Update

[amystar]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted a while ago about my bf who decided he wanted a break out of the blue after a 2 year relationship. He said he needed space so that is what I gave him. I tried not to contact him and tryied not to respond to his attempts to contact me for about a week.

 

Now, after I have been through hell trying really really hard to forget about him, he sent me a message saying that he wants to give us a second shot.

He invited me over to spend Christmass with him and his family.

 

I know I shouldn't have but I did go over there and spent the day with him and his family. It was like nothing had ever happened. He was all over me and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Being in the state that I am, still hurting like never before, that is exactly what I needed to hear. So we talked for a little while and I told him I would give him another chance. I'm starting to think I made the wrong decision.....because I still do love him and I am probably holding on to something that is not there anymore.

 

I felt fine after that, like maybe this really is a new beginning for us. He completely went out of his way and got me presents that reminded me of our past. He was affectionate like never before and I was just enjoying every minute of it.....it was just what I needed.......

 

Well, last night he told him that he was going to visit one of his buddies from work today. Today is the only day he and I both have off from work for a long time. I thought that maybe we would spend it together and catch up and talk.......but I also understand that it is important to visit your friends during the holiday season.

 

The thing is, I don't know this buddy he is going to visit. I told him to give me a call when he got home. So he has been at this "buddies" house for 9 hours now, he hasn't contacted me and I am getting concerned again. I can't help but believe that he didn't go to vist a buddy at all. I want to believe him but I find it hard to do so after what happened. I know I'm stupid for taking him back but I do love him. Should I just break it off now? I need some advice please.....I'm hurt more than I was when he told me he needed some space. Why would he do this to me?

[amystar]

I think he is seeing somebody else......I don't know why is his doing this....thanks for your support and advice.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there Amystar,

 

It's okay! Breathe!

Let's not jump to conclusions before we have all the facts.

Amy, I apologize for not being more familiar w/ your story but do you have any reason to suspect him of cheating?

 

Seeing as that it's only been a couple days since you guys got back together, let this slide for now, especially if you have NO concrete evidence to support your suspicion of his cheating.

 

If you both are serious about making things work this time around, in my humble opinion, I do believe you must begin by addressing the issues that broke you guys up in the first place and re-assessing what went wrong before so that you both do not make the same mistakes.

 

What do you think?

 

Hang in there Amystar! I am sure he will contact you soon.

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Hope75]

I think he is seeing somebody else......I don't know why is his doing this....thanks for your support and advice.

 

Hi amystar,

 

What makes you think he is seeing someone else?

 

Was he doing that during your break at all?

 

What did he say when you came back about his time away from you?

[amystar]

This was my first post a while back:

 

"Hi everyone,

 

I really need to some insight outside my friends and family. I have never used online forums before but you guys seem to be very understanding and supportive.

 

First off, I'm really heartbroken. My boyfriend of 2 years decided that he was going to give me the cold shoulder to let me know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Recently I noticed that he has changed a lot. He doesn't call me as much, doesn't ask me to spend time with him, and doesn't show much affection towards me.

 

Being that we are both grad students and have been extremely stressed out during finals, I thought I would give him some time. That did not do anything at all. Finals were over and he did not change so I confronted him about it. Basically he told me that he really does love me very much, does want to be with me but doesn't see us working out. He also said that he doesn't know if it is worth it anymore. I was completely floored.....where did all this come from?

 

Our relationship has been wonderful, we have had our ups and downs but overall, I thought that this guy was the one I was going to marry. I really love him from the bottom of my heart and I don't know what to make of all this. We decided to take a "break"...whatever that means. I mean how can you love somebody and not want to call them and spend time with them and show them affection? I really don't understand.

 

I'm completely heart broken, and as hard as I try I just can't stop the tears from coming. I don't know what to do. I am giving him his space right now so he can figure out what he wants but still I am completely torn apart. I don't know what to make of this. Thanks for reading."

[Hope75]

Hi Amy,

 

I still don't read anything in there that would cue me into thinking he is seeing anyone else.

 

Sounds to me like he got overwhelmed and scared, more than anything.

[Ellie2006]

Amy,

I apologize for not recognizing your original thread. I remember now.

 

In any event, I would like to say again that unless you have concrete evidence of him cheating on you, then I would not go there for now.

 

Instead of confronting him with these (unverified as of now) questions of his cheating, ask him to reassess with you what he thinks went wrong the last time and what you guys can do collectively and individually to make things work this time around.

 

What do you think?

[amystar]

We talked for a little while about our relationship. Basically, he is not telling me much, he does not like to talk about his feelings very much and it's really hard for me to get anything out of him. He just said that things with us were not going like he would like them to and said that he didn't want to talk about it.

 

Actually, we just hung up the phone, he called me on his way home I guess and we got into a little bit of an argument. I asked him why he hasn't called me all day and he just blew up at me about how we are different how he just feels like nothing he does is good enough for me. I really dont understand any of this. I'm really confused.

 

It turns out that he was playing video games for 10 hours with 3 other guys. I dont know...but I guess you guys out there can tell me if that is normal or not. He didn't call me during this time at all and basically I feel like he woudl much rather do anything else than work on our relationship. I guess I am just venting right right now. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel really hopeless and hurt..........I dont' know what to do...is this even worth working on. Maybe I'm overreacting. Any advice would be appreciated. I just feel like crap. Our conversation just ended with him saying.."look, you dont' understand me, I dont' want to talk about it, I'm really upset". I dont know....

[amystar]

I dont know how we can make things work if he does not want to talk about them.

[Ellie2006]

Amy, even though I am not a guy, I can see how he could have gotten absorbed by the video game and neglected to give you a call.

 

The fact that he played video games for 10 hours is NOT the problem, IMO.

 

To me, what seems to be the biggest problem is his unwillingness to address what went wrong before.

 

If you guys do not address this crucial issue, how can it be resolved constructively? If this matter goes unresolved, what will keep the relationship from reverting back to the "old" way -- and you already know, repeating what you did the "old" way will lead to a breakup. He is fooling himself if he thinks that things will magically be different this time around.

 

I am so sorry you're upset

 

BUT I truly do believe, (as harsh as this may sound), if he is this unwilling to work on making the relationship this time around, I do think you should give a serious consideration to whether or not you want to get back together.

 

What do you think?

[amystar]

Ellie 2006,

 

Thanks for your imput. I completely agree with you. He said that he will stop by after work tomorrow. I think that maybe I need to sit down with him and discuss what we both want out of this the second time around. Judging from how he was acting on Christmas day, he obviously still cares about me very much. I really do love him and want to make things work with him. But I really dont know why I am so hurt by the fact that he decided not to contact me the entire day.

 

The last thing I want to do is make him feel like I am trapping him and keeping him from doing things he wants to do. I'm feeling really hurt and upset and I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. The first step for me needs to be to just let this slide this time but it is really hard for some reason. I will talk to him tomorrow and see where things are going. I really want things to work but like I said...I feel so hopeless....I feel like nothing we do will fix things. Thanks for your support, I really need it right now.

[Ellie2006]

Amy,

 

Just my two cents worth (I am certain other posters will offer better advice) but when you guys do talk tomorrow, avoid bringing up the whole video-game incident; this might put him on the defensive and may make him less likely to discuss the real issue at hand: what you guys are going to do from this point onward to make your relationship a success.

 

Also I think (and others may disagree) that for now, it might be best NOT to mention how hurt you were by his actions. (This does not mean your feelings were invalid in any way. BUT starting off the conversation w. how you felt (esp. since your bf has already expressed that he is not comfortable talking about his emotions) might take the conversation off on a tangent?) Instead, you may wish to take a more positive approach -- i.e. you would really like to make things work w/ him and if there are changes that need to occur in the relationship for it to be more successful, you would like to know what they are. You may ask him to go first but ultimately, both of you should have shared what changes you would like to see happen in the relationship.

 

Just my two cents worth so please take it with a grain of salt.

 

Best wishes to you Amy!

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[TallyM]

Could be a pot smoker, perhaps. POt smokers like their space... but when they want their GF there you should be there as they think they have done nothing wrong, then they will be all clingy and cuddly and stuff and when they want their space, you could cease to exist for all they care...

 

Just a thought...

 

i could be a million miles off target though, but hey.

[Firedancer03]

Hi Amy,

 

First of all, hugs. I understand how difficult this must be.

 

Perhaps before you talk with him, first sit down with yourself and dig deep into your feelings. Getting back together can be difficult since more often than not, at least one of the people involved was hurt in some way. I think one of the most important thing to ask yourself is what you want from a relationship. If it helps, get out a paper and pen and write down what you want and what you need from a relationship and your significant other. And keep in mind that whatever you write down are things that you deserve! Then, sit and down think, really think, about your past relationship with this man. Think about the person he was, how he treated you, the problems you two had, and the relationship as a whole as objectively as you can (I know how hard it is to be objective when you are in love). Then decide if getting back together with him is worth it and something that you really want. Remember that just because you love someone doesn't mean that the relationship was good for you or that you belong with this person. Decide if he can or is capable of giving you the things that you need (and deserve) and if you two are in fact compatible as a couple.

 

Remember that there is no relationship without trust. It sounds as though you do not fully trust him yet. Which is understandable since he walked out on you quite unexpectedly (the same thing happened to me). I do not know how long you two had been broken up, but perhaps you are still not over the breakup and are still worried that he will leave you again. These are things you must address within yourself. Will you (or have you already) be able to forgive him? Will you (or have you already) be able to trust him again fully and completely without the fear that he will leave you or be cheating on you? One of my friends got back together with her ex but she told me it was difficult because she didn't trust him anymore, and 6 months later they broke up again. I do not mean to sound harsh or anything, but the last thing you want is to go through 2 breakups with the same guy.

 

 

Another important thing to remember, which I believe Ellie already mentioned, is that before a reconcilliation can be sucessful, the two people involved both have to address the problems that occurred to cause the breakup in the first place, and they both must be willing to work on them before getting back together. Its also important to realize that the "old" relationship is over, completely. It is not possible for things to be the way they were before, because the first time around things didn't work out. Its like starting a new relationship with an "old" person, if you will. The thing that jumps out at me is that he gave you Christmas gifts which were remniscent of your past together, and then you mentioned something about him saying that he wasn't happy with the way things were going. If he is expecting things to be exactly like the way they were before, he will be sorely disappointed I'm afraid, and this might be something you want to mentione to him.

 

 

I think when you talk with him, it is important keep calm and not attack him. Also, like Ellie said, I wouldn't tell him how hurt you were by him not calling. Right now you two are in the very early stages of getting back together and not everything has been clearly worked out yet. You both need to be on the same page before you can move forward. Try to keep things positive and explain that you are happy about a second chance at the relationship, but both of you must be willing to realize what went wrong the first time and fix them so that they wont happen again before you two can begin this new relationship. Ask him how he is feeling about things and the second chance so you can get a feel for where he stands.

 

Sorry that was so long! Good luck to you and your boyfriend, keep us updated!