To contact or not

[NotReady]

Hi all. I just stumbled upon this site and I am so glad to have found it. I have a friend who recently lost his spouse. It was long and drawn out terminal illness and I have become his confidante from the beginning. We became close and developed feelings for each other and it was sort of a mutual understanding that we will eventually end up together when nature has taken its course in his wife's illness.

 

Now I find that he is detaching from me and he did say he was not ready for a relationship but would like to keep the friendship. However, after the holidays, he just stopped corresponding altogether. It hurts to be kept hanging like this and I know he needs more time but I wonder if my not contacting him would seem like I am indifferent to his pain and thinking more of my self presevation or would it be the best thing to do? I would appreciate advice from others who have been bereaved.

[blender]

The best thing to do for YOU and for HIM is going to be the most difficult and that is for you to NOT initiate any contact at all...

 

he knows where you are, how to contact you, and he's grieving, it's normal, even though you and he had "plans".. there is a saying, "that if you want to make god laugh, make plans".

 

For right now, if this is really about "love" then the best thing for you to do is to lovingly let go... it won't be easy, but it's the right thing to do.. he's lost a part of his past in his spouse, he is mourning, and he's also in a reflective time and for men this is a time when they usually retreat, and need to be on thier own.. respect this.

 

He will eventually contact you, and then you can see by his actions and words, what his intentions may be.. but for now I think it's actually a good thing that he is retreating and taking time, if you overlapped this with YOU all too soon after his wives death.. well it would NOT be a solid emotionally healthy and sound foundation to build a future on.. give it time, lay low, take care of you, and put him in god's hands, and let him come to you in his own timing.. in the meantime get busy with your own life..that's a very important and 'ATTRACTIVE' thing to do... trust this..

 

Let us know how you're doing, there are wonderful people on this site.. vent your feelings here, ask questions..

[NotReady]

Thank you so much for your advice. I've talked to people and they said the same thing to me but I am just in denial I guess. A week has never gone by when we haven't corresponded even by email but he seems to have slowly detached specially right before christmas and now totally gone after the new year. I will do as you have said and let things evolve and see if we're really meant to be.

[n83]

This may sound harsh, but maybe you should be more concerned about the fact that the man just lost his wife than about the fact that he didn't run to you right after.

[NotReady]

I understand and I do feel selfish sometimes to think about myself at this time BUT I AM concerned about his loss. I guess I just feel helpless about not being able to help in his grief where I used to be able to reach out to him before. I even want to apologize for almost overlapping things with me if that is why he has withdrawn but I don't know how it would go.

[blender]

The most loving and helpful thing for you to do, is to respect his needing time.. especially if you have hopes of a future with him, then you just need to let go of the "right now" of it.... just for right now do NOT initiate any contact, really, right now he just needs to retreat, that is "normal and healthy" do NOT take it personally.. respect it, someone died.. and it's okay for you to have your own selfish needs, that's okay, it's whether you act on them or not right now that defines YOUR character... so I know it may hurt, and you are concerned for him, so respect him, let go, respect yourself, and get busy with your own life right now... he'll come around...

 

And do NOT apologize for the 'overlapping" so far, it's done, he was responsible for it too.. and you do not want to paint it all in one stroke as a "mistake in judgement" not right now.. who knows what will happen and I don't think you want to re-act to your feelings in this moment and put a "mistake label" on the time you have already spent together..let it be...the most powerful thing to do right now is NOTHING... breathe, let fate step in, it's going to anyway..

[chocolady]

I am a widow, and I have to tell you that EVERYTHING changes when the person you love dies. Everyone and everything becomes insignificant because grief overwhelms you so much that there is NOTHING else but grief.The only thing he can think about is loss, sadness and pain and HER and it will take a very, very long time to recover from.

 

How long do we grieve before we look for someone new? Some look around 6 months, which in my opinion is far too soon. Some never look again deciding that nobody can ever take their place. But one thing is for sure, we never EVER stop loving them and we never ever forget. They will always have a huge part of your heart, and nobody will ever replace them.

 

Although you have been there for him, and some time in the future he will remember this, right now he is going through something that he can only do alone. Leave him be. He needs his space and he needs his family.

 

Will he come back for you in time? That must be one of the main questions going through your mind, and I have to say that he must be feeling somewhat guilty as your 'closeness' before her death so the further and more emotionally distant you can be right now is the best thing for you both. By all means offer your support but don't expect anything in return, he hasn't got anything he can return right now. He is in mourning.

