Please Help!! would like various opinions!!

[andreap]

Hi,

In May of 2005 I left my fiance' of over 7 years. We had lived together for almost 6 out of those 7 years, worked together (separate offices), and had a great time together. When I met him I was 25 and he was 30. I had already been in one live-in relationship and also been on my own for quite some time....he was still living at home w/ his mom...he is Italian and in that culture that is not very uncommon (think "Everyone loves Raymond"). Anyways, we had a very passionate love affair. We were best friends. We did everything together. After a few years we did occasionally fight...but I guess everyone fights? Almost all of our fights were a result of him being dishonest with me about something.....and usually he was lying about the dumbest stuff...not even anything I would have been upset about...it was as if he was lying just to be secretive or something....I don't know. Anyways, the last year of our relationship was different...it got really bad. I caught him lying about bigger stuff....like he was chatting online on porn sites. He was also talking to another girl from the gym on a cell phone # that I didn't even know he had. The lies got so bad that I coudln't handle it anymore. He swore that he and the other girl were just friends...and so did she after I confronted her....but it continued despite my being hurt by this "emotional affair". Yes, we went to counselors....a couple actually...very little help there other than draining our wallets. Anyways, I finally moved out after the fighting and the lies became too much for me to handle. I literally called up a moving company one night and told them to be there the next day to pack the whole house and move.....and so they did. He was stunned. He tried to rectify the situation simply by putting his female friend on the phone to tell me that they are just friends and that there is nothing to worry about....I was furious.....and gone. A week or two after I left he insisted that we try counseling again....I agreed, but was still untrusting of him. Shortly afterwards I hired a P.I. to see what the deal was w/ him and the girl from the gym. Seems that they really were just friends....he followed them for a while and only one time did they meet at a restaurant...he was already inside eating and she came in to talk to him. When they left they talked in the parking lot for a while....standing a few feet apart...never touching. When they said goodbye he gave her a peck on the cheek (She is latin...so?)....at least that is how it looked on the tape...and they went there separate ways...no hotel room or romp in the car...that was it. At this point I believe that she really wanted to break us up and had her own agenda....although nothing ever seems to have come of it. She has left him messages pleaing for him and saying she loves him etc...maybe they hooked up after I left him or months later....but nothing substantial ever came of it. NOW, over a YEAR later, the ex is still in my life. We have been back and forth since the breakup. He always comes to me. I'll ignore him....he'll keep contacting me....then no commitment. We did "hook up" a few times this year back in Feb/March...then it blew up again because I would freak out when I saw him out w/ another woman. Here is the deal: He has been VERY casually dating this older girl that lives in his neighborhood since the beginning of the year. I don't really know the "status" of their involvement. He never stays over at her place and she has never stayed over at his (I still talk to my neighbors...obviously)....and HE has told me this himself. We have been talking now again for the past 2 months. HE contacted ME....again. He tells me that his involvement w/ the other girl is more like companionship....he is absolutely NOT in love w/ her...doesn't even talk to her every day....just goes out for a bite to eat once in a while w/ her etc...whatever. I have had my run-in w/ her before. I caused a huge scense since he and I had just had lunch (this is back in June/July of this year by the way) and were reconnecting ....then I saw him out w/ her....and I flipped out. It ended up by her walking about a mile or so home in her dress and heels and my crying in his driveway....rediculous I know. Then I avoided him for quite some time again....but he keeps coming back into my life...and I let him. For quite some time now (months) I have told him not to contact me unless he wants to put this back together the right way....but he keeps coming...keeps calling etc...

Now that we have been talking CONSISTENTLY for the past 2 months .... and we have met a few times for lunch...and just met on Sunday for breakfast and a ride along the beach....things have crossed the line a little, fliratiously, but we were NOT intimate yet. We have been talking every day and most nights. But he still cannot commit. I ask him what he wants and he hesitates and says he is scared that things will not work. He refuses to contact the other girl and tell her adios as well....but knowing him, it is more his style just to blow her off slowly than to have a confrontation. The other night I told him I was tired of this "dance" and want to go on w/ my life since he cannot seem to figure out what he wants....then he flipped out and said "but I was thinking all weekend about us reconciling and maybe even living together again one day"....so a few days later...I went to his office and said "o.k., if that is what you were thinking about....let's spend the weekend together".....he backed away and said no. He even said "I didn't say living together again"!! what? He also acted like he was afraid that I was trying to get him in trouble w/ someone else....like that girl that he says he is NOT in a relationship with? huh? What is going on here? I have not been the initiator of any contact for many many months. HE ALWAYS COMES TO ME FIRST. He seems to be casually dating but states he still has feelings for me and definetly is not in love w/ her or anyone else. Keeps telling me over and over again that he is "single"...and can do whatever he wants. He comes towards me....then if I come a little towards him....he runs away. If I ignore him completely....he chases after me....literally. How do I get this vicous cycle to end one way or another? I either want to reconcile.....or stop this nonsense b/c it is getting absolutely nowhere....or if it is leading somewhere it sure is taking a hell of a long time? please help!!!! As it stands right now, I asked him to tell me what HE wanted from me the last time we actually spoke on the phone which was MOnday afternoon....he wouldn't answer...tried avoiding the subject...and now hasn't called since Monday but sent me a little hello email yesterday morning. This is rediculous....it never ends. What does he want from me or how do I get this to come to some sort of conclusion? PLEASE HELP!!!](*,)

