately. And, in addition to those two life-altering things I started my own business as a voice coach 4 months ago. Phew!

 

So, on the surface it looks like I'm starting my new life on the right foot. I'm an independent woman with her own business who should be really proud of herself... right? Hmmm... Why then am I in so much pain? It's excruciating! I can't eat right (either too much or nothing), I can't sleep right ( too much or nothing) and I can't shake this loneliness.

 

The money situation isn't too great right now either. I have students, but this week the majority of them cancelled because they were sick, so I've made almost nothing this week. I'm terrified. I'm sure they'll all be back as soon as they shake their colds or whatever is going around, but for now I'm out an entire weeks pay. OUCH!

 

Anyway, I'm starting to crumble emotionally. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday. I'd get up and eat, check e-mails, check voice-mails and lay back down. I should have gone to the gym, or for a walk, or done something productive, but I couldn't budge.

 

I'm also in a relationship that is starting to unravel. We were so close, but lately he's become so extremely self-absorbed that he's hard to be around. I thought it was just my imagination, but his roommate commented on it too. I've tried to talk to him about what I'm going through, but it always turns into a conversation about him](*,)

 

I don't know where I'm going with this? I'm so tired...so sad and confused.

Is it just too many big changes at once? I know I'm depressed, but... I'm just really scared too.

[Boughs]

Living on ones own is very lonely. Keep yourself busy at home. Write alot... you never know, a story you write could end up becoming the next biggest film in history. At least, that's my mode of thinking.

 

Its rough becoming single... even after 2 years, its hard for me. But I know its best... i have a lot of personal growth and learning to do. I need to explore more and I know that although it sucks now, this is best. It is best.

[flutterbywngs]

Thanks Boughs.

 

I've managed to get a couple hours sleep. I'm making myself get back in bed for a little longer so I can function today with a clear head.

 

You're right about it being lonely when you find yourself single again. It's funny, I've made a lot of friends since I moved here, but everyone is in their own little world. I live in Hollywood and everyone is sooo ambitious and career driven that it's hard to get people to just hang out. I guess I really shouldn't be too surprised that my boyfriend has become so self-absorbed, I mean he's a singer who wants to get into tv and film. Haha! Maybe it's par for the course? All my old friends are so far away now though and always under the impression that I must be really busy now.

 

You're right about writing. I've been journaling a bit again. Kind of giving

myself someone to talk to.

 

Ok. I'm really tired and rambling. Thanks again.

[Boughs]

No problem Flutter. I live near LA myself... and I'm originally from the east coast. Its really hard/tough to make friends like i did back at home. People are just so driven to accomplish their life goals, they seem to forget about their heart and what is going on now.

[Daddy Bear]

I sense a lot of unresolved grief in your post. Maybe this new relationship was a bit premature? And have you thought about moving to Glendale or some other suburb less plastic than H'wood? I live in Whittier, and the folks here couldn't be more real.

[flutterbywngs]

I sense a lot of unresolved grief in your post. Maybe this new relationship was a bit premature? And have you thought about moving to Glendale or some other suburb less plastic than H'wood? I live in Whittier, and the folks here couldn't be more real.

 

You're right, Lot's of unresolved grief. I left my ex-husband last year because he was unfaithful. I came here so I could start life over...new faces, new places, new vibe. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't bump into him and his new fiancé accidentally. I also didn't want to be surrounded by people who knew the circumstances of the divorce. I somehow felt really ashamed and embarrassed as a result of his infidelity. But, that’s another issue for another post I suppose.

 

You’re right about maybe moving to the Valley. I’ve thought about it a lot. Originally when I came out here my intention was to move to Studio City or Sherman Oaks, but my boyfriend convinced me that Hollywood was my best bet. I’d be closer to the action. I ended up moving into an apartment directly accross the street from him. I’m sure I’d find a less expensive apartment there too.

[Neworleanslady]

I can not imagine the loss you feel. It must be like a sort of death. I don't know about you but I always want to hold things and make sense of them, control the uncontrollable and solve the unsolveable (sp). I guess all we can really do is accept our losses, bury them and breath.

 

As another person in this universe I am sorry you are hurting. I wish there was some way to take it away. But don't fight the upset, just let it be and runs its course. Have you consulted with a professional? It may help. I hope you feel better as soon as you possibly can.

[flutterbywngs]

I can not imagine the loss you feel. It must be like a sort of death. I don't know about you but I always want to hold things and make sense of them, control the uncontrollable and solve the unsolveable (sp). I guess all we can really do is accept our losses, bury them and breath.

 

As another person in this universe I am sorry you are hurting. I wish there was some way to take it away. But don't fight the upset, just let it be and runs its course. Have you consulted with a professional? It may help. I hope you feel better as soon as you possibly can.

 

Thanks...

It's funny, for most of this first year on my own I did really well as far as accepting the loss, attempting to bury the past by really focusing on my future (new business, new friends, new town, getting in shape) and learning to breath on my own, but suddenly this past couple of weeks have been really hard.

 

I think it's the combination of struggling financially and struggling with a new relationship that has my head spinning. Somehow, it's made me start thinking about the past more. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Lately my emotions are really strong. If something reminds me of my ex-husband I'll get really angry. Almost angrier than I did when things originally went bad. If something reminds me of the good times... I get emotional and cry. It feels like maybe I'm finally really dealing with everything.

 

Maybe I threw myself into everything too fast? At the time all I wanted to do was create a new life for myself. Has anyone else felt like this?

 

As far as professional help? I recently got health insurance again, and I've been thinking about finding a therapist in the area. I guess I really need to deal with everything that's brought me to this point.

[need2bme]

I am apart too, from my GF of 13.5 years and now out in a new area of the state and living alone. Sometimes I can just be standing around and then BOOM!. I either feel really lonely, depressed or I just want to cry or throw-up.

 

I know how you feel...

[flutterbywngs]

I am apart too, from my GF of 13.5 years and now out in a new area of the state and living alone. Sometimes I can just be standing around and then BOOM!. I either feel really lonely, depressed or I just want to cry or throw-up.

 

I know how you feel...

 

Sorry you're going thru this too. Hopefully it won't be long before we feel stable again.