How Can I let Go

[hera]

I had lost my husband in 2003 and last summer was ready to move on with my life. I joined an online dating site and met someone who helped me realize who I was , gave me so much . We talked for 7 weeks before we met, and became very close. Because of issues between us we can not be together. We still talk, and he wants me to move on and be happy, and even though I have met someone who only wants to make me happy , who is such a wonderful person I still can't let go of him. What is wrong with me. How do I stop having these deep feelings for him and move on? I don't know what to do, how to move on.

[luvursmile]

Did your husband pass away or did you get divorced?

[hera]

My husband passed away. We married young and I had virtually no other experience with others. I think it made me very vulnerable in how to handle other relationships.

[Ash]

Hera, there is nothing at all wrong with you. It's not at all uncommon to find somebody who you connect totally with, want to be with, but for some real reason just can't be with.

 

We tend to get the idea since we've found such a wonderful person that nobody else could possibly be as good so we don't want to move on. We tend to get stuck hoping and waiting something will happen to make it possible to be together. At some point, you'll hopefully come to the realization that you can meet somebody who is just as wonderful as your new friend, but you can actually be with them.

 

Also, we tend can have very deep feelings for somebody and not want to move and find somebody else because we don't want to hurt the former person. If we do meet a new person, even though the former person is urging is, we'll feel guilty. That guilt of what might happen is something we also have to let go of.

 

This new person you can't be with will always have a special place in your heart and soul. They will be securely in there for you to cherish always. But that doesn't preclude you from moving ahead and finding somebody else special that you can be with, and you will have plenty of space for them too.

 

Don't think of it so much as leaving someone behind as adding to your list of close friends and finding something new and wonderful in your future.

[luvursmile]

Well, given the fact that you lost your husband (I'm very sorry to hear that, by the way), I think its normal to feel this way. I'm sure you loved your husband very much (and still do) and its hard to let that go. Give yourself some time, maybe you're just not ready to let someone else in.

Maybe in a way, you feel like you are "cheating" on him.

I'm sure he would want you to be happy & move on with your life, but it has to be when you are ready.

[hera]

You are so right Ash. He will always be in my heart, and reading your words brought tears to my eyes. He is not perfect by far, and there is night and day difference between him and the new guy who so wants to be a part of my life. Am I being fair to the new guy , I feel so guilty for still having so many feelings for the other.

[luvursmile]

You should not feel guilty for having feelings for your husband. He was a big part of you.

Maybe you should give the guy a chance, he seems sincere. But only if you're ready.

[amtjrtcet]

You are so right Ash. He will always be in my heart, and reading your words brought tears to my eyes. He is not perfect by far, and there is night and day difference between him and the new guy who so wants to be a part of my life. Am I being fair to the new guy , I feel so guilty for still having so many feelings for the other.

 

Hera, are you talking about your late husband or the guy you met online and talked to for 7 wks?

[coollady1957]

Hera, I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. I too lost my husband in 2003. So I know first of all how it feels to try and move on after such a loss.

 

I am a bit confused though. Are you trying to get over your husband, to be able to move on with this new guy? OR are you trying to get over the first new guy that you cant really be with for some reason and move on with this second new guy? Your original post was a little vague, so it left a question about exactly who you are trying to get over.

 

It is sounding as though you have gone through your grief process after your husbands death and came to the conclusion you were ready to move on . Then found a new guy... but one that you cant actually be with, but still have feelings for. Somewhere in the process you have met a second new guy, but you cant move on with him due to your feelings for the first new man. Is this correct?