Married for under a year and feel disconnected from my wife

[sparker]

My wife and I got married November 24th 2003. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!! I love her with all my heart and I never though my wife would be so cool!!

She has a four year old from a previous marriage and he and I have taken to each other quite will. His dad is not in the picture so I am pretty much it and that is fine with me. He was 2.5 when we started dating.

My wife used to reciprocate so well. I never had to wonder if she appreciated me or valued me. After getting married we got pregnant in January and it has put a toll on our relationship.

Her son, Jared, is a needy little 4 year old. He wants a chunk of our time all the time and there is no room for her and I. What's worse is she doesn't care. Making time for him is far far more important to her than making time for us. I am starting to really resent Jared because she bends over backwards to make sure all his needs are met, but I don't feel she gives mine the time of day.

We have talked about it and I have told her how I feel, but she thinks she is failing and gets down on herself way to much. Now I don't even want to share my feelings with her. We are drifting apart every day. Since she has been pregnant her sex drive has been little to none and for months it bothered me, we talked about it. I told her I needed her. Now in the last month or so, I don't even care anymore. I don't even want her and that makes me feel that the romance we had is gone and I don't even know if we can get it back. I don't feel she cares to and I don't even know if it's worth fighting to.

I love her and I care about her, but I feel like we are going from being married to just being good friends and she is seems to be ok with that and I don't care much right now.

If anybody has some words of encouragement, they would be appreciated. I needed to vent somewhere and this seems a good place.

Steve

[JH123]

the first year is really the hardest, there is no way to know what the other will be like until you are actually together.

[Princess777]

Sparker,

 

I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. It must be so confusing for you, and bewildering. You probably are a little angry at her along with being hurt and concerned. Understandable!!! Having much experience in the marriage category, I can tell you that it is extremely common for a woman's sex drive to diminish when the children are young. I'll tell you why I personally had this problem in my first marriage....I was exhausted all the time from doing housework, errands, childcare, working full time, paying bills, going to appointments, keeping the checkbook balanced, etc. and it just consumed me to the point where I didn't have time to want it, and was too tired to do it. Do you help her with all of the above, and do you know what is going on with all that stuff? If you feel you actually do your share, then she may need to see a doctor to get some help with that. I don't know your personal situation but just telling you what I know from experience. The first year is difficult, but I was married for 10 years and he cheated on me because of the same thing you're talking about, so the time span didn't matter and things didn't get better. We went to counseling but it was too late, I just couldn't forgive him so we divorced. Don't wait until it's too late, try to work things out if you are still IN LOVE with her.

Princess777

[Ash]

I have a different slant on this. My first year of marriage was not the toughest, BUT our second child was the turning point. The same things you described happened to us with our second child.

 

There's another person (or very soon to be) to take focus away fro myou and your wife in addition to the 4 year old.

 

Her maternal instinct will tend to favour her child over you because he seems more needy, and needs more support and nurturing.

 

Having kids is really tough. They essentially do come between you and your wife. I never realized at the time it was such a common thing, but it is.

 

Maybe approach it from that angle, that it's not that you're newly weds, rather there's a second child on the way. You simply haven't had the honeymoon style period of time that most newly weds have.

 

All I can suggest is to speak to your wife about it, and do some reading on relationships. Don't stick only to the 'first year of marriage' stuff, but read the sections on having kids.

 

Talk to her about her sex drive if you can. It will help you if you both know what the other's concerns are. Don't make the mistake of not communicating everything that's in your head and heart with her.