Contacted him after 8 weeks NC - advice PLEASE

[Cindersam]

I contacted my ex yesterday after 8 weeks of NC. I have been wanting to talk to him but I felt it was best to wait. He broke up with me over the phone after a 6 year relationship saying that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Since I didn't see it coming and was in shock I didn't say much. It was a very short converstaion.

 

After a lot of soul searching I feel I may know what happened to make him stop loving me and I feel it may have been my fault. I feel a great urge to tell him these things. I know it may not matter to him anymore but I still feel a need to tell him no matter what the outcome is. Even if he is not willing to give us another chance I feel this conversation will help me get some closure that I don't feel I have since nothing was really discussed before.

 

I have been in total NC for 8 weeks and I feel it has really helped me get a clear perspective on things and to be able to have this conversation without getting overly emotional. I would like to try and work things out with him but I feel I have healed enough at thie point at accept whatever happens.

 

I called him yesterday and he agreed to meet with me. It won't be for over a week since it is Christmas break and this week is his week for having his kids. So I have plenty of time to figure out what would be the best way to approach the conversation. Any suggestions on how to approach the conversation would be GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANKS!!!!

[honeyspur]

My only advice is be prepared to not reconcile and remain cautious friends. Good luck and stay open to any feedback he gives you.

[blender]

Why do you feel it's "your fault" that he "didn't love you anymore"? Be careful not to "blame yourself".. after all he broke up over the phone, that's not too classy, it's actually a cowardly act. I hope you know that if over the next week you decide it's best NOT to see him, that you can always change your mind and cancel the "meeting".

 

Please have an emotional plan for yourself, although you may "think" you are prepared to have a "closure" meeting, it may be a bit more difficult emotionally than you anticipate, at the very least make sure a friend is near by for you to meet afterwards, set a time limit in your own mind, and have an "out" (like a "dentist" appt) so you can leave if you feel yourself getting "too hurt" or "emotional"

 

and before you meet, make sure to make a list of exactly what you want to say, and what you "hope" to hear in response, and what you "do NOT" want to hear in response, and then have some kind of self respecting emotional plan in mind so that you are not too thrown emotionally once everything is said.

 

And it's really not ONE person's fault during a break up, so be careful not to put all this on yourself, the "truth" is usually a balance of "he" wasn't so happy inside himself, and projected some things on to you, etc...

 

So before you meet ask yourself some questions:

 

What do I hope to gain from this meeting that I do not ALREADY know?

 

Am I interested in a man who made a choice to break off this relationship?

 

What good will come out of this meeting for me? For my self respect? For my heart?

 

Will I be able to handle his possilby being "indifferent/casual/kind" but so NOT interested in a reconciliation?

 

Am I really interested in being "friends" with him at this point?

 

Could I handle hearing about his life and new adventures?

 

Answering these might help you at least be a bit more prepared, remember HE can not give you answers that will make it all better, YOU are a wonderful, loving, kind, vulnerable woman, and you deserve a committed loyal, respectful love. If he is NOT ready to work on that with you, then it's okay, YOU will be okay.

 

Remember you can always change your mind and not go too... just think it all through, and that "closure" comes from inside of you, not from him.

 

the most important thing is to be yourself, be honest, and it's okay if you are hurting, and that he knows it, if you want to meet up with him because you honestly think it will help you move on, or feel better, well, just know that you will be okay with or without him, you will, trust this.

 

let us know how you're doing, and if you have any other expectations that you are worried about.... best, Blender

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is really understandable to want closure, the ability to talk to him and understand why things didn't work out, if he broke it off very quickly and didn't discuss this with you.

 

however, sometimes our own minds play tricks on us, by that i mean you can logic backwards and come to the conclusion that you were totally to blame for 'making' him not love you, when that is almost always never the case. a relationship is a dynamic between two people, and he will have his own reasons for making the decision to break up, and lots of them may have nothing to do with you at all. for example, he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship, or he saw someone else he wanted to date, etc. None of which may have to do with you.

