what is this pain?

[AmIAlone1607307516]

Ok, we dated for 9 months, I grew very close to her and started to feel this was the one. We went on vacation, separately, for a week each. While I was gone she left me messages that she doesn't know how she's going to get through this week without me. Right after that her long time ex-boyfriend came in and proposed to her. She accepted. She shoots me an email that she can no longer see me. Now this was obviously a slap in the face for me. It took it ver hard. I tried reasoning with her many times that we should be together but now she's taking the apprach of "I'm done even speaking with you". I am so hurt and in pain you wouldn't believe. This was 3 months ago and I can't take it off my mind.

Is it that I love her that much, or could it be that I am so hurt from the humiliation and betrayal that I feel unsettled?

I mean she obviously did me very wrong, and so I should clearly move on. But I feel ripped apart at the thought of not having her there in my life. Is it my ego that's hurt? Or was I in love?

[wishiknew]

Looking back, we always think it was love. Everything seemed better than it was, almost perfect. When in reality things are never that rosy.

Seeing as how its been 3 months and she's accepted a proposal I suggest you take the same approach she's taking towards you. Speaking to her now isn't going to change things, you can't change how someone feels, can't make them love you.

Unlike in the movies where you may have a speech or letter all planned out and afterwards they just melt and come back to you. Plain and simple, that just never happens. What you need to do is move on with your life. I know it seems dark and lonely now. But I can tell you that it does get better, I was dating a girl for 5 years and things were getting really serious. I started looking for a ring, we were talking about buying a house. Then one day she decided she dids't want to be with me anymore. I thought that she was the one, the only one and I would never love again. And it did feel that way for a long time, that was 5 years ago. And when I was least expecting or wanting it, someone incredible came into my life and she showed me that I could love again.

Hang in there, there was a life without her prior, so you know there will be a life without her in the future.

[Parsley]

I don't understand why she said "I'm done even speaking with you" like you've done something wrong, when it's clearly her.

 

I have a mini theory kind of thing, that I'm sort of researching with myself at the moment. My ex hurt me so very much, but I did love him. But after he hurt me like that...how can I love him? To love someone you have to respect and trust them, and I don't feel either of those things towards him. Doesn't man it doesn't hurt like a....ahem.

 

I think you did love her, and it is always going to hurt when someone you love does something as cold hearted as she has done to you. I'm also fairly certain that humiliation and betrayal comes into it. I'm sure you will have talked to your friends about how happy she made you? And now you have to tell them that you were wrong.

 

I can't give any advice on how to move on...I'm desperately searching for the same answers right now! Maybe just try to accept in yourself that seeing what she did...you are clearly better off without her.

[bigheart09]

I dont understand if she was with you for 9 months how did she except a proposal from her ex? If that is the type of person she is, then you are better off.

You dont need to be with someone who can so easily throw your love and relationship away like that.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

Thanks for your advice. For the first 2 months I kept writing to her about how I missed her so much. For the past month I kept to myself and even had a few days that I felt strong like I wanted to see someone else. But for some reason this past friday she came back to my mind in full force and I felt sad again. I would up sending her another email Saturday, only this one was an angry one. I finally told her how horrible she behaved toward me and how I felt about her cowardly email breakup and having no compasion for anyone. I think I did that just to at least let her know I am angry and maybe now I can think to myself that I let her have it and move on. But, I am having a bad day, she's on my mind. I have never dealt with a relationship this way. I have dated people that didn't work out and I have moved on. Why is this one hurting me so? That's why I feel that maybe it's pride. because I think that above all else she made me feel foolish and not worthy. BTW, I can't get myself to remove her email adrress or her pictures from my computer. Should I? what if I want to look at them later?

[honeyspur]

Is it that I love her that much, or could it be that I am so hurt from the humiliation and betrayal that I feel unsettled?

 

Could it be both?

I mean both happened, right?

 

My sympathies are with you. This has happened many, many times with people and I suggest spending some time here finding others in your position by reading posts.

Superdave is having a No Contact challenge - - it's purpose to get you to the feeling of wellness and contentment again.

 

Writing in a journal - - is an integral part of therapy and it is suggested you write in it every day to release thoughts of misery and frustration.

 

Realize that you are technically breaking a habit by letting go of her in your heart and mind and that takes almost as long as the relationship lasted, as studies have proven.

Start creating new habits. Go from the ground up and take this time to do things you may have been putting off or were unable to do when you thought your life was with her. Your life is just starting again - embrace it and care for it, as you would like to be cared for. As you give yourself care - the need to get it from her will fade.

