over after 16 yrs

[Siro]

My GF of 16 yrs told me to leave.We have an 9yr old boy.Over the years we've had our diffecultys.my drug habits.Ive been clean for 9yrs with one slip.

she say's I never communicated and never commited.why i never put a ring on her finger I don't know. I make great money but have trouble budegting that was an issue.I worked Nights she worked Days I have a great job with a potenional big pay off. and worked a lot of hours .I focused what ever time I had on my son and work and forgot about her

 

We split in Aug i moved out in sept right away she flew with my son to FL on vacation and to meet up with this new guy he lives in FL.The new "friend" can fly up when ever he wants works for air lines, buys things for her and my son just bought a new PS3.I'm supposed to do that.She says she cant have a long distance relationship with this guy.and that "IT works for me right now " but it kills me.

I had NC for three months eccept for things related to my son.Holidays came and the new BF spent 2 weeks with them.I was dying inside I've always wanted her back but did not say anything.Then I went the I'll do anything Ill change route which annoyed her.she says things like I can't now, I don't know what the future holds,I need time to heal the scars. she says she loves me but not IN LOVE and just because she loves me doesnt mean she has to be with me. and that we were never friends and we have to be friends now.She brings up My horrible past.but says I'm a great father.

what do i do I want to be a family again?

[emma34]

I'm not saying that u should just marry her or whatever...because that doesn't make things right, but in this situation, i wonder why u didn't. She has committed a huge part of her life to you, and i'm wondering why u didn't decide to make it official years ago? I can understand why she thinks you haven't 'committed'. You may lose/have lost your chance.

 

But anyway, that's your decision...so i won't say too much. If you want your family back, your going to have to find an alternative way of showing her how committed you are. Maybe all you need is a little boost to your relationship...i would say romance her a little - pretend as if u just started dating again. Take her on a romantic date, bring her flowers...she will appreciate it no matter what she decides to do. She needs to see action...show her how much u want her back.

[Siro]

she wants no dating no romance said she needs "me time now" since she put so much time into us

why I didn't marry my parents were divorced her parent's were divorced I was commited with out it

[emma34]

well if time is what she needs...maybe time will tell. i wish good luck to you. i hope everything turns out, but if not...you might have to start thinking about moving on.

[Eileen101]

The hard part with something like this is that the way someone really feels (you) didn't come out until she was gone. I have to ask you were you really comfortable with her and did you think that she would never leave you? And when she did, did you think that it was just a stint to make you chase after her. Because to be totally honest with you if I was her, this is what I would be feeling: Now that you see me with someone else and someone is giving me the love and affection that I really needed, you are upset about that and it is only because of that that you want to get back together. Why didn't you speak up sooner? I don't want to bombard you or be negative in anyway, just honest. I think if you show her that she really is important to you and make a way to be very sincere with her, talk with her very honestly from time to time, she will eventually think of giving you another chance. I know it must be hard to feel like that is totally gone. If she is unable to give you that and really just needs space make sure that you give it to her, she will have an immense amount of respect for that and it will put you in a better light in her eyes. Good luck, take care. E.

[Siro]

I was in shock the first 3 months had no feelings it was like a void .she seem so hurt i did not want to hurt her any more i stayed at my company apt and just worked and tryed to forget. the holidays came and I just lost it I'm in therapy now and trying to deal Im glad I found this site and appreciate the help

[Siro]

so i tryed NC 3 days broke it today. we have to talk we have a child. she talks about us in the past and says I need to move on "I did" "your a good lookin guy you can find someone"I asked why do you want to see me with somebody "I want to see you happy"she said UGH!!! i'm still holding a little.but I'm starting to realize It'll never be.Feel like calling her right now I'll try not to

also I have to here this guys name every day from my son because they play online daily It tears my gut when I here his name. I can't say anything to him He's alittle boy

since I found this site the day's aren't so dark I don't feel so depressed It seems to get alittle easier every day.

Hard to keep busy,I work at night not to many friends around during the day and It's cold in NYC.

As you can read I'm not a great communicator that was one of her issues with me just need an to get my thoughts out

 

thanks all

[need2bme]

Eileen: Thank you so much for your post on this thread. I needed to read it to and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. As you know, I too was in a long term relationship and should have done more to show her. I didn't and now know I may never have another chance and that is what I need to get prepared for. It is a fine line to walk between space and trying to show her you care and have changed, when you don't know if never means ever. I like your insight and anything you can teach us on how to be better men, er, people, would really help.

 

Siro: I feel your pain buddy and I am right there with you. I concentrated on a "vice" and my work and all sorts of stuff, instead of her. We were together 13 1/2 years and broke up and got back together many, MANY, times. This last time was the proverbial straw. She too is with someone else. He is living with her. How she could do that in such a short period of time, I will never know (well I may know, but I don't think I understand it).

 

One thing I want you to realize is that your son knows you are his dad. My kids, from my ex wife, not this current ex, know now that they are older that I am a good man. It will all work out. You are so doing the right thing and being a good man, by not putting him in the middle.

 

Also, my current ex of 13 1/2 years, said many of the same kinda things to me. She wants me to find love and be happy. I am a good man with a good heart....and so on. I know how you feel completely. I was supposed to work out last night and I still have plenty of unpacking to do in the new place. All I did was curl up in front of the tv and fall asleep. I don't want to do anything.

 

We have to push through though. IF WE EVER WANT THEM BACK, THEY ARE GOING TO NEED SOMEONE STRONG! You have to push through anyway, because your son needs you. My son is a young adult now and calls me for advice. He needs me to be a strong man, but also teach them intimacy and that it is ok to cry. Teach them to be strong, but with a heart and to protect and be kind to the weak or shy or whatever.

 

Use this site to learn to communicate. Use it to get everything out, but to also learn it is ok to talk to her in a way that you may not have before. One thing I have learned and I walked around like I was Mr. Tough Guy, was I always wanted someone to love me unconditionally. Well, I also found that they can't, if I won't let them. See?

 

I am positive that you were not the only one to cause problems in the relationship. If you want, I will let you take 75% of the blame. I know I caused a lot, but not everything. You need to know this. There are probably things she could have done differently and wishes she had. You cannot control her though. You can only control you and how you see things and how you respond to them.

 

I have a very hard time searching for words to tell my ex how I feel, because I don't know if it would matter. I want it to, but again as I mentioned to Eileen, when do you know?

 

I think you need to give her time and see your son as much as you can. You also need to change what you know you need to. Let the rest, just happen.

 

If you feel like contacting her, just post here or write a letter you will never send and just keep it (I read that last idea here and think it is a good one). Oh, and you can PM me anytime you want (it may take a little time for me to answer, if I am at work).

 

God bless and good luck, brother.