Rebound Relationships...

[ramsickle1369]

I am very new to the rebound relationship. I've never had a rebound that I didn't marry the guy (my X hubby). So I don't know how to deal with flux of emotions and what I'm feeling or what I SHOULD be feeling/doing... I thought that it would be short lived and that eventually I'd be over it and move on. I seem to be wrong or something.

 

The guy that essentially made me "wake up" and realize I needed to divorce has become incredibly important to me. I feel like he shouldn't be. He's not right for me. There was incredible chemistry and things were fun. Then, one day, he says things are too complicated and he's got excuses galore!

 

I am having a terrible time letting go. It feels like he suddenly finds me repulsive... And he's as confusing as all heck! Last night as we're chatting in our usual "racy" fashion, and I asked if a BJ would be a good b-day present, to which he replies, "As long as it's not from you." OUCH!!! And seconds later I try to clarify saying, "So... you are no longer interested, is that right?" and he says, "Nope, you are not correct"... UGH! I am so confused. I thoght for sure that was it! That I was done. I can finally let go. And yet, I am still wishing to GOD that he would come after me...

 

WHY can't I just let go? WHY is it soooooo important to me? Is this normal? Are rebounds usually THIS intense and confusing? Is anyone willing to share their experiences?

[renaissancewoman101]

I think you are having a hard time letting go because, subconsciously, you want to avoid dealing with the pain and grief of your divorce/separation from your ex-husband.

[ramsickle1369]

I think you are having a hard time letting go because, subconsciously, you want to avoid dealing with the pain and grief of your divorce/separation from your ex-husband.

 

Thanks for responding so quickly. I would agree to an extent. However, the divorce was my decision and the pain, well it's about feeling physically neglected and this "rebound guy" is DEFINITELY hitting that nerve. So maybe I AM clinging to him, trying to get his attention to prove to myself that it wasn't me making my X not want me--when in reality, I was never really that attracted to my X to begin with? I have a long way to go before I am totally healed... Would you say I am hanging on to the rebound just to avoid feeling more pain? B/C the rebound is causing a TON of pain.

 

confused...

[renaissancewoman101]

I think you moved onto a new relationship too quickly and never properly grieved the ending of the old relationship, so in your subconscious, you are trying desperately to make this "new" relationship work out so you dont have to deal with the pain and anguish from the ending of the OLD relationship.

 

Even though you were the one who wanted the divorce, it probably was painful for you to leave a situation that you had been in for many years and you probably still love your ex, despite your divorce.

 

That is why a lot of relationship experts advise divorced people to wait at least a year after the divorce is finalized, before engaging in a new relationship, so that you can properly grieve through the ending of your old relationship.

[ramsickle1369]

I think you moved onto a new relationship too quickly and never properly grieved the ending of the old relationship. That is why a lot of relationship experts advise divorced people to wait at least a year after the divorce is finalized, before engaging in a new relationship, so that you can properly grieve through the ending of your old relationship.

 

That's absolutely right. I became infatuated with this guy the second I met him. We had incredible chemistry and flirtation. It was never intentional, and I couldn't resist it -- having been so lonely for so long. Once the divorce preceedings began, he was all into me. All along I knew it was wrong timing. But I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew it, I was head over heals. And now that he's backing off, it's like karma's revenge. So many people tried to tell me this, but I couldn't hear them. ](*,) I didn't want to. It felt too good to stop. So what do I do now? Stop it and focus on healing, right?

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, if I were you, I would stop this relationship and take time to focus on yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your marriage. Take time to learn to know yourself better, go out and do things on your own. Reconnect with old friends. Find new hobbies. Learn to be happy with yourself without having a guy in your life. Make get some counseling to help you move on.

 

But to be able to properly be ready for a new relationship, one must properly grieve and reflect on the end of the OLD relationship.

 

Good luck!

[ramsickle1369]

Yes, if I were you, I would stop this relationship and take time to focus on yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your marriage. Take time to learn to know yourself better, go out and do things on your own. Reconnect with old friends. Find new hobbies. Learn to be happy with yourself without having a guy in your life. Make get some counseling to help you move on.