 

You are experiencing a lot of biological things as well. The emotion section of the brain is located near the spine - meaning your reason and intellect are farther away from "the switchboard" of your body.

This is a survival tool and cannot be changed. BUT - as evolved beings, our reason does kick in and starts a "battle" with the emotions.

We are where we are today as human beings because of our reason. Allow the reason (it's been three months - you know it's time to move on) to shine through and realize your emotions are automatic.

 

Just like switching a car from auto to manual - it's time to take over the controls.

[run_little_rabbit]

It's possible that you're feeling both humiliated and grieving for the lost love. You can multitask, right? =)

I know if I were in your situation, it would take a lot longer than 3 months to come to terms with it, so hang in there. It'll pass.

 

But if her engagement falls through and she comes crawling back to you, don't fall for it. Your relationship would never be the same, and what would stop her from doing it to you again?

[Parsley]

Was she the first person you loved? Or still felt love for when you broke up? The way you say you've dated people, it hasn't worked out, and you've moved on, makes me think that none of them meant as much to you as this one did. And it's going to hurt more if that is the case! I know this for a fact, having experienced both kinds of break up within a year.

 

I'd say remove the pictures. Though you're getting stronger, there will still be days like this when looking at pictures will seem like the best idea, but they'll just hurt. If you don't intend to stay friends, remove her email address too. Will you need it again now that you've sent her the email that really lays into her? No. You've had your vent at her, now it's time to forget everything except what you've learnt from this.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

yes I had spoken to my friends and family. I had advertised that she "might be the one". Now I feel foolish. I have to lie and say that things weren't working out. She said she doesn't want to talk to me anymore because, for some reason, she thought that we could from now on have strictly "friend" type conversations. When I kept bringing up how hurt I was, she took that opportunity to remove me from her life completely. She is either running away from her feelings so that she won't have to think of me, or the coldest persom ever created. (BTW, he has lots of money, many houses, his own business, etc..) Was money an incentive?? I'm not por, but as finacially as well off. She marrying for material. I mean, maybe she never loved me, but it's not like she gave it a chance either. I wish i could show her that I don't need her either. But at this point she has seen my week side in my pleading for her to come back to me.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

She's not the first person I loved, no. But... I've never brought myself to this level where I am crying and feeling like I need help. 3 months and I still don't feel like I am back on my own 2 feet. It's frustrating.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

How do you get passed knowing that your phone hasn't rung and even so you've check it 20 times. That your email is empty. That you didn't spend a second apart and now there is no one there. That's where I get wrapped up in my feelings and I either email her or spend my day feeling upset.

[Parsley]

That's what I'm trying to come to terms with too. I know that when I go to bed the reason I leave my phone on isn't in case one of my friends needs me - it's because I'm hoping that he'll go out and get drunk and ring me or text me, just like he used to. I know that the reason I spend all day with my laptop on in the background isn't in case someone replies to a problem I've posted on here - it's because I'm hoping to hear the little ding that lets me know he's emailed me cause he was the only one to use that particular account. It's just something you have to deal with as time goes by. I don't know what can make it easier except knowing that you're not alone in dealing with this. It helps me.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

That's what I'm trying to come to terms with too. I know that when I go to bed the reason I leave my phone on isn't in case one of my friends needs me - it's because I'm hoping that he'll go out and get drunk and ring me or text me, just like he used to. I know that the reason I spend all day with my laptop on in the background isn't in case someone replies to a problem I've posted on here - it's because I'm hoping to hear the little ding that lets me know he's emailed me cause he was the only one to use that particular account. It's just something you have to deal with as time goes by. I don't know what can make it easier except knowing that you're not alone in dealing with this. It helps me.

 

Actually you writing this helps me, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I spend my day jumping when my email dings or phone rings but it's never her. The hardest part is that so many things in my life have an association with her, music, tv, that it's hard to go through my normal routines. It's that empty feeling that I have to somehow refill. With what I don't know. Yes deep inside I hope she comes back one day. Although I know that after this maybe I should look elsewhere.

[leewils]

It hurts so much i know, through the break up from my ex but she dsnt want me so i will look for sum1 down the line when im less hurt but for now u need to focus on why u's are not together.