 

And from this guilt at closeness, there is no guarantee that he will ever come for you, despite you being there for him as a friend or however long you wait for him because through this experience he will change and become a new person, no longer part of another and will have to start anew, but I will tell you that you are possibly looking at years, rather than weeks, months before he can committ to even thinking about a relationship of any kind wih you, and rightly so.

 

It seems so unfair I know, but death really does change everything.

[NotReady]

Thank you so much for both your posts. Now I can move on. Thank you chocolady for your perspective because I always felt nothing I did or say made any difference for him after his loss and I felt inadequate. But now knowing what you went through, I can stop the guilt. It is very painful to move on but I know that he will be a different person after he is done with his grieving. I will be a different person too by then so this is more or less the closure I need.

 

Again, I'm glad I found this site.

[NotReady]

Update on the situation. I just received an email recently from my friend saying he's seeing someone which is why he has not been in contact with me but he still wants to keep the friendship. I am hurt by how quickly he turned to another woman (3 months after being widowed) but I don't know if I should respond to him just to show it doesn't affect me anymore and save my pride. Also I refused to be intimate with him right after he was widowed just because I felt used so I don't know if that has anything to do with him turning to someone else. Deep inside I don't want to be in contact anymore but that would only show him I was hurt by what he did.

 

What should I do.

[chocolady]

Then you have to do what you feel deep down is right for you.

 

In my opinion, and speaking from experience...this man is seriously messed up right now and this woman is being used to soften the blow of grief and to forget the pain. There is no way on this earth that after 3 short months he has moved on from his late wife, no way on earth. Just be glad it's not you.

 

BTW, you have a right to be hurt.

[NotReady]

Thank you so much chocolady. You don't know how much your advice helped me in all this. I have been in agony the last few days but I have not responded so far. I don't think I can be friends with him right now so I think I will just let it go and let fate step in.

[Cutey]

I wouldn't want to be in this other woman's situation with your friend. Like chocolady said, he is still messed up. Keep an NC with him for awhile but don't hold your breath that there is a future for the two of you together.

[NotReady]

Another update on my situation. He finally contacted me to explain he did not want to let things end in a bad way and again reiterated he wants to my friendship. However, it makes me question the timing because after 4 months of not being in contact and letting me go just like that by email, he feels guilt all of a sudden? I suspect it didn't work out for this other woman he started dating so quickly and now he wants emotional support. He did say he is depressed and still grieving so now I feel sorry for him.

 

Should I be a friend and offer him comfort? I feel like I'm being used because he couldn't even lift the phone to ask about me when he started dating this other woman and now he wants to know how I'm doing?

[blender]

No, it's not sincere for you to be a "friend" right now, because it would be hurting you, you would be wanting "more" and that would lead to some resentment..and right now you are grieving as well.. he's just lost his wife, he jumped into a new relationship after you, now he's in need of alleviating his guilt, and also wants some emotional support, so his "intentions" are not about YOU.. they are about HIM.

 

He's a grown man, he's suffered a loss, he's always known how to comfort himself, even as his wife was still alive he chose to find comfort from you, and then with a new woman after you.. this is HIS pattern, and it's not a healthy choice for you to be playing any part in it right now.

 

If you want to respond to his emails, then maybe you can just send something clear, honest, mature and responsible, along the lines of:

 

"Right now you seem to have many things you have to deal with and heal from.. we've learned through experience that it's too soon for either of us to consider being close in a healthy fulfilling way at this time, especailly considering all that has taken place. I would like to respect the reality of all that has happened, your wife of many years has passed, and you need some time to greive that loss, and to work through all that. So as far as being "friends", I'm sure you can understand and respect that that after all the intamcy we've shared, being just "buddies' right now doesn't feel very sincere or even a healthy choice at this time, but it might be realistic at some point. If in time you discover that you want to make an intentional effort towards us as a couple, then you may contact me. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers."

 

See, saying something like this, not only is respectful of all he is going through but it also makes YOU pro-active about your own life, you are setting some standards, boundaries and self respect, and also knowing how to love and cherish your own heart first.. this is important if you are ever to build a strong foundation of love with him or anyone whom you love.

 

Thinking in terms of "he left me because I wasn't itimate with him after his wife died, so he turned to someone else...well that's just unhealthy stinkin' thinking... and it not's based on love.. that is more about ego, fear, the circumstance, and some of his own issues. The timing wasn't right to be involved no matter who he was involved with.. so do not take his choices personally, they are more about his "life circumstance" at the time.

