Unusual complicated breakup? (long)

[LittleBlue]

How and when can love win over fear?

Can someone talk them selves out of love?

Please all you great people out there, read my story and give me some of your thoughts. You have already been a big help to me.

 

 

I understand I have to let go to get 'me' back after nine years with my love. It has been six months since the breakup, we have had alot of contact selling the house etc. Even had sex numerous times (friends w benefits), but he still insists on us being apart to find our selves. He worries about me all the time, and I don't know anymore what is normal caring, act of love, or act of guilt. I plan on doing LC after he leaves in a few weeks (going far away for who knows how long). But I'm not sure if that is the best thing to do.

 

Gone through the worst kind of breakup (attachment fears, panic attacks, codependency), and got medical help for two months afterwards, not just with the breakup but with all my old issues as well (depression/anxiety). Got amazing help in my home country and are no longer living in darkness. Have cried a million tears and because of my mental illness before the breakup I had alienated myself from the world with no job, no hobbies, no social life, almost no friends, and my family far away. My ex really became my unhealthy all. I was forced to take this opportunity to get well and are now free from mental illness and drugs. Finally my mind is clear and I can see the world around me again. I'm ready to be part of the world again.

 

My ex says he needs to find him self (never were single really, had to take on responsibilities young after his dad died, then deal with my illness etc).

 

Due to my mental illness we didn't have sex for almost two years, so now for the first time ever, I actually enjoy it and wouldn't want to be with anyone else than the one I love. We had amazing sex maybe eight times in the last two months, and it has been great for both of us. He finds me sexy and beautiful and I feel it too for the first time in years. He always said I was so cute, funny, smart, sexy etc, but only now when free from my darkness I see what he means. He still says those things sometimes (not only to do with sex), but did I get well too late?

His feelings has cooled having a depressed, negative, lonely, scared girl around, and now his fears are making him put this wall up to protect himself I guess. He use to love me so much, and I know he still does deep down. We really had something special, we complemented eachother perfectly, connected on all levels and our love was real and true- until my depression/anxiety took over. He tried to help me and make me happy for years, but he slowly lost me and I lost myself into the dark.

 

He's afraid of us and all the pain we went through, as well as the pain of this breakup. His actions speak that he still loves me, but he constantly tells himself and me why we have to let go and why we're not good for each other. I try to show him the old me (new again) when I see him- the happy sweet me, but it has been a serious battle whith my feelings of rejection sometimes. He tells me I shouldn't feel rejected, but I still do.

 

Clearly we had issues with codependency, but we both worked through our bits separate in therapy. I know I have to start from scratch to get a life without him, but how can I let go, to do that? He asks me to let go, but how can I when I love him and we are intimate and talk and email? I did let go of the unhealthy, dependent love, but I can't let go of my dreams of a happy future together. He understands that I'm well and anxiety free, got proof of it, but I'm not completely over the pain of the breakup. He says we both have to work on getting over each other. Why do we have to get over each other?

 

He knows how much he means to me, and how much I love him. I told him many times, but stoped saying it now. I'm just trying to show him now, and make him feel loved. He told me twice since the breakup that he loves me too, but that he can't think of that or keep saying it. He tells me there is nothing he doesn't like about me and that we always will be close (friends). But that we can't be together. I'm well aware of fears and what it does to you. And he clearly is afraid and are acting very defensively most of the time. Makes me scared to think that with long enough time apart, he will talk him self out of loving me. Is that possible? How does love win over fear? His fears is already making him leave town to get away from me. His fears makes him say thing that often hurts, like if we are having a good time he has to say out loud this about us just being friends. I told him that he doesn't have to worry about giving me false hope or anything, no matter how good of a time we have. But he says he feels he has to remind himself and me at those moments, and I'm assuming his defense to protect himself is kicking in. Hard to hear things he says sometimes, but he also says nice things.

 

If I tell him I miss him, he tells me he's afraid that I'm getting too attached again. If I tell him I'm looking forward seeing him, he says I can't be dependent on him. He insists that the best thing for both of us is letting go. He also still has problems with worrying too much, and that he can only find the real him, if he doesn't feel any responsibility for another person. That he can't help but feel responsible for people he cares for. As long as he cares too much, he can't focus on him self. Once he told me that he almost wish I would find someone else, to release him from his "responsibility". I told him my happiness isn't his responsibility, and neither is my well being anymore. Though he knows that he still worries and cares.

 

I get that I have to get my life back without him, but I just can't bare the fact that I will loose him to his fears. I really am well (therapy for years), and with an increadable self awareness and understanding of myself, I know I'll be fine. Though I don't have much else than my health, I do have an education in a field that I love, but haven't yet worked much in. I have learned more about myself in these six months than I ever thought was possible. I have achieved so much and learned to love me for me. Always hated myself before, but not anymore. I know what I will and have to do with myself, to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm ok now. But how can I get my ex to get over his fears of our painful but loving past? He says it all hurt too much, and he no longer sees a future with kids or me. He says it might take 1,2 or ten years before he knows what he wants again.

 

He tells me he can't give me any hope, he doesn't want to string me along. That I wont get on with my life if I keep holding on to hope. Kinda true, and I grieved with no hope, but how do I let go when he can't either. He worries sick if I go a week without contact. Is LC or NC going to be good for his fears or not? No need to worry about me anymore I say, but he can't help it. He hates that I'm lonely and stops himself from calling me more often than he already does. We both hurt so much this past year, but when he sometimes cries (we both cried alot on the phone, not so much anymore), I'm not sure if it is because he feels so bad about hurting me, or if he is sad that we are no longer together. It breaks my heart seeing him in pain, and at those moments my pain goes away. I will do anything to see him happy, but I don't know what that is in the long run. I can only imagening how much it must have hurt him seeing me in pain for all those years.

 

I still hurt from the breakup, but it's getting better. I still cry a little every few days and I'm far from happy. I really feel for all of you in pain, never will I forget the heart ache (intense chest pains) and the desperate, painful, hopeless feelings.

 

So please people, give me some advice on what to do these last few weeks before he leaves, as well as what to do while he is away. I've been away for xmas, and we haven't talked- just one email. He might pick me up at the airport when I get back in a week, then I'm moving out of our house and splitting up all our belongings. He leaves for maybe six months or a year, and I have to start my life over. I will get on with my life, find happiness again without him.

 

But how do I get the love of my life back one day? What about his fears? How does he get over them, but not his feelings for me? LC or NC for a while? Will that hurt him even more? I love this man with all my heart, and he deserves all the happiness he can get. I have shared way too much pain before and now with him, and I'm sick of being selfish like that. How can I help him, but also get us back together? By being close friends wont make him want me again, will it?

 

Puh! Thanks for listening and any advice.

[guyoverthere]

I will get on with my life, find happiness again without him.

 

I think you should concentrate on yourself for a little while. Sounds like you have a history of neglecting yourself and developing a world around one person. This can be dangerous. You stand the chance of developing severe anxiety (because you're afraid of that person suddenly leaving and taking your world away), depression, and drug abuse.

By concentrating on yourself and really taking strides to become independent, confident, and well-rounded; you'll begin to feel pride and cultivate self-esteem.

Take cooking classes, aerobics, yoga, etc. Go jogging or hiking (something outdoors). Photography is excellent - it's expressive and technical.

Also, you should get a plant and perhaps some fish. This will take the edge off the loneliness.

When you do get really lonely, this site is loaded with really friendly people with generally sensible advice so come here, chat with people, but try not to rely on it exclusively for all your social interaction.

I speak from experience here.

You'll be ok.

[flower99]

"I have learned more about myself in these six months than I ever thought was possible. I have achieved so much and learned to love me for me."

 

This is awesome, you are on the right track! now if you've done this much in 6 months imagine what you can do with yourself with another 6 months. You need to focus on yourself, continue to get your life in order. Get working in that field you love & keep on growing.

 

"But how can I get my ex to get over his fears of our painful but loving past?"

 

You can't get your ex to do or get over anything. That is for him to do himself if & when he's ready. His fears are his battle to fight. It's possible that in time he may find himself & see the changes in you & himself and be ready to try again. BUT you have to prepare yourself for if that doesn't happen.

You have to get over your fear of you two not ending up together. (because right now it's a 50 - 50)

He is trying to disconnect himself with the 'talking himself out of loving you'. And that is a good choice for you to start doing too. Start prepareing your mind & heart for that fear by doing the same.

 

I recommend stop having sex. You can't disconnect when you are intimite. Men are much more capable of that than women.

 

But continue to use this time to grow & develope yourself. That will benefit both of you. And prepare you for whatever the future brings you, whether it's back together or different direction. You've see all you've become in 6 months so continue to grow & begin letting go, as he is. When you are ready to live without him, maybe the time he realizes he can't live without you. Use this time to your advantage.

I wish you happiness...you'll be okay.

[flower99]

p.s I have to say, you are really mature about the way your handling this. And the way you care so much for him & what's good for him. You sound like a wonderful person.

I believe that if you continue the path you are on, growing developing, learning about yourself, persueing your dreams.....this may work itself out perfectly & you two come together again at the right time.

But always be prepared & ready incase something changes that is out of your control.