Best friend slipping away, it's a shame

[easyguy]

It's a good thing I don't have to depend on friends for happiness.

 

My best friend who I've known since I was 5 or 6 years old is becoming less of a friend and more of a nuisance. I am open to any kinds of communication to help him with his extremely cynical and almost always negative attitude about nearly everything he comes into contact with or sees, but he never says a word about anything to me. To be honest, I am usually happier when he is not around. When he is around, he never wants to do anything with me, or anyone else for that matter. He only has one hobby - videogames and talking on the phone to someone who lives out of state who he'll never see in person. And then he complains of being bored. It would be cool if he took of up new interests, but that is not likely so long as I am around.

 

I don't know, it just boggles me that the friend I've known the most in my life, and likewise, seems to be losing himself and never talks about anything other than his topics of interest. Perhaps he doesn't really trust me. He grew up basically raising himself in a dysfunctional family, and his cynicism stemmed from that. I wish I could help the guy out, but he is so at a distance that it would be a wasted effort on my part.

 

But, I'll be moving out of state in several months, and will be on to bigger and better things and meeting new faces. It's not going to kill me, but it's just unfortunate that the one solid friendship I've had for most of my life is deteriorating, and I don't think he realizes is.

[dogheadma]

If this is a relationship that you truly value, then have a heart to heart with him and let him know of your concerns. What he does with the information is his choice, but at least you let him know how you felt.

[Daligal83]

It sounds like he may be depressed. I think what dogheadma said is right, you should tell him how concerned you are about him. If he knows that you've noticed that he's different, it could be that turning point for him.

[Psylocke]

Dogheadma is right, it is probably depression. I'd say have one last chat with him. Lightly suggest depression because if you base your convo on this topic he might become offended. That negative attitude he has is his safty net and honestly it's very difficult to get rid of. It's comfortable to him and he just might not know another way of life (right now at least).

 

I have sorta been in this same situation with a long time friend. That first paragraph mirrors someone I know the same things I've said about him in the past . Sadly he won't get help because he fears the side effects of anti depressants.

[Juliana]

I "third" that comment on depression. Don't walk away from him; confront him until he gets angry, and then you'll get the truth of how he feels and what he needs.

[kittysaysmeow]

I don't know why people immediately jump to depression all the time. The fact is that no one here knows enough about his friend to say that. He could just be a cynical kind of guy.

 

I agree though with talking to him about how you feel. That is, only if you want to continue on with the friendship. The fact is that just because you were friends as children doesn't mean you're compatible as adults. It's a sad fact of life but not all friends are meant to last a lifetime.

 

But try talking to him. Maybe it is depression. Maybe it's something else, but you'll never know until you talk to him about how you feel.

[Daligal83]

I said depression because the way the OP described it made it seem like this is a new occurrence. If he was truly a cynical person, he would have been this like all along and it wouldn't be so painful for the OP. When someone is depressed, they withdraw from friends and family and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed. I believe this is why so many of us think it could be depression.

[kittysaysmeow]

I know what depression is, I've suffered from it. My point was that no one should jump the gun and immediately declare it to be depression. We're not therapists, we don't know especially with the limited information given.

 

I believe that if he immediately asks his friend if he has depression then his friend would just put up walls (even more so). And that wasn't even the question he was asking in the first place. It's ok to drift away from friends...whether they have depression or not. All he can be is there to listen to his friend but it's up to him if he wants to deal with it. There's no shame in growing a part.

[Juliana]

Still sounds like depression to me. I think the point of an internet forum like these is to get the opinions of people. I'm sure that easy knows that we are not medical doctors, and that we are offering opinions. And, from the people I've known, including myself, who have struggled with depression, that presents itself as a possibility. And you have offered your opinion as well, so he's all set.

