My life feels so pointless

[HyruleGuardian]

I've been a loner for so long now that it's almost a way of life for me. I go into things expecting to be left alone and have gotten used to my own company. I'm in college now, and if people come up to me I close off and try to ignore them. I hate being shy like this but it's the way it is. I can't relate to people. Any time I try to talk to anyone it feels awkward to me.

 

I have no friends and my family doesn't understand. I ruin any relationship I have because I don't open up. Sometimes I go home at night and lock myself in the basement to cry. God I hate this feeling. I just want to be normal again like I used to be. Before I started middle school in a new school, after my family moved to a new city.

 

I used to work out daily, but now I find myself lying around thinking what's the point? Does it really matter anymore? I used to have a job but the store closed, so now I have nothing. Even at my job I didn't open up to anyone. I felt like a loner there. I do mediocre in school because I don't try my best. I know if I gave my all I would be at the top of my class, but what's the point?

 

I find myself saying what's the point a lot. Sad, sad way to live. My parents and sisters used to ask why I wouldn't go out on Fridays, but now it's just a routine. They know I'm staying in at night. It hurts to know your family thinks poorly of you.

 

I want to change but I don't know how. There's something wrong with me. I can't initiate or sustain relationships with anyone. Please help me because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

[radioheader]

have you considered going to a therapist? (from experience...they really do help if you find one you like!) it sounds like depression is sinking in...we can all get in bad routines both physically and mentally...i think it would be very helpful to try to find some help with a service on campus...it's been a while since i went to college but i know they had resources for people who needed help...

 

i also know that there are many others who feel the same way you do...college can be a tough time b/c you are supposed to be figuring out what to do the rest of your life and really most of us don't figure that out until much later...i bet there is a support group at your college for different issues as well...please check into it and try to locate some help. you do not deserve to feel this way...if it is a chemical imbalance, there are so many good medications out there with fewer side effects that can help you get out of this slump...but only a therapist will be able to know for sure! hang in there and come back to talk here anytime!

[HyruleGuardian]

I don't know, therapists just aren't my thing. I'm not sure talking to someone would really help me.

 

And if my parents or family somehow found out I was seeing one, I don't think they'd support me. They don't believe that things like depression are real, especially my father. I once tried to talk to him and he told me I'd get over it. Right...

[radioheader]

it is very real and those who don't have it sometimes just don't get it (like tom cruise commenting on brooke shield's depression)...you deserve to try whatever might help...my husband was the same way about therapists at first...took him years to decide to try and he went to 3 to find the right one but it did help him and he is a firm believer of them now...i think you shoudl give one a try and just not tell your family if you don't think they'll be supportive (your an adult and don't have to have there approval)...and the therapist can talk to you about why your father just does't get depression...it is so easy to judge others....you never know how you will feel about anything for sure until you experience it yourself...these are just suggestions...i think it couldn't hurt...what have you got to lose?

[mike_chppr]

I agree with radioheader, a therapist can only help. It is awkward because you have to stretch yourself and open up in a way that you cannot do in life, but you can do here on these boards. A therapist is an alternative way to practice interacting with others. When I was 19 I was pretty much where you are now. I became suicidal and checked in with the school counseling system. It happened to be free to students. It was probably the best thing I did. I swung through another bout of depression to a suicidal point in Graduate school. I've always gotten help when I started thinking down that road, and I can tell you that I am so glad that I reached out. Your friends and family probably know that you are going through tough times, but they don't know how to assist. A therapist has training. The third time that I swung into very deep depression was in coming home from Iraq. I self distructed in almost every area of my life, but by some stroke of the paintbrush I found myself in the office of a therapist again, and I can honestly say am I depressed, yes I am, but am I getting better on a month by month basis, or a week by week, or day by day. Month by Month is how I measure true progress.

 

I don't know where you are at in life, but seriously people love you. They may not know how to express that in a way that gets through your synapses right now, but they truly and dearly love you.

