Am I nuts?

[dierberg]

This is my first post – so here it goes…

 

I have been married for about eight years. I have what would appear to be a great life, great job, lots of money, great kids, etc… Here’s my problem – my wife is a perpetually unhappy person, and it seem that not matter what I do – it does not make a lasting difference.

 

About 16 months ago, I discovered that she was having an affair. She claims that it was emotional, but I think differently. She said the reason behind it was that she was unhappy, and that she didn’t think I cared about her. It has been the toughest time in my life. The affair has ended, but our relationship has been extremely rocky ever since this happened.

 

I tried to put it in the past. We went to counseling, which did not seem to help at all. I just get the overwhelming feeling that she does not want to be here. She treats me like I am the one who betrayed her. It is such a mess.

 

Not arrogantly, but I view myself as a great guy. I have a lot to offer someone. Recently, during one of our fights, I found myself telling her “if I’m not what you want, I am sure I’m what someone wants!” I care for her and love her, but it seems that I just can’t find the peace and happiness that I seek with her. I find myself thinking about divorce all of the time.

 

Here’s the catch – I think she has already left mentally. Our situation is that we have two little boys, who I take care of most of the time due to my wife being in a very intense medical program. I have been supporting her and paying her bills over the past few years – even after she cheated on me. She could work part-time, but chooses not to I guess because of what I can provide. I am not worried about the support for her financially, it’s just that I am at the end of the road hoping that I can make this work. I want to find (eventually) someone who wants to be treated like a queen, and will make me feel loved. I have been told that because of our situation with her school and a bunch of other stuff, I could probably get primary custody of my boys. I know I am ready to move on and know that’s it is o.k. to let go. Do you think I should wait the year for her to get out of school and hope that by some miracle things could get better, or should I make my move now?

[pillsburydogirl]

I was a perpetually unhappy person for oh, say 12 years? I finally dug myself out of it but remember my husband (then boyfriend) constantly trying to MAKE me happy. What I couldn't get him to understand is that there is nothing he could to to make ME happy. Yes, he could be a better boyfriend but my problems were much deeper. Only I could do it. ONly your wife can do it, NO MATTER HOW GOOD A HUSBAND YOU ARE. She could really benefit from conselling and an antidepressant but It IS up to her and her alone. Please understand that.

 

Now, onto the rest. YOu said "she thinks its emotional, I think differently" Why do you think you know what she feels better than she does? Thats my only disagreement with you.

 

You sound like you have done everything possible to save this marriage, even during the cheating. My own relationship almost ended because of MY unhappiness (never cheated though) There is a time when enough is enough. You can't MAKE her happy, as much as you want to, and as much as you are more than willing to do whatever it takes. It seems to me that your wife is a sinking ship. Don't go down with her. It might be time to move on and find that person that appreciates all you have to offer, but ONLY after the divorce. It seems like it is over and that you have already somewhat come to terms with it. It seems like you are just worried about your wife. Maybe getting divorced will be the best thing that happened to her. Maybe she will be forced to see that she is STILL unhappy, and look at the real reasons why and deal with them.

 

I could be wrong, only you can decide. I don't want to push you into divorcing but just to show you another point of view. I just saw that this is in "breaking up". THe fact that you didn't put it in "divorce" says you might not be fully ready, at least you would rather have it work out. YOu didn't put it in something more neutral like "marriage" either, so that tells me you are seriously considering the divorce.

[kermit]

 

Now, onto the rest. YOu said "she thinks its emotional, I think differently" Why do you think you know what she feels better than she does? Thats my only disagreement with you.

 

 

 

I interpreted that as meaning she says it was an emotional affair, he thinks it was physical. I don't believe it matters, either way she looked outside her marriage for something she should have found inside her marriage.

 

She is likely treating you that way because she resents being married to you. You are an impediment to her being with the person she presently prefers.

 

I'm not sure how we can decide if you should leave her now. Is there some advantage to acting quickly? Will you feel better if you leave her before she leaves you?

[Trab]

I rrally sypmhazise with you, It's terrible. I'm affraid your situation is way above my head. I think it is for a lot of people so that's why you may not be getting as many replies as you hoped. JUst hold on tight, im sure youll get some great ones soon! If you feel you need a friend to unlaod on, send me a message and ill give you my msn and we can chat. like many others, im here for you.

[scsavino]

Only you can decide if its the right time. God, is there ever a right time?

I have learned in a relationship that you have to do whats best for you and you alone.

Pray ...... and then it will come to you.

[Trab]

Listen to some music that makes you feel good! For instance I hate rap music, and I just listened to it all day, and it gets you pumped!

[RayKay]

I think she may need some individual counselling; and I think perhaps you should get some as well for yourself to get some clearer perspective on things.

 

You can't make someone happy when it is evident that it is something within her that she needs to resolve; maybe she was unhappy in the marriage, but certainly that does not justify her affair, and certainly she must take responsibility for it too before you can ever move forward.

 

If she is perpetually unhappy the truth is nothing you do may change a thing, as it is something SHE needs to resolve in herself.

 

I can't tell you whether it is time to do it now, or not, if you have decided it is time to move on. That is something that you need to decide for yourself.

[amialone]

Babe, i can totally appreciate where you are, mainly because i am in the same place as yourwife - i think. My trouble is the same, i have a fantastic husband who is everything i could ever want on paper but in all honesty, i just don' think there s chemistry on y part. I have spent my last 8 years thinking i am depressed, whats wrong with me etc but i am coming to the pint where i think it just isn' something i can fix. I love my husband dearly, but i don' feel the spark. I decided on trust and dependancy over love and lust and although morrally that is better, it doesn;t alwas work. I have tried so very hard to be happy and nowi feel it is potentially out of my control. Maybe your wife is going through something similar? I don't know, it's just a maybe>