What is the best way to tell your new lover what you like in bed?

[SexySadie7]

This is probably an age-old question.. but us being humans... we all like different things.

That being said... when you are with a new lover.. how do you tell them tactfully what exactly turns you on?

It always seems awhile for you & your new lover awhile to figure out just what turns each other on.... While you don't want to wait indefinitely until they just "figure it out", how do you suggest at the time, that maybe slower, or faster or to the right or the left would put you over the edge faster?

It's not that your new lover is a bad lover at all.. it's just they don't know yet what exactly turns you on...because lovemaking is so new to you & your partner.

[TheRedQueen]

As you're making out, just tell them simple guiding words such as, "faster, slower, softer, harder".

 

Trust me, they'll listen and comply. And the reason why this is so I've found, is that men especially get off from being able to get *you* off. If he realizes that doing "such and such" gets you more wet and thus, more into it, he'll be more than pleased to accommodate you, and add it to the repertoire.

[BornToResist]

A little encouragement can go a long way. Or just flat out taking the reigns.

 

If I want it faster, slower, etc., I just tell them like theredqueen said, or I grab their hips and guide them...or flip them over and do it myslef.

[Day_Walker]

I say work it into sex, make a little game of it and be nasty with it.

[TheRedQueen]

I say work it into sex, make a little game of it and be nasty with it.

Yup, there ain't nothing wrong with that.

[bitbit]

my boyfriend plays A or B with me. we both have fun. basically, you try two different things, like kisses on the neck (A) or sucking on the ear (B) and then you pick which you liked best. it turns both of us on and we learn about each other. or, if you're too embarrassed to flat out tell him what you want, just show him what you want. put his hands/fingers/tongue where you want them.

[TheRedQueen]

Men quite often need to be taught how to please their women. If you don't speak up, or guide them somehow, you might as well resign yourself to being in a relationship filled with nothing-to-write-home-about sex.

[SexySadie7]

Well.. i think what it is is that everyone is different.. So.. if previous boyfriend like A, B, & C... that's not to say.. that present BF will also like A, B & C.

And i'm learning what pleases him too.. i cannot say I'm an expert on men...especially cuz all men are different.

I know that guys' egos bruise easily though. I don't want to say in a tone that makes the guy think he's an oaf.. especially if he's a really nice lover.. I just don't know a delicate way to say...Hey.. that would feel ever so much like ectasy a half inch over there or try that slower..... that sort of thing...

[Day_Walker]

If you are that concerned about bruising a guys ego to the point where you dont want to mention or dont know how to mention what you like in bed then his ego probably needs to be bruised. If you are willing to compromise your own pleasure for the sake of not hurting his ego then feel free to do so. A guy or a girl has to know that what they are doing is not working or they will continue to do it and if you fail to speak up then you deserve exactly what you get. During sex seems like the perfect time to state these things since he will see the amount of pleasure you feel he will catch on and hopefully keep that in mind.

[TheRedQueen]

True, every man is different, but c'mon now, have you ever had a problem making your man climax??? I'm guessing no, why? Because most men are quite easy to please. Men on the other hand don't have it as easy as we do, more often than not, they need our help in guiding them on how to properly please us.

[Clementine orange]

I once sent a g/f a questionaire type thing I found on the internet - wow was that ever a good idea. She can say on a scale of 1 to 5 if she wants to do whatever. There were 100s of "items/activities" on the list - from mild to spicy. That way if something on the list is kinda "pervy" (for lack of a better word right now) and she is "oh my god, that's horrid" hey - you didn't bring it up - it's on the questionaire only

We just worked our way though everything she checked off on the list....The summer of 03 - ahhhh now that was a good summer.. and tiring!!

[TheRedQueen]

If you are that concerned about bruising a guys ego to the point where you dont want to mention or dont know how to mention what you like in bed then his ego probably needs to be bruised. If you are willing to compromise your own pleasure for the sake of not hurting his ego then feel free to do so. A guy or a girl has to know that what they are doing is not working or they will continue to do it and if you fail to speak up then you deserve exactly what you get. During sex seems like the perfect time to state these things since he will see the amount of pleasure you feel he will catch on and hopefully keep that in mind.