[flower99]

Wow I'm not sure where to start.

1. He's a liar. Plain & simple. Why do you even believe him anymore????

2. You want to work this out...But he doesn't & he doesn't try to (even if he said he did, you can't believe him)

3. You don't trust him & shouldn't. Without trust, you can't have a relationship.

4. He doesn't want commitment & you do.

 

He's not trustworthy, he's a liar, he doesn't want a commitment and even if he said he did..you can't believe him. The fact that you felt the need to hire a PI, shows that you don't trust him or respect him, without trust you have no relationship & no hope for one.

You know this is a unhealthy relationship - You've tried couselling - there is NOTHING more you can do. You need to let go, and see that maybe you two shouldn't be together.

What he wants from you doesn't matter. What YOU want & need is what matters. You need honesty, faithfulness, respect, commitment, love, to be put first, to feel secure....none of those things you will get from him.

 

You need to do No contact. Begin to heal & move on. Focus on yourself.

The dance will only end when you stop letting him back in your life.

[colors]

Really I'm not sure what you are trying to selvage?

I realize you love him & have a lot of history together, but the bad out ways the good. And unless he changes into another person (which we know doesn't happen) Your future together will be full of lies & the cycle will continue.

 

Over the years you've seen different sides of him, and they are sides you don't like. Accept who is is, stop trying to change him & his ways (yes it's to better the relationship) but instead....leave him, don't answer his calls, don't answer the door....if he continues to pursue you after all of this get a restraining order. Whatever you need to do to move on with your life & make room for a better man. A honest, faithful, loving, respectful man who adores & loves you for the women you are.

[andreap]

Thank you both for responding. Yes, I suppose the bad does outweigh the good on paper...but noone ever said we would make the wisest choices of who we love. I still love him. It has been over year and I still love him. I have tried to do this famous "NC" SEVERAL times in the past.....HE keeps coming back to me. If he doesn't want to reconcile on some level w/ me then why doesn't he just go away for good? Every time we reconnect he tells me he does want to SLOWLY rebuild things w/ me....but then he panics or gets weird on me and backs off. It has been going on for too long now...this I agree w/ both of you on. But my question is WHY does he keep running back to me.....is he really on the fence about the whole reconciliation or is he just full of it? I feel like I want to send him an email today telling him to never contact me again unless he is ready to make a commitment to me....and leave it at that. I am pretty sure that if I do that today I WILL have the strength to follow through on my end and do NC for as long as it takes. I just hate to do the NC leaving it hanging on a hope for a future reconcilation....but if I don't do that then he will drag this out forever and keep things casual between us until HE is ready to commit....which could be a long time.

[colors]

WHY does he keep running back to me.....is he really on the fence about the whole reconciliation or is he just full of it?

 

I've been through this for 2 years after the break up with my babys dad. Just like what you are going through, he said the same things, convinced me he was serious.....he'd get scared & when i finally got serious too he'd back away...eventually I realized this had become our relationship. And it took court before he realized it was truly over.

 

Why does he keep running back??? Every person is different, so it's hard to say, could be control (keep you waiting & hoping) But also could be the same reasons we keep taking them back. It's comfortable, the door is always open, history, hard to let go of what we love, they love us BUT that doesn't mean it will work.

We've all loved people we maybe shouldn't but we learn from it & move on. Some faster than others. Love without trust, can't work. Love without faithfulness can't work. Love without commitment, not going anywhere. You've been patient, it's been 7 years. If he can't commit after 7 years...maybe that's your sign

 

If you tell him not to contact you until he's ready to commit....You will be waiting & hoping not healing... completely defeats the purpose of No contact.

And what are you really waiting for ? Do you think he's going to change? Think he'll stop lying? do you think more counseling would help? What do you think it will take for this to really work? And better question, where do you draw the line & decide this won’t work?

Cause history repeats it's self. You've used that line before with him. You keep leaving him an open door. And he will keep on using it.

You need to decide when you will be ready & draw the line & say enough is enough. Than hold to it. Be strong, you deserve more than this.