 

U will be upset because ul feel it was a lie on her part if she can just leave u and u feel u want her forever. Dont get in touch anymore unless its a last msg of sum sort tellin her how u feel but with an added bit of closure like this 1 i sent :

 

Fine u can ignore the msg,i dont want a reply to this but i want u to no that i think the reason for u to give it another shot was bull and selfish(worried about me bein with some1 else) it was unfair and u shld of left it the way it was if u were unsure but now at least i def no thats it and i can move on properly without wondering what if. U can be mad but remember how i felt when i was getting the calls+txts so have ur closure and il have mine.

 

Try and get out if ur not that helps, few beers with mates and when ur ready ul start to think about a date and then more, time does heal but what uve done during it, doin during it and think about during it help as well.

 

email removed mate if u need a chat then feel free, loads of people on this to help you and your def not alone with the pain your feelin. I feel it too.

 

Take it easy

[leewils]

P.S. that is crap when u think its her when u get a msg or call but if its ment to be it will be and by the way, they split for a reason as well so they cld do it again and ul be with the PROPER one who never wants to leave you and u never want to leave her as well. ;-)

[AmIAlone1607307516]

yea, I did send her my angry email saturday, almost similar to yours.

The mates are getting tired of gloomy me I think. They haven't said much. I have to try and get over this and have fun again. Not sure if another woman would refuel my confidence and believe in myself again? I think that's the worst part, is that I was left feeling that I am not worthy.

[leewils]

yeah my friends are the same, u go out but there like cheer up but its not that easy!!

 

How are you feeling just now after your e mail? It really is the worst feeling in the world(more so when all u want to do is move on so u dnt feel the pain anymore) but does just take time.

 

U will get through it jst remember there's others out there on the same boat.

 

P.S. do u keep a busy day?

[AmIAlone1607307516]

yeah my friends are the same, u go out but there like cheer up but its not that easy!!

 

How are you feeling just now after your e mail? It really is the worst feeling in the world(more so when all u want to do is move on so u dnt feel the pain anymore) but does just take time.

 

U will get through it jst remember there's others out there on the same boat.

 

P.S. do u keep a busy day?

 

I felt good writing the email, but since I don't get responces I don't know if she deletes without reading to avoid what I have to say.

 

I do keep a busy day, but unfortunately on a computer. I am in front of a computer, chat program, and phone all day. The temptations and reminders are there all day. We used to chaat or email all day as if it was tough to be apart for the day. Now they are just reminders.

[Pisces_Princess]

It's horrible, I know...

 

My partner of 2 years broke up with me 3 months ago. We lived together in his place for 1 year, so not only did I lose my partner but I lost my home too!

 

The first two months I thought I was literally going out of my mind and was like a crazy person. I cried ALL the time, couldn't eat (I lost 21lbs in weight), sleep or concentrate on anything. My mind was obssessed and I lived and breathed him...

 

As time moves on things are getting slightly better. I can socialise and I can work and switch off from things. I do still have a weep everyday but not as extreme as it was.

 

When we first broke up he said he needed space etc etc. We still talk and he wants friendship with the hope of something happening in the future. I would have agreed to ANYTHING in the beginning, but now I am finally starting to think why would I want you as a friend? My friends are good and honest and loyal something you are not able to be either with me or yourself.

 

Believe me when he left me I even considered suicide and I am 34 years old so had lots of relationships and have been left before...honestly if I can start to get better you can too. It feels impossible and you will have bumps in the road but together we can pull through x

[leewils]

Yeah cos she was mad i thought she might of just deleted my text but then b4 the txt she answered my call so i no she prob did read the msg.

 

It is hard with all the reminders but try to jst focus on other things, its so so hard but u start to get used to it a it becomes more normal and again in time u look back and think am so glad am not in the position a was in when all the little things hurt.

[leewils]

P.S. Pisces is right we are all goin through the same thing and we all can pull through it together.

[AmIAlone1607307516]

It's true. Support is a big help. Just hearing you guys say something positive keeps my spirits up a little. Wish we could all find new companions/others and really rub it in to the ex's.

Just a dream right now, but it will happen.

[leewils]

Why is this so hard though? Iam sitting here with all these emotions misseing her and upset but they come and go and last longer i cant even see me getting better and over it just now.

 

What is this?

[leewils]

i think i no why i feel like i do then i dont no again but at the end i still have the miss her feelings and want her back feelings.

 

Help!!

[AmIAlone1607307516]

Worse, I sit here at work and feel tears coming on. have to take quick walks so no one sees me. I guess it's the companionship. It struck me last night. i went to dinner with a few poeple and it bothered me that she wasn't there. sort of like I should leave a seat empty for her. I wasn't a couple, just me. so if we find something to fill that void, we'll start to let it go.