Radical Forgiveness!

[Mithivh]

Hello everyone,

 

I've gotten opinions and advice from these forums before so I thought I'd throw out a question for you guys. I really need the help.

 

One day (about a month and a half ago) my girlfriend was at rehearsals for a church thing, and afterwards she was with two (guy) friends of hers.

She asked one of them to go down to the basement with her to see how the reconstruction was going from a flood the church had earlier in the week.

 

Basically what happened was: he asked her to give him a hug (I'm still not quite sure why, I think he just said he "needed one") and then he kissed her.

She pushed him away and said she was taken and left. I really wasn't upset because it wasn't her fault, I mean when she asked him down to the basement it was solely as friends. In my opinion, the guy completely manipulated the friendship into kissing her.

 

What confuses me is she has already forgiven him for doing this! He has never apologized or anything, but she now sits next to him at church and talks to him like nothing happened. Is this normal? What would you do if you were in her position? Should I be upset over this or is it normal to forgive someone this quickly (and for something as big as this)?

Also, the guy KNEW she was with me because he had seen us together [kissing] a few days earlier.

[Juliana]

Why are you upset that she has forgiven him? What do you think the alternative is? What would you rather have her do?

[Rob_85]

It seems like you are mad.. let it go.. at least you still have her..

[Mithivh]

I think the alternative would be to not be friends with him anymore so she doesn't take the risk of getting hurt by him again. He hasn't shown any signs of feeling bad about manipulating her so why should she set herself up for it to happen again?

[turqoise]

If I assume that she doesn`t have feelings for the guy (which is a little hard to tell but it sounds that way), I think she`s a special girl to be able to forgive someone quickly and wholeheartedly. There are not many people who can be so compassionate.

 

She has every right to choose to forgive him, and you have to let her be herself. Having said that, she should also understand your feelings. You could express your discomfort regarding her sitting next to him, for example.

 

I also think that it feels confusing for you because you haven`t had the chance to forgive him. From your end, enjoying your relationship with her without feeling stuck on this incident every time you meet him may boil down to whether you can forgive him too. There are even less people who can do that - there`s a challenge for you!

[Juliana]

In Christianity, there is only one kind of forgiveness: Complete. Forgiveness that says, "yes, but..." is not real forgiveness. It's tolerance, which is nice, but not what we're supposed to go for.

 

That said, I'm sure she's aware of his issues now, and she's not going to let herself be led downstairs quite so easily next time, should there be a next time. However, as a Christian, she has to believe that there will be no "next time."

 

Your issues with resentment and anger are separate from her issues with him; please don't look to her to manage your own feelings.

[Mithivh]

Thanks you guys. Part of me knows it was the right thing to do on her part, and she is a very compassionate girl. I guess it just seemed quick for me because it will take me a little longer to forgive him.