Advice on recent breakup...on again-off again

[rosie76]

Sorry, Jordan - offline for a few days.

 

In answer to your question - was on again, off again with the guy who felt less. Were together for a year, in which there were maybe 4 breakups, but none latsting more than a day or two. Then he moved away, I saw the guy who felt more for a bit less than a year - no on and off with him but lots of long discussions about how I didn't feel what I should and was he ok with that. After he moved away and I split up with him finally, I was back with the other guy for maybe 9 months, but we weren't really a couple. He still lived far away and we agreed it would be too scary to do anything serious, so we just enjoyed what time we had - usually when a whole group of friends were meeting up somewhere, or on one or two occaisions he visited me or I visited him. We talked on the phone and kept in email contact, but you couldn't say I was properly his girlfriend. That ended when we both agreed that it either had to be more or less than what it was, and he said he couldn't feel more. Actually just saw him - the connection between us was as strong as ever and i still feel he would be all I want in a partner, but somehow it no longer hurt that that's not the case on his side. All in just 2.5 years of not speaking to him! Still bewildering how so much can be so right and still it have been such an awful mess for us to be together, though.

 

Anyway, how are you holding up?

[jordan1234]

Hey Rosie,

 

Yeah i'm actually doing fine. something in your post really caught my attention in that the guy that felt more moved on quickly. I have a tendency to do this as well. i do think a big part of the issues with my ex was that i did maybe try to fit her into my expectations of a girlfriend and less and relationship with her. with that i a really goning to chill on stuff. N calling the ex, no trying to pukll girls all the time. Im going to justbe fro a bit and enjoy the things i love.

 

Also, another question is that did it ever feel totally right with the guy that felt less? I ask that because one thing that is categorically true with my ex and I is that for a god long time we both had very strong feelings, and we both had them go away a little bit in december. For me this always happens with women (an issue i am constantly working on), but for her i think she weighted it differently. I think she freaked again. Its hard to say, but is just another possible answer.

 

I still think about her often and i still, in many ways, am trying to figure out whathappened. This was very sudden, and still seems odd. In my past when i was losing interest in a girl i became reclusive and that was certainly not the case with her. I think she thinks too much. In this day and age it is so difficult ot meet someone you "click" with that i thinkit keeps both of us holding on in some ways since we certainly have that.

 

i have no idea if my ex will return. Her pattern would suggest she will at some poitn but it could be the end of the cycle. She could be done no matter how hard it is. She has trouble trusting men, and is VERY picky so i wonder if this is really the end, but as i said i am fine with moving on and just being for a bit. It is stil hard and i do miss her terribley though. I too, cannot understand why something so right can not be dersieable for her. I think the only thing i can do is give her time to reflect on life with me and without (or even with others), and see if what she feels is really a hole with us, or a hole in general. Would she be as happy with someone else? Maybe she is incapable of never feeling a hole (like me) for periods? These are things she needs to figure out. I know i love her and could see a futrue with her.

 

Another thing i wanted to ask is if i fought enough. I told her how i felt and gave her space but i wonder if i coudlnt have done more? you know? I think it needs to come from her and she knows how i feel, but i wonder if she thinks that i am giving up too quickly....on the other hand this is all coming from her and she knows i wanted to make it work.....

 

One thing I often say and want to say to a lot of posters here is that relationships are not movie scrips. They all are different. Even if this is not traditional, it is what it is. This could be the steps that will bring us together or keep us apart. But im not going to let stubborness or pride guide me. If she wants to work, ill look into it and see how i feel. If i never hear from her again then i will move on and realize that she was an amazing part of my life. Ill get through no matter, but its up to her now i think.......i look back and see how i could have been more understanding. i certainly took her for granted during our "rut" and could have done more. But i think she knwos i love her and wanted to work on issues, so i think i just need to move on and see what the future brings. either her back or a new life....

[rosie76]

Hi Jordan,

 

Busy with work but wanted to drop a line in to say I hope you're doing well.

 

In quick answers to questions above - no, though I felt a lot of warmth and probably even love, it never felt perfectly right with the guy who felt less. Comfortable, yes, but never all that I knew it could be.

 

Also, yes, I do think you fought enough, as you put it. As long as she knows how you feel, there's nothing you can do to make her feel more than she does. I wish I'd learned that earlier - you really can't do anything to control what someone else feels for you. And if you try too hard, beyond just being as good to and honest with them as you can be, you'll likely end up losing sight of yourself and that's never attractive or good for you. As I think I said before, it's likely you could fight a bit more and maybe win her back for now - she'll be vulnerable and lonely and she does feel a lot for you. It's not a winning strategy, though, as she needs to be with you only if she really wants to be if you've any chance of getting past the on-again/off-again rubbish.

 

Good luck

-rosie

[jordan1234]

Just thought i would update my siutaionm a bit and see if anyone had any advice....

 

Its been four weeks since we broke upand I have gotten nothing from her. No textx. No calls. I have heard through the grapevine that she is not dating anyone as I was starting to fear that it was the true reaosn for our break up. We have been throug a lot. I forget sometimes how last year we were apart for 3 months yet i feel like we had more contact. In that thought i wonder if this is better in someways for a possible reconciliation.

 

Last year we lost touch but she woudl always call at some point in two to three weeks or send a random text. It was a little harder to be honest. We slowly got back together. this time im getting nothing, but i wonder if thats better.

 

I hate to say i am still holding out hope but i am. for one she still has yet to return some clothes at her place. I wonder why often, especially since she forgot them when she picked up her stuff at my house.

 

We also both live in a college town with few singles our age. Neitehr of us are planning to move, as we love it here. I would find it a hard task for her to meet someone like me, and vice versa.

 

I guess i feel that it will take true time completely apart for any type of real reconciliation. Real reflection without the limited interaction. do others agree? I feel even if she wanted to get back now it would be akward, but down the line it might be easier. We had sucha connection that i feel she will realize this later. I think one of the main reasons for our break was baggage issues from her first boyfriend (with whom she will never get back

).

 

Anyway I am strong with NC, although i have been temped to call. I feel this is a bad idea though as the time has made things easier, BUt even though i wonder and i imagine she wonders too, do others think i shoudl keeep it up?