This is so true, though it should be added, that it takes a certain level of confidence, trust and maturity on your behalf, in order to be able to discuss such things with your partner. When I was younger, and lacking in all three above stated criteria, I sacrificed what could have been a lot of great sex for my sheepishly held silence, doh!! #-o

[TheRedQueen]

I once sent a g/f a questionaire type thing I found on the internet - wow was that ever a good idea. She can say on a scale of 1 to 5 if she wants to do whatever. There were 100s of "items/activities" on the list - from mild to spicy. That way if something on the list is kinda "pervy" (for lack of a better word right now) and she is "oh my god, that's horrid" hey - you didn't bring it up - it's on the questionaire only

We just worked our way though everything she checked off on the list....The summer of 03 - ahhhh now that was a good summer.. and tiring!!

That's an interesting idea, very clever...

[lostlove]

Try asking him about what HE likes, and I'm sure he'll ask you as well in turn. Also, when he does something you like, make sure he knows it.

[SexySadie7]

Yeah.. but you guys still aren't answering my question.. maybe I should have the guys respond here since it's their egos in question. He does alot of things i like.. it's just being with someone new.. it's like uncharted territory.. you don't know what is good for either of you.. unless you ask ......

Yeah.. you know what though lostlove.. guys are sometimes really shy about saying what they like.. for some funny reason.

I dunno.. sex is kinda hard to talk about sometimes..i had a bf who was the best lover.. but if you asked him what he liked or wanted.. he would clam up like a drum!

So.. guys what is the best way to find out what it is you guys REALLY like?

Cuz.. the best sex comes from good communication I believe.

Maybe just have a talk about what feels good when you AREN'T having sex?

Cuz.. everyone is missing the point here.. yeah.. it sort of hurts one's feeling to know whatever you've done for the past 12 minutes isn't helping your partner along at all to orgasm...I can understand that...

But guys' egos are somehow alot more fragile....I guess us women are used to being told what to do.. cuz that is our first role in life.. to be subservient.. don't flame me.. it's just mother nature... but the guy is used to taking the lead. he's not used to taking directions.

Have you ever gotten lost with a guy driving somewhere.. and for some god only knows why reason....he won't ask for directions?

LOL.....

So.. okay fellows.. what is the nicest way your girl could ask for something without hurting your feelings?

[dogheadma]

I'm not usually one to divulge personal details about my love life but this suggestion might apply to your situation. It's a game that I've had a lot of fun with from time to time. First you get out the handcuffs. But there's a twist. The person who's shackled gives all the directions and the person who's free can do only as their told. Take turns. I personally have at times found this game to be quite satisfying on a multitude of levels. But, as the saying goes, different strokes for different folks so this may or may not do it for you, but it will definitely get the communication flowing on personal likes and dislikes. Just an idea. (My apologies if I was too graphic. )

[bitbit]

if you can't talk about sex, should you be having it to begin with? i think the best part about sex is talking about it. especially with my friends.

[SexySadie7]

Well bitbit.. good point... i've not really known this guy that long.. I was doing some heartfelt thinking yesterday.. Part of me thinks we shouldn't be having sex at all.. cuz we just don't know each other that well or that long to be doign this.

At this point all it is casual sex. We don't generally go anywhere.. I'm just starting to feel very neglected and used in my heart of hearts.

Yesterday he called me... he hardly ever calls me.. he told me he loved what I did with him in bed...Well.. we didn't even do it in bed...

I don't know why we cannot just go to the bed and be comfortable.....

He was gonna call me back later that evening.. but never did.... par for the course.

I'm starting to think that if i go up to see him again.. i'm NOT going to have sex with him....Let him pursue me... if he's not too lazy...

I dunno..i guess this thread doