Jury is still out, almost decided...

[matius]

So I've been debating whether or not to break up with my girlfriend of 2+ years for the past week. Seriously, this has to be one of the most physically/mentally stressful situations on the planet. These boards have been really good at keeping my mental state in check...

 

I can finally summarize the problems I see in 3 points:

 

1. Sexually, there is no lust or passion. In fact, sex is only occasional -- I believe we've been in so many arguments & ego clashes along the way -- somehow for me the attraction has evaporated to some extent (is this normal or am I losing it?).

 

2. There is a very high probability that within a years time she will be moving out of state for school. Not certain, but probable.

 

3. We had at least 3 'serious' talks. You know the ones where we ask ourselves what's going on, that we're tired of feeling this way...she is staring off into space with glassy eyes & I'm feeling bewildered. Each time we tell ourselves we'll both try ... but again I'm back at the same conversation (the 4th prompted this whole thought process).

 

On the other hand, she is a wonderful person & does care about me and my family a lot. I do to about her -- I'm not looking forward to initiating this split at all. But if you read those points above it hurts me to know that the relationship isn't being satisfied long-term more than it would for the first few months of a break up. Especially when I don't feel a positive change coming.

 

Another thing is I'm not looking to get married or have kids for a long time - if at all - She knows this, but deep down probably thinks I'm just trying to shirk responsibility and I'll soon change...I feel guilty about that. I don't want to spoil her chance of having a family. Late 20's, probably the right time to get started...

 

>> Would you consider these qualified points to begin thinking about the end?

 

>> Maybe this should be another post, but if we did split up...

 

How can it gracefully be carried out? I mean, she may agree with me or throw me to the curb. I hate having to look at apartments and plan to have movers come in the same day I have the talk. How have you all handled this in the past...

 

It's easy to see how people opt to stay comfortable huh...

 

As usual, thanks for your thoughts.

[Beec]

I think your reasons are fine, if they are important to you. However, I also think you can turn those things around, if you want to. I would not opt to be comfortable. All relationships require work and passion will come and go. Working on things can get it back. Those serious talks are all about each of you telling the other to CHANGE. If she moves, and things are as they are, it probably won't last during an LDR. But the reason I would end it, if you do, is if there is a difference in the relationship you see ahead of you, ideally. If she sees marriage and family and you don't, then you should end it and set her free.

 

If you do it, then just tell her.

[matius]

Those serious talks are all about each of you telling the other to CHANGE.

 

So true. I didn't really think of it like that...

[Benson]

damn i wish my ex realized that it takes work to maintain a decent relationship with passion... i would be the happiest man in the world LOL

 

good luck matius

[matius]

I guess to a point though. If it's more work than pleasure, is it worth it?

[mjeswoosh]

Hi Matius,

 

Just curious how old are the two of you?

 

From your post it seems that both of you see the inevitable and are probably feeling the same way. During your talks, you say she stares into space and is teary-eyed. She could be full of guilt and remorse just as you are.

 

I get the feeling you are both trying to make each of your lives better, her choice happens to be school, which is okay. Every break-up does not have to be dramatic and full of anger, resentment and NC. Think of the friendship the two of you have built and try to help that remain intact. If you two truly care for each other try to be as amicable, understanding and reliant as possible. It sounds like there is a great deal of distance between the two of you right now b/c of the future choices that have to be made. I know it sounds difficult but try to remain steadfast and be strong for you and her. If this was truly meant to be, it will happen.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

 

 

 

 

"Believe in nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." - Buddha