 

But to be able to properly be ready for a new relationship, one must properly grieve and reflect on the end of the OLD relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks so much. You've really helped.

 

I've done all the reconnecting and the new stuff and that all feels great. I've found myself along the way and feel much better. But all along, I still had a guy in my mind. I need to end it, Plain and simple--even if it's just in my own heart. Not like there's anything to end at this point, but at least I can make a promise to myself to not continue it should the opportunity arise.

 

Thank you very much. I was never able to see it before.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, take time out for yourself to grieve the loss of your old relationship.

 

Take the time to rediscover yourself, try out new things, reconnect with old friends, etc. Learn about being friends with YOU.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

yeah, some guys only want you when it is clear they don't have ANY responsibilities to you, then than sex...

 

i had someone like this, who TOTALLY confused me because i was going thru a breakup and trying to understand what was important in my life....

 

if he tells you that he wants a BJ from ANYONE, SOMEONE, ANYONE will do, then what he wants is a hooker, and is using you and your vulnerability, need, hope, there is something in your life that is great, astounding, gives meaing, something you can count on...

 

make your decisions based on what is the right thing, someone you can count on, someone who doesn't lie, etc... you can find someone who is true, valuable, right etc. don't buy anything less, there are truly sociopaths out there who feed on someone else's love, light, truth, etc.

[ramsickle1369]

yeah, some guys only want you when it is clear they don't have ANY responsibilities to you, then than sex...

This was another issue... he's backed off lately claiming he's "busy" and we all know that's guy code for "back off".

i had someone like this, who TOTALLY confused me because i was going thru a breakup and trying to understand what was important in my life....

 

if he tells you that he wants a BJ from ANYONE, SOMEONE, ANYONE will do, then what he wants is a hooker, and is using you and your vulnerability, need, hope, there is something in your life that is great, astounding, gives meaing, something you can count on...

 

make your decisions based on what is the right thing, someone you can count on, someone who doesn't lie, etc... you can find someone who is true, valuable, right etc. don't buy anything less, there are truly sociopaths out there who feed on someone else's love, light, truth, etc.

 

I'm not exactly sure that's what he was up to... I do know he's not into hookers and doesn't get that kind of attention too often himself. But now I wonder if he sees me as a skank?

 

It took a TON of convincing on MY part to get him to bed. I was determined to make it happen, Regardless. We had many many racy talks and I absolutley loved them all. I initiated most of the contact because it felt good at the time. It fulilled a desire I hadn't felt in years and he was happy to oblige--whereas my X would NEVER talk to me like that. And now, as everyone around me said, I feel a little cheap for allowing myself to be seen that way. It was agreed early on that it was a "physical only" relationship. I was really OK with that--and still would have been had HE not backed off. I don't really regret my actions--I had a wonderful time and learned a lot... But it's definitely something I would not entertain again--not that way anyhow. So it wasn't "just sex" he was after... I guess somehow it was less???

 

Either way, I still drowned myself in the sea of passion and never really dealt with the impact of the divorce. I thought I had, but now I am realizing how I simply attached that need to someone else.

 

At least now, I can fully see what I need to do, and not sugar-coat it by telling myself, "if I can only show him how great I am doing, he'll start calling again". Now I can honestly say, I am really stopping this because it's the right thing for me to do for myself. I think (hope) I am strong enough to make it last....

 

Thanks everyone... I should have posted this question weeks ago when the thought first occurred to do so!

[ramsickle1369]

So I’ve been thinking about what would make my heart and mind OK with the break. I feel like I need to actually state to this guy that I am backing out of the arrangement. Letting him know that I need it to stop in order to fully nurse myself back to life. Like it’s closure somehow… Is this a bad idea?

[Caterina]

You are in so much pain its not funny. The rebound guy sounds dangerous. Here he is swooping in and saying rude things to you when you are at your weakest. He's aware of the fact that he's a rebound guy and he's not treating you right. He's a low point.

[ramsickle1369]

You are in so much pain its not funny. The rebound guy sounds dangerous. Here he is swooping in and saying rude things to you when you are at your weakest. He's aware of the fact that he's a rebound guy and he's not treating you right. He's a low point.