[kittysaysmeow]

I don't mean to sound rude...that wasn't what I was trying to express. It's just that everyone seems to jump up right away and state that it sounds like depression or some other problem. What if it isn't? What if the problem isn't depression at all? Forums like this (and I enjoy enotalone!) can have a significant impact on someone's life. You can't just proclaim someone having a mental illness without having the schooling (and proper information) to back it up.

 

And even if it is depression, it's not up to him to babysit his friend. He can suggest perhaps talking to someone (therapist, close friend, priest, etc), but there's not much more he can do. If the friendship is dwindling then it doesn't matter the reasoning behind it, it just is. If he wants to continue on with the friendship, then talk to the friend and see what's going on. But if he doesn't then that's ok too.

[Juliana]

"You can't just proclaim someone having a mental illness without having the schooling (and proper information) to back it up."

 

No, you can't. But you can say, gee, that sure sounds like depression.

 

If you have a different opinion, or different advice, please step up! Variety is what it's all about. But it's surprising what can emerge as threads develop.

[Daligal83]

I see your point that it may not be depression and we shouldn't jump to conclusions. There is a possibility though that he is depressed, but does not have depression. The symptoms (as you know) have to persist for an extended period of time to qualify for that. It still sounds to me like his friend is down, for whatever reason.

 

I think the main thing that everyone pointed out though is to just let the friend know that he is worried. If his friend doesn't want to do anything about that, well then there's nothing more to do. But considering they have been friends for so long, I think it's the right thing to do to at least say something. I didn't mean that he should go up to him and say, Hey I think you're depressed. But just to say that he's noticed him acting differently lately and he just wants to make sure he's doing ok.

[kittysaysmeow]

Juliana, you're right...I respect that it does sound like depression. But the information given was pretty limited. I mean, I have a close friend that does exactly the same thing but I know for a fact that she doesn't have depression although she probably has some other issues.

 

So, if it could be depression is it really up to him to continue the friendship even though it's kind of dying out? I believe that he should talk things over with his friend but it doesn't necessarily mean he should continue with it if he doesn't want to.

[kittysaysmeow]

Daligal83 - agreed!

[Juliana]

"So, if it could be depression is it really up to him to continue the friendship even though it's kind of dying out? I believe that he should talk things over with his friend but it doesn't necessarily mean he should continue with it if he doesn't want to."

 

And it's great that you've offered that advice.

[easyguy]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

He has been in therapy for years, and used to anyway suffer from depression (and other things that stemmed from his family life growing up)... because he used to be on anti-depressents. I don't think he is on them anymore, but he sees a therapist once a week. However, from what he's said about him, it doesn't sound like he is taking it seriously. If anything, he is getting worse, not better. Because I have certainly not noticed any changes in how he acts in a good way when he is anywhere other than work (which is a different can of worms).

 

See, he and I live under the same roof as my parents, and he is a year older than me (I'm 20, he's 21). I either have to ignore him completely, or when he is happy and upbeat, I embrace it. But that is becoming less common as the days and weeks go on.

 

I'll find some time to talk to him one of these days. I want him to know about my concerns, but I have to find a way to say it the right way. And you're right, what he does with it is up to him. I just don't want to be around someone who has to be so negative all the time, even if I have known the person for most of my life. He just tends to see the glass as half empty, rather than half full. If it wasn't for my family letting him stay in our house after HIS parents moved a ways away, then I don't know where he would be. He doesn't have enough money to live anywhere on his own.

[kittysaysmeow]

Sometimes when one has depression it's hard to see anything in a positive light. The fact that he's seeing a therapist eliminates the need for you to ask him if there's anything wrong (since you already know there is!). That said, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to him and express your feelings about the situation.

 

I understand both sides. When I was depressed I relied very heavily on my bf at the time. It drained him emotionally but I was too depressed to see it. Only now do I realize what happened. But like I said before, I think talking about how you feel would be beneficial but you don't need to continue on with the friendship if you don't feel you should.

 

That said, what if he got "better"? Would you still want to be his close friend? And if so, maybe sticking it out is a better way to go.