 

But if we blame ourselves totally, we also think we can 'correct' the fault and everything will be fine and the relationship will go back to the way it was. so sometimes blaiming ourselves is just a cleverly disguised mental attempt to take control again, i.e., 'i broke it, so i can fix it'... since relationships are a negotiation between two people with differing wants and needs, please don't be too quick to assume either blame OR responsibility for the relationship... it takes two.

 

so i would go into the conversation with the understanding that you want closure, to talk about what happened and why he wanted to break up. Leave it totally open, i.e., don't tell him why you think you are at fault, but ask him why he felt the need to break up, and be open to what he says. he might surprize you too with what he says.

 

it it then ok to ask him if there is some way you two might try again, and things you feel you (and he) might do to allow that to happen. but don't go into it with the thought that you will confess your 'sins' and hence he will say, ok, now let's be a couple again.

 

leave it open for open discussion, THEN discuss it. if you go in with an attitutde that you will confess your weaknesses, it might just make him clam up and say, no that's not it, but you will get no more information because he might feel manipulated, i.e., you are there saying you understand and will change, without really giving him a chance to participate in expressing himself and his OWN reasons for feeling the way he does about you, not YOUR reasons for why you think he feels that way... his feelings are his own, and not controllable by you.

[Cindersam]

Why do you feel it's "your fault" that he "didn't love you anymore"? Be careful not to "blame yourself".. after all he broke up over the phone, that's not too classy, it's actually a cowardly act. I hope you know that if over the next week you decide it's best NOT to see him, that you can always change your mind and cancel the "meeting".

 

Thanks to all 3 of you. You all gave me something to think about. I appreciate all of the advice and I will definitely think about it in the next week before I see him.

 

I would like to respond to the question about why I think it may be my fault. I do not take full responsibility for this because I think we both stopped communication towards the end. But I think I may have caused things to begin.

 

About a year ago I sold my house and moved (not far) to a better area due to my son having some problems (he was using meth and my ex was a cop). I didn't know my son was using until he was arrested for being under the influence. My ex, being a cop, wasn't sure how to deal with it all. He did pretty good but I know he didn't think too highly of my son at the time and I totally understood why.

 

When my son decided to go into rehab I decided the only way I might be able to help him was to remove him from the environment where he got into trouble (there were a lot of drugs in the neighborhood - I didn't know it until my son get involved in it).

 

The summer before I sold the house I spent a lot of time fiixing it up and I think I basically took my ex for granted. It was a tough time for me with what my son was going through and I think I sort of shut a lot of people out. We had been together so long and I felt so strong in our relationship that I assumed he would be there through good or bad which he was.

 

When I decided to move I didn't discuss it with my ex. I felt I needed to do it to help my son and I didn't really want anyone else's opinion at the time. Up until this point we had usually disussed everything.

 

Right before I moved he made a comment to someone else (I was standing right next to him) that I had shown him in many ways recently that I had lost interest in him. I said that wasn't true and basically brushed it off. I meant to talk to him about it later alone but then I got so busy getting ready to move and I moved a few days later and I pretty much forgot he had said it. I didn't remember it until he broke up with me a year later.

 

Now that I look back on it he probably took my buying a new house as me putting off our future together especially since I did not involve him in the decision. Whenever we would talk about getting married we would talk about living in his house. HIs kids are much younger than mine and they live in a really good school district so it just made sense. Not too many people buy a new house and then not live in it very long, right? Well I had thought about all of that before I decided to move and about how I could rent it out or my kids (who are old enough) could live there until my daughter is through college and my son is doing better. But I never discussed any of that with him.

 

My son is clean now and has been for 18 months so I do not regret moving I just regret not discussing any of this with my ex. I can see now how he probbaly felt shut out and thinking that I was losing interest in him he probably put up some walls to protect himself and in doing so slowly lost feelings for me. I think this can happen without the person even realizing what is happening to them or why.

 

WHen he broke up with me he said he didn't know why his feelings had changed. Maybe it was a line but I don't think so. I also don't think his breaking up with me had anything to do with my son since he is doing much much better and the two of them get along good now.

 

I really want to discuss all of this with my ex. I know it may not make a difference at this point but I feel I need to try. I feel better off emotionally now than I did 2 months ago so I think I wil be able to handle it no matter which way it goes.

 

You all made some really good points though and I will definitely think about them through this next week.

 

THanks!