 

Because when love is authentic and ready to be nurtured, there would be understanding, respect, and communication from BOTH people involved..and right now this all seems to be about what is best for HIM...

 

You are responsible to take care of yourself first emotionally, and right now you are still too vulnerable to be making sure HE"S okay, and taken care of.. trust me, he's fine, he'll get through this, and he should do so without the shoulder of an emotionally vulnerable woman to cry on... he needs some time to grieve his loss, work through his fear of being on his own.. and THEN he might be ready to make an intentional sincere respectful effort to have a woman in his life.. because he wants to "share" happiness with her, and not "attain" it from her.. that never works....

 

so let him be on his own for a bit, and if you're not ready to respond at all, then that's okay too... just take care of yourself, and separate the "feelings" from the "facts".. you "feel" like you want to be with him even as a friend, but the FACT is he's not ready to give you more than that, and you are not ready to have less... so keep up no contact if that feels right.

 

Or reply with something along the lines of the above response, be clear, honest and set a standard for HOW AND WHY he could have the honor of your presense in his life...

 

It's time for him to respect what he shared with his wife, to take time to grieve, and heal, and rely on his family and his buddies, and his children, and get himself to a better emotinal state BEFORE he reaches out for a life preserver of a woman, only to push it aside once he feels stronger, or not interested...

 

Remember you have been there for him, you gave your heart, your support.. and he didn't make a choice to respect it and cherish it. Most likely because he's in emotional turmoil and has guilt, sadness, regret, etc.. that his part to work through.. you dont' want to associate yourself with all that right now.. that's his emotional journey to go on.

 

But he will have the opportunity to rise the occasion where you are concerned at some point IF you set a respecting standard and learn to cherish your own heart.

 

If he does respond in a classy non-needy intentionally loving way at some point, wonderful. If not, then you have spared yourself a whole lot of effort to be his cushion when you yourself could use one.

 

After all you've been through, take care of you.. and trust that he can take care of himself.. you've been hurting too.. and he's not been there to comfort you...he was busy with another "emotional cushion/woman".

 

so you can in a loving way, let go, pray for him, let him know your standards, and go about making your own life better because you're not ready to sincerely be there just as his "friend".. (without some false hope that it might be something more).. you already know you want "more" from him, but the fact is he's not ready.. it's too soon.

[NotReady]

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much Blender. I actually did speak to him briefly earlier because he actually had the guts to pick up the phone this time when he had not done so the last 4 months. But I cut it off because he made it clear that the reason he called was that he did not want to be in bad terms with me because he considered me a good friend. So this guilt was not present for the last 4 months, probably bec of this other woman keeping him distracted. And this is what threw me off in a tailspin bec. I was expecting an apology and explanation as to why he just dropped me but as you said, it was all about him again.

 

I just feel ambivalent right now about not having compassion for what he's going through but I am in pain too so I have to think about myself first. I guess I will just explain to him why I cannot be his friend right now if he calls again.

[blender]

You can have compassion and say a prayer for him, but do NOT choose to get involved with him right now.. that is being wise, kind and respectful.. and most of all it's "SELF RESPECTING"..

 

so let go with love for today, do not initiate any contact... you're going to grow past all this, and you will feel better about yourself in the long run.. this guy has many issues he needs to deal with.. trust that as much as you are dealing with your own life, he can deal with his.. take care of you, love yourself, and you can have compassion and let go at the same time... being a "cushion/doormat" for someone who has not been consistently respectful towards YOUR feelings, is NOT a healthy idea.. it will only lead to resentment.. because right now it's not sincerely what is right for you.

 

I know he's been through so much, but so many people have gone through many emotionally draining experiences yet they do not ignore those who have been there for them and go spend time with another woman and then contact you four months later to be "buddies"... he simply wants to alleviate his guilt and keep the image of himself fresh and good in your mind.. and that's fine, but you don't have to join him in this "need".. just let go and respect his emotional journey, but most importantly respect your own emotional journey, you're still hurting.

 

It's not selfish or wrong of you to NOT be "buddies" with him right now, in fact it's the opposite, it's self respecting, mature, real, and best to set standards for your healing process and also to allow him to go about his healing in a less selfish healthier way..so take care of you.. that is the most healing thing for today.