What is the next step???

[skimstr]

For the past week or so I have had reasons to believe that my gf has not been honest with me. There has been inconsistencies in her normal routines and her excusses have been very questionable because none of them really made any sense. She has not been willing to spend much time on the phone and usually insists to get off after a few moments. She claims that she is acting this way because of the untrusting manner that i have been displaying towards her which is understandable. I have approached her in many different ways to get a truthful response and every time i have gotten the same defensive reaction saying that i'm crazy and she would never cheat on me. I'm still not satisfied...I want to know that i'm not crazy but i can't stop thinking about her lame excuses....what options do i have left? Basically my question is...If you felt that your gf was cheating on you and tried everything to get her to confess but still didn't feel satisfied with her response what would you do next?

[Katerimo]

I'm sure this isn't a very 'honorable' response but I would spy on her. Not over the top spying but is there any way you can check up on what she is telling you is true? Just check the once if she isn't lying always trust her from then on. Thats only a personal opinion mind you! follow your heart.

[cantexplain]

I agree with katerimo's response in spirit, but not letter. Be careful you don't stalk or break laws or risk your social reputation or own self-image by sneaking around and gathering "facts."

 

If she is cheating on you, chances are she wouldn't tell you, anyway.

 

If she wanted to break it off, she'd be risking her own self image as an honest person if it became known she was involved with two people at once.

 

What do you know about former boyfriends? It is not uncommon for a former boyfriend to know all about you and you nothing of him.

 

There is also a good chance that nothing is going on and your fears have taken over and are pushing her away. You could be seeming possessive.

 

Look for other signs in her of character defect and deception. Is she sneaky in other parts of her life? Patterns of dishonesty toward others may indicate her potential to use you, even if she hasn't yet.

 

On the flipside, does she seem honorable in all her other relations - friends, family, work, community, strangers, animals, etc? If so, your fears may just be the insecurity that comes with loving someone without having more faith in ourselves.

 

All relationships have one big string attached: things might not work out. We always must feel secure in ourselves to the extent that we know whatever happens - we will be Okay. That security is the basis for some big parts of romantic attraction. So find this first.

 

And remember this, too:

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will come back."

 

So if you can arrange a good heart-to-heart where you are prepared with some conflicting facts (new to her at the time of this talk) that are forming the substance of your fears - and if she is unable to allay your fears with more clarifying facts - set her free.

 

Good luck. Your instincts are probably right. I am the kind of guy who still needs facts - especailly in matters as important as matters of the heart.

[skimstr]

I have always believed in following your instincts and it seems like my only option left is to do a little spying in order to satisfy my fear. Her responses to my questions are so beyond belief and what makes her think that i would believe her for a second beats the heck out of me...for instance

 

She called me at work on tues night and asked me to record american idol for her so she could watch it the next time she came to my house. The next day during a phone conversation she asks me with an exact description as if she had seen it with her own eyes, "did you see the dude on idol last night with the long hair and long beard? oh my god i loved his voice!" my reponse was...how did you see american idol? and she replied with "huh?" I said how did you see american idol if you were at work last night? Now i know for a fact that she was at work until 10pm so there is no way that she saw it then but it was clear to me that she went to someones house afterwards or the next day and watched it. after she paused for a second she replied with "ok i lied, i didnt really see it, my friend called me and told me about the dude and played the audio over the phone for me" YYYYYEEEEEEAAAA RIGHT.....but i have no way to prove that she was lying....it just sounds rediculous!

[Katerimo]

Yeah spy on her, but in a non stalkery fashion

[anggrace]

What if she finds out you were spying and then you realize nothing was going on? This could tear you appart. Why is it that you are so sure she's not being honest? Can you give examples?

[skimstr]

I gave an example above in the third post

[cantexplain]

I've looked closely over your example and I'd have to say that my first impression is that she wanted to make conversation - and test you see if you'd record something for her when she was away (women do test us and if we like them we honor the challenge) - or she legitimately didn't think she'd see it and wanted you, a trusting and reliable friend, to record it for her.

 

My second impression, when I paid attention to her pause, followed by "I lied" seems like everything from then on -- from now on -- could be a lie, too.

 

We don't know what is going on here. Spying will give you additional info. My guess is she's working two or more boys right now. That would not bother me in the early stages of dating unless something else had been agreed upon.

 

She loves idol, is interested in you, likes your shared interest in idol, had some other date wherein she did not know whether she'd get to see the show or not, and forgot she asked you to record it because she was not planning on seeing it.

 

The response: not only "I lied" but the explanation that she got that info from a friend over the phone seems pretty fishy to me.

 

I have known liars to be busted, fess up to their lie. Its like they think that in being honest about lying that others are reassured. We are mistaken for fools.

 

I don't think this gal may even be worth spying on - judging by your gut and the example you have given.

 

My wish for you is use this as practice of learning how you want to be treated. I mean you recorded the show for her and she forgot! Back off and see how much she cares. If she stays interested maybe try to deal with this dishonesty possibility or other guys thing then.

 

You are lucky to not be more involved, I think. Close this door so another, better feeling one will open.

 

Meanwhile move along with your own life I say.

[hisgirl1828]

im gonna have to disagree with everyone here...why dont you be more specific.what kind of lame excuses do you get??just because her normal schedule isnt that normal anymore doesnt mean anything.people change as do their schedules...

would if you do spy on her and shes not doing anything and then she finds out you spyed??your doomed, that'll be the end of your relationship. why dont you try trusting her, just be careful