 

Your dad may seem really rejecting right know. But you have to look past that and fend for you, you are an adult. You don't have to be home by 10:00 or else. You can experiment with life and judge the outcome as healthy or not or forsee what might happen and decide if you want to try that path or not. You are responsible for you, your dad's critisism of therapy may be because he isn't the perfect cornerstone of the family and he is afraid to look into himself. Work on accepting him as imperfect and work on you. He still loves you, but he isn't the greatest man in the world and he isn't the worst.

 

I can't express how much I feel you should go to be seen. If you still don't want to, Please go pick up this workbook. link removed

Instead of laying on your bed read chapter one and chapter 2. they are short and won't take up too much time.

 

What are a few hours to you when depressed? Feel it and then rewire your brain out of it. This book can do miracles, but I suppose if your dad doesn't believe in therapy, he probably doesn't have much hope for miracles either.

 

Seek help. You will get better, you need to work on you day by day.

 

PM me if you want to talk privately, I know what you are going through. I know what you are thinking "what is the point?" There is a point! There is something better out there! Don't stop the journey here, give yourself a chance to make it on your own. You can do it for you, not for your parents or anyone else, you can do it for you.

 

Peace to you man.... hang in there.

 

mike_chppr

[radioheader]

hyruleguardian - so how are you? have you thought anymore about seeing a therapist and exploring the possibility of depression? just wondering how you are doing?

[HyruleGuardian]

hyruleguardian - so how are you? have you thought anymore about seeing a therapist and exploring the possibility of depression? just wondering how you are doing?

 

Yes, I thought about going when my Christmas break was up (next week), but I've met this girl that has made my mood so much better. We met briefly a month or so ago, but I didn't think much would come of it because of my past with relationships. But we're really starting to talk to each other a lot more now. She actually listens to what I have to say and likes me for who I am. She knows I'm shy and she likes that. She's probably the opposite of me, and we mesh well. I feel so great around her and it's bringing my whole self up. But yes, I will still consider going to see a therapist if I start feeling bad again.

 

I don't know where you are at in life, but seriously people love you. They may not know how to express that in a way that gets through your synapses right now, but they truly and dearly love you.

 

Your dad may seem really rejecting right know. But you have to look past that and fend for you, you are an adult. You don't have to be home by 10:00 or else. You can experiment with life and judge the outcome as healthy or not or forsee what might happen and decide if you want to try that path or not. You are responsible for you, your dad's critisism of therapy may be because he isn't the perfect cornerstone of the family and he is afraid to look into himself. Work on accepting him as imperfect and work on you. He still loves you, but he isn't the greatest man in the world and he isn't the worst.

 

Yeah, it's kind of a weird situation with my parents. I'm 19 years old and they still treat me like I'm a kid. The other night I hung out with the girl I talked about above, and I was gone all day. When I got home at around 10 PM my dad got pissed off and said, "a responsible person would call home and tell us where they are." He then went and said, "As long as you're under my roof, you will do as I say." It really got me angry and I just left the room.

 

I mean honestly, it's so hard to have parents that want to control you no matter what. He knows I want to leave so bad but I can't afford it. I hate being treated like a child.

[radioheader]

yeah...you are right...that is a tough age...wanting to be independent and then the parents on you if you live at home...i'm glad you are exploring a realtionship...i think you grow with each experience...just be careful not to depend on her for your happiness....that needs to come from within...b/c this may not last a lifetime...even if it does, you need to be happy with you! still consider a therapist if you feel down again...they work! glad you are feeling better and have fun with your new friend!

[Spugly Fuglet]

I know a therapist is a good idear, but there is also practical salutions you could try, like

 

volitery work, say for a charity or kids group heling out with pears who are out side you life and as such not a thret to you shyness.

 

A bar job (i did this and being a bar man for a year part time soon helped me get over my shyness)

 

act clubs, if you can not get lver it fake it, am-dram is fun and you don't have to be you on stage,

 

photographic hobby, sounds odd but you carry a cam with you every where and take pics, you soon find yoir self in groups as there record keeper.

 

so you don't ha e to spend 1000 on a therapist you just need to work your way past the human lock out you have created,

 

ps at 19 you have loads of time to fail and try again at this.