JulieW Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I've been strong for three weeks about N/C with my male friend. He's the one that after I told him that I was leaving my husband, revealed his feelings. I really care for him as he does me, so we went ahead. He had to move back East last month to be with his dying Grandmother. Over a text message, he basically informed me that what we had wasn't more than "friends with benefits". This weekend for some reason was really hard for me and I had to restrain myself from texting him or calling, whatever. Help Link to comment
emma34 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Keep restraining...time will make it easier..i'm sure you know that being that you have recently left your husband. There is likey some misplaced grief regarding this separation vs. your failed marriage. Theres not much I can say. Your doing good so far, so keep it up. I wish you good luck - and as you probably know there is some great literature (some on this website) on healing after a break up/divorce. It's easy to understand why you really wanted this to work out with this guy. But quite honestly, it's probably best to take some time for yourself, and gradually get back into the dating game, without jumping into anything serious. Link to comment
caro33 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I've been strong for three weeks about N/C with my male friend. He's the one that after I told him that I was leaving my husband, revealed his feelings. I really care for him as he does me, so we went ahead. He had to move back East last month to be with his dying Grandmother. Over a text message, he basically informed me that what we had wasn't more than "friends with benefits". This weekend for some reason was really hard for me and I had to restrain myself from texting him or calling, whatever. Help That's a real kick in the guts isn't it? Not very sensitive or supportive of your friend at all. If he felt that way he should probably not have revealed his feelings to you to start with; he sounds a bit irresponsible with your feelings. But yes, as per the previous poster, there's not a lot to say except hang in there. All this will pass. Not that hearing that helps, but it's unfortunately the truth. Busy yourself as much as possible, and do whatever you can to build a wall between yourself and this friend of yours. You're doing well - keep it up, it will get easier. Just think, you've been through the worst right now; if you contact him you will likely have to start the no contact afterward all over again - don't fall into that trap. You only want to go through this crap once. He knows where you are. If he is remotely worthy of you he will find you. Then he has some ground to make up. Link to comment
JulieW Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 What I keep telling myself is how much more it will hurt if I were to breakdown and text him or call and he doesn't answer........ I don't know why this weekend was so much harder than usual. When I felt I was about to reach for the phone I grabbed my iPod or a book instead. I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can And thanks for the support guys Link to comment
blender Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 good for you, it's important not to reach out to the cause of your heartache, stay strong, be confident that YOU are worthy of a wonderful man, and this guy is just not going to be him. Sometimes we get that "urge" to alleviate our "feelings in the moment" by contacting someone who is clearly not up to the standards/values our hearts deserve.. this is like a temporary "fix"..only to leave us feeling more pain afterwards... be proud of the fact that YOU know HE is not worthy of hearing from you... YOU are making a wise choice to not contact him.. let this strength of choice empower you... one day at a time.. Link to comment
JulieW Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Oh man....update.... I became friends with T's sister over the course of our own friendship and saw her recently. I made it a point with her that I don't talk about T because I didn't want either of them to think I was hanging out with her to "pump for information". She made a flippant comments about "T's looking for a job, T saw Grandma a few days ago...". Normally I try to keep quiet and just acknowledge her and change the subject but this time she noticed. "Sorry, it seems to upset you when I talk about him." "It wouldn't bother me so much if HE was talking to ME." "What do you mean he's not talking to you??!!?" Long story short, he's been doing the same thing to her when she mentions me in conversation. She had no idea that her brother hadn't been contacting me. I said, "The only thing I will say is that it's been 25 days since I've heard from him. Three weeks since I contacted him. T didn't even deem me worthy of a return "Happy New Years" text. He said that I was special to his life and then just dropped off the face of the Earth." She wanted to know if she should talk to him about it. I said that I didn't want her to get involved. It really has nothing to do with the relationship that her and I share. I reminded her that this was why I didn't want to bring up T when we were together in this context. It puts her in the middle and that isn't fair. Ugh... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 It's very mature that you realize, and avoid, putting someone else in the middle of your relationship issues. I applaud you for that. Link to comment
JulieW Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Oh, well thank you keefy1972 I appreciate that. I was actually wondering if I should still be hanging out wiht her, since all of this went down. But T is the one who suggested I stay in touch with her (she tutors French so I'm brushing up), while he was gone. Link to comment
caro33 Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Does the benefit of being with her and having her in your life for now ourweigh the emotional cost? I think I would be torn if I was you. If you did want to pull back, maybe you can just be honest with her and say that for now, and for a little while, you are struggling with your feelings for T and that being with her is a bit hard. That you think she's awesome but that you need to protect yourself and your relationship with her by taking some down time. That you'll call her in a month or something, and you hope she understands. That at least gives you some time to heal. I hate when you are trying to be brave and move past an issue and you keep getting new 'material' to mull over - even the bland information can feel dangerous. Link to comment
keenan Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 jw, you're getting lots of really great advice here. i don't have anything to add except moral support. stay strong. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Actually, if your friendship with her is strong, then by all means, carry on with it. I would however make her know that she needn't discuss her brother with you. Of course that is if hearing of him affects you in any way. Being your friend, I have no doubt that she would gladly respect such a request. That also means you'd need to avoid asking about him also. Link to comment
JulieW Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Being with her really didn't bother me in the way of reminding me of T. Just for the time that I'm in her house because he used to live there. I make a really concerted effort to not say ANYTHING about her brother. I don't ask how he's been doing, nothing. That is the small part that is difficult because as a friend, I'd like to talk about why I'm sad etc, but I can't with her. At least in such a specific manner. I do if it's general. Yesterday though, something she told me something that kind of made my antenna rise. We were talking about her new boyfriend and, long story short, she has been making him set up scenarios and they play out her ideal fantasies of 'what she likes'. Now, I can understand if they were talking about what she enjoys but she makes him dress up, she dresses up....and then she explains every step to go through and why she likes it. "Now, what I want you to do here is feed me a strawberry because that is erotic. After that I want you to..." The first thing I thought was, what the hell?!?!?! This is the person that has probably been giving T advice on how to deal with me?!? Holy moly Link to comment
keenan Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 but she makes him dress up, she dresses up....and then she explains every step to go through and why she likes it. "Now, what I want you to do here is feed me a strawberry because that is erotic. After that I want you to..." uhhh...wow. sexy. i mean..."what i'm doing here now is using sarcasm, because that's funny." Link to comment
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