Friends?

[wishiknew]

Hi All,

I was just curious as to how many of you out there are friends with an ex, and how long it took to achieve it?

I'm 3 weeks out from being dumped and thought about doing the NC thing, but the ex and I have too much in common and we are such great friends that not seeing each other/doing anything on a semi regular basis seems strange.

Yes, its hard on me because I do still want to be with her, and part of me does hope that by being around each other we might be able to rekindle the flame that once burned. Is this foolish of me to think so?

[redding500]

If you're staying friends with her under the pretense of "friendship" when you really want a romantic relationship, then you're in for a world of hurt. It might be possible for you to be friends with your ex, but only if you two are on the same page. Sounds like you're not really looking for a friendship with her.

[justpaisley]

No, it's not foolish at all. I think it might be really hard on you though, especially if you were the dumpee. If you stay friends with her while still wanting a relationship with her, and she doesn't reciprocate your feelings eventually, it's just going to continue to hurt you.

 

My ex and I are still friends, despite a really difficult but mutual breakup. Since we knew our paths in life were going to go different directions, any feelings we retained during our transition from relationship to friendship eventually dissolved. It can happen, but I think both parties have to realize the relationship is simply over.

 

NC might be the better idea, at least until you know your feelings for her have subsided. If she misses you, she'll call. That's how I hooked my husband - I crushed on him HARD for a few years without any return of feelings, but then when he had to spend a week without contacting me, he realized he missed me and we started dating, and now we've been married for 6 years.

[Firedancer03]

I dont think that its possible to rekindle the flame by being friends and being around each other, at least not right after a breakup. It sounds like it could work, but think about it. Your ex has already made the decision that they do not want to be with you anymore. They have already decided that this is what they want, so it is not possible to "convince" them to change their minds.

 

Secondly, the breakup is probably hard on your ex too, so they get great comfort knowing that you are hanging around still being their "friend", so they dont have to see what life is like without you. thereforeeee they know that you are always going to be there for them whenever they want so they wont have to "rise to the occasion" to make an effort to be with you romantically. So your ex gets to have the security of you always being around until they heal and meet someone else.

 

Also, eventually one or both of you will probably grow resentful of the situation that you are currently in. If you are expecting more to come of this "friendship", then you will grow resentful of your ex not being able (or wanting) to give you more. And if your ex meets someone else, they will grow resentful of you still hanging around.

 

If there is a chance of reconcilliation, I think the best way of that happening is for both people to heal and get over the breakup and move on. If you both decide that after a period of time away from each other (read: months, maybe even a year or more of no contact) you want to be friends again, then it may be possible for that old flame to be rekindled again. (if both of you are still availiable, that is) After all, after so long apart you both will have grown and changed. If you both feel that you have grown in the same direction and want to be together again, then its possible. This is the only situation I would think could work where friendship would lead to a reconcilliation. But you are only 3 weeks out of the breakup. Not to dash your hopes, but being friends with her right now will not get her back.

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the bad news bud.

 

 

 

Well written and so true. Nice work.

 

Move on completely and do not contact or interact with them. Move on means exactly how it's written - forget about them and focus on yourself and you're life. Then, one day you might bump into each other. Read:

 

 

 

But do not hope or count on that. It's happened to me a couple of times with girls I dated back in high school, but it happened because

 

A) We moved on with our lives whichever way life took us. Pursued school, work, new friendships, dated others, etc.

B) Reconnected at a party one day, or at a friends house, or in a random location (department store).

C) Decided to catch up and it so happened we were both single at the time. This "rekindling" is really the start of a new relationship. The old one does not exist. I do think that because there was history already there it seems to not go away if after so long you still are attracted to one another and are single.

[wishiknew]

So its a bad idea to try and put my feelings for her aside because I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all? Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that, or maybe she's selfish for wanting to keep me around as a friend. I don't know, it's been a rough couple of weeks but I thought I was starting to see a light and things were getting better because I've finally accepted everything. Or at least I thought I had.

[redding500]

I don't know, it's been a rough couple of weeks but I thought I was starting to see a light and things were getting better because I've finally accepted everything. Or at least I thought I had.

 

 

But I ask you, did this "light" have to do with really accepting things or was it because you felt this was the best path toward reconciliation? Be honest with yourself.

[wishiknew]

in all honesty, i would have to go with the latter. we had some good days together where things seemed almost normal again.

I don't know with this emotional roller coaster that i've been on, sometimes it feels like I am ready to let go and then there are times when it all comes crashing down on me again

[JIzzyM]

wishiknew...how often do you two hang out? How long were you together?

 

Do you feel like there is an possiblity of a reconciliation?

 

Maybe you should just distance yourself for a little. I did that with my ex after we broke up. I went out with friends and hung out doing things I liked and he wound up always calling and coming to me. I had fun and learned that I didn't always need him around to have fun. I could do things more on my own and was independent. It also seemed to have an affect on him.

