How do you accept the loss of the "dream"..

[christy1002]

Ok....so he is NOT the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with....I do not miss the nightmare he had turned our life into...I am NOT falling for his lies that he has changed and giving him another chance....BUT...HOW do I get over the fact that I "wasted" all those years, believing a lie, getting my family and friends to believe in him, etc...just to have to "admit defeat" and accept that he can't and/or won't be the person that was that "dream"??? We met when I was 15, been together since I was 18 and I just turned 30...I desperately want to be able to "put him behind me", but want to do everything the healthy way...KWIM?

[Cindersam]

Yes I know what you mean. I too was married at a very young age. It lasted 11 years. It was difficult to realize that my life wasn't going to be what I thought but I can tell you now that it has turned our sooooo much better than I had ever thought. You can't dwell on the past.

 

I think I read on another post that you have a baby right? Then you really can't feel as though you "wasted" your time. Something very good did come out of your relationship even though it did not turn out as planned. I have two wonderful kids from mine that I wouldn't trade for anything. Had I not been with him I would not have them. So don't dwell on "wasted" time as you can't change the past but move forward and be thankful for what you did receive from the relationshiip (the baby) and learn from the mistakes made. Life relly does get better.

[Relationship Coach]

Christy sometimes there is a real value learning in life what we don't want! Time is an investment but if you've learned something, there's a payoff in it somewhere down the road. Your dream is still intact, just put another face on the man in your dreams. You're a good person, you'll find all that life has in store for you when you focus on the now, not the then.

 

RC

[christy1002]

Thanks, Cindersam....I like to hear that life is better than the "dream" we once thought we wanted! You're exactly right about the baby...the kids are worth it all. I told someone the other day, "I'd change everything and I'd change nothing."

 

Thanks, Coach....WOW! Well said! I've sure got the value of learning what I don't want. As far as the time invested, the baby was certainly a WONDERFUL payoff! I never looked at the dream that way...a different face.... I guess I just believed his lie for so long that no one will love the baby like him. I have to leave that behind and GO ON.....

 

This is a GREAT board! Thanks SO much!

[annie24]

Wise words RC! Christy - wow! I love your photo! you have a mega-watt smile and I can tell that you are full of optimism and confidence. I think you will find love again, I am sure that there's a long line of guys interested in taking you out. I agree with what RC said, your dream is still there, there will just be a different leading man though. I noticed that each relationship I have is better than the one before it, so I bet the next guy will be better than the relationship you just got out of.

 

(((HUGS)))

[christy1002]

Thanks, Annie...how sweet of you! I give it my best shot to be optimistic and confident as we all probably do, but coming out of the "nightmare" and accepting reality has made for some harder days than I like to have. If the next guy isn't better than the last, I'm heading for the "convent"...LOL Thanks again...the insight and support is wonderful and helps SO much!

[annie24]

one thing that may be helpful at this time is seeing a counselor and talking about your divorce. also, do you have friends and family you can lean on? I see you have a young son (from your other thread). make sure to make time for you too.

[christy1002]

Annie...thanks again....I have considered talking to a counselor, my aunt and uncle are psychologist and psychiatrist, they help me greatly, but they are of course biased and "hate" him for what he put us through. I found out who my TRUE friends were through this and they are WONDERFUL, my family is terrific and will do ANYTHING to help. My baby, I spend all day, everyday with him, he is a total joy. When friends or family take him to spend time with him, I take advantage of that time also, by relaxing and doing nothing, going shopping or going and get my hair or nails done. I try to remain as well rounded as possible and continue to remind myself that one day this will ALL be behind us....