 

You think so? I guess I just get so caught up in the benefit of the doubt I don't look at how he KNEW what I was about to go thru. All along we had an amazing time going back and forth with fun comments. Suddenly, as he got busier and I became desperate, his attitude changed a bit. He was definitely being selfish--all about what he wants when he wants it. And I was always ready to go! Well, no more.

 

I did go ahead and send the final email last Thursday. He didn't read it till last night and that had a pretty big impact on me. He's contacted me and I've talked to him re: work stuff and last night he sent an IM finishing with "how bout that game"? I missed it.

[Caterina]

You're very anxious right now. I think you need to heal yourself and stay away from all the drama this man brings.

[ramsickle1369]

You're very anxious right now. I think you need to heal yourself and stay away from all the drama this man brings.

 

Very true! Anxious has been my middle name for the past year. As if a divorce wasn't enough, I had several family medical problems and one of my own. He was a shining star thru all that. Now that it's settling, he's starting crap up! GRRR! Guess it's a test from the dear Lord?

 

How do you learn to handle NOT being anxious when it's all you've known for a year? Before all this I was a more laid back person...

[Caterina]

Trust and have faith and hope that God will take care of you. Don't go to men to save you...stay away from them and seek purity and peace. Now, its going to be hard but through your trials and your suffering and loneliness know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and understand that this will also pass. Try to stop worrying and remedy that the best you can because your worrying will break you down.

[ramsickle1369]

Trust and have faith and hope that God will take care of you. Don't go to men to save you...stay away from them and seek purity and peace. Now, its going to be hard but through your trials and your suffering and loneliness know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and understand that this will also pass. Try to stop worrying and remedy that the best you can because your worrying will break you down.

 

Thanks Cat,

 

You are sooo right! Whenever I manage to STOP worrying about what "might have been" I am at true peace. If I can truly let go of the control I seek and let God send me what I need, well, I get exactly what I want. It's been a hard time this past year (divorce excluded!). I am only just stepping back out into the world and I think keeping my emotional distance from this guy is helping me truly heal.

 

Thanks

[moonflowers]

Besides all of the other great advice about letting go and taking some time off to find yourself again (which can be quite a long process!), I'd like to add that since we women begin emotionally bonding with a man as soon as we have sex with him, it's nearly impossible to maintain a long-term "purely physical" relationship. It's just the way our bodies are biologically.

 

Unfortunately, men don't have that problem. They can have sex with prostitutes and not feel a thing for them. So if a guy says he wants a purely "physical" relationship with you, he means it and he can stick to it if he doesn't fall in love. For us women, however, it won't be so easy since the biology is not on our side.

 

Realize now that this guy is not in it because he really cares for you as a person, just because you were a convenient sexual partner who didn't (seem to) demand any emotional investment on his part. The reason he's backing off now that your divorce is finalized is that now you are free to really start a relationship with him, and, sadly, that's the last thing he wants. It's a painful fact of life, but once you realize this point, you can begin to move on - first by finding yourself again, and healing from the pain on your own, and later, finding someone who wants a relationship with you and not just your body.

 

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery!

[ramsickle1369]

That’s the part that was so confusing. I started falling for him LONG before it got physical, and based on many things he said and did (before it was even a clear possibility) he was feeling it too. But, due to my emotional status I was the one that didn’t want to “commit”, I didn’t want to have anything substantial with him, I just didn’t want the physical to stop. When it did, well now it’s a whole new ballgame and that’s why I stepped out.

 

I know this sounds weird, but since my marriage was severely lacking the physical, that’s really all I was after. I knew I wasn’t ready for anything more… and to be honest, had he not gotten “busy” and the physical continued, I’d have eventually probably gotten out. I don’t know if it’s necessarily true that he is seeing my divorce as finalized (cuz it’s not) and he didn’t even approach the idea till I moved out last March. Maybe I’m blinded, but I just don’t think he’s that “guy”. Especially since HE was the one that backed out… I never asked for ANYTHING resembling a relationship. Just physical. Maybe I demanded it too much? LOL Oh well, only time will tell what happens. For now, I’m taking your advice and finding me!