 

You have to have paitence. I know it's incredibly hard but you much force yourself to not talk about the relationship and not let it get you down. When you do talk to her, just keep it light and fun. You seem to be doing that now with the snowboarding trips and stuff. Don't let the "not a couple" comments get you down too much. I heard them too and yes, it sucks, it's also the truth. Try not to take things so personally and affect your day. Keep your spirits up and have fun! I bet she will notice a change in you too. Good luck and keep us posted!!

[JIzzyM]

wishiknew...keep us updated and let us know how it's going! I want to hear more from you on here. We can compare stories and try to figure these crazy ex creatures out!

[wishiknew]

JIzzyM,

Ok, so this is how things have been. I feel like I've been making progress, not quite to the stage where you're at yet though.

 

She's been calling me more frequently which is nice. Like nights when she gets off work she'll call me just to talk or maybe if she wants to do something. Its nice just to have that back because things haven't been that way since long before we broke up.

 

We went skating one night after she got off work (sunday) and after she got cold we went back to her place just to hang out. Well it ened up me sitting on one side of the room and her on the other because well I didn't want to push things or cross any boundaries. But then she says to me "come over here and warm up my feet" So I accepted the invitation and she lain on the couch with her legs draped accross my lap. Then she was talking about her sore knee and asked me to massage that after her feet were better.

 

She fell asleep watching tv with me on the couch. Was in and out of consciousness and i asked if she wanted to go to bed and if i should leave. The answer was always later, so I took it as a good sign that she wanted me there. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for something to read into and just take everything at face value.

 

So it's good that we have that physical closeness again and I think that we are slowly developing the bond that we once had. Much like you thought I just wish she would up and say what she wants out of this. But I know that she needs the time to think things through and i said that I would be there for her, so I am. I think about it and I take it as a good sign, i mean its not like you or anybody would be comfortable with just a friend being so close right?

 

Other days it seems like I have a lot more of an uphill battle, like we'll be talking in the middle of a conversation and something comes up, she has to go and says she'll call me back. That call on somedays just never comes, and i know i shouldn't wait around for it, but sometimes i still do.

 

We've talked and we want a completely open relationship, something we never had in the past because i was very closed off emotionally. I just have to draw the line at what i'm feeling because she says she might not feel the same way right now.

 

so that in a nutshell is where i am. We're still going away next week for my birthday trip that we had been planning. In a way I'm hoping that some good comes out of it, but I don't really expect anything to anymore.

[Suzy-TO]

I think it depends on why you broke up in the first place. My last break up with a guy I was with for 9 years was because he did not want to get married, and I wanted more. There was no bad guy in this picture. He was a wonderful person. We stayed friends, after all I still do care.

Another person I dated, was AWFUL, he was a number thats for sure, messed me up for a long time. I do not care to talk to him, see him. I am so glad hes out of my life.

Yes, you can become friends, however ask yourself just how much you really want to hear about his life. What if he meets someone? Can you listen to all that and not feel hurt? If you answer yes, then you are ready to be "just friends" if it would bother you then you are not ready, and perhaps never will be.

[pinkelephant]

I'm now just friends with my recent ex. He was a major ahole and I hated him, but I also realized I care a lot about him and I was also the bad guy in this break up. Basically, for us, the break up was caused by both parties. We both were aholes.

 

I apologized. and FINALLY yesterday, he apologized. The way he did it was somewhat irritating. but at least he finally admitted that he was wrong. (he has a huge ego and never admits when hes wrong). We're friends, but only talk on messenger. I ignore him when I see him in real life as I'm still angry at him.

 

I think in time, i'll just forget about the whole thing and can be friends with him again. but good friends as we once were, probably not unless he gives me a real apology for what he's done - but that'll probably never happen.

[JIzzyM]

wishiknew...

 

We've talked and we want a completely open relationship, something we never had in the past because i was very closed off emotionally. I just have to draw the line at what i'm feeling because she says she might not feel the same way right now.

 

What's an open relationship mean to you guys? Like seeing other people too or more communication and talking about emtions and stuff? Just a little confused here on what this means.

 

You guys do seem to be doing good though! The hanging out, talking, little bits of touching/cuddling...all good things! This is how my ex and I started out.

 

I still wait around for my ex's calls sometimes too but not all of the time. I know about the times he should be calling and usually he does and sometimes not on time or something, but I know how you feel! Try to just focus on something else at those times and then it always seems like they call then when you're not thinking about them.

 

I think your bday trip together will be fun and a good stepping stone for you guys. Just don't talk about the relationship too much and try to make it as fun and easy going as possible.

 

I think things are going well for you two, slow, but good. It should be taken slow though so just give her that time. I know how it feels and if you think she is worth the time and waiting then do it! Only do it until you feel you can't or don't want to anymore. It's all up to you on how long you give her and everything. It's not all about her bc your important too and don't forget that! You have a role in this too and are your #1 priority now so don't forget about yourself.

 

Good luck and keep us updated! We have a pretty similar situation, just at different points right now. Stay positive!

[wishiknew]

open relationship just means more communication and talking about feelings. Something i hadn't really done the entire time we were together.

Nothing to update at this time, but i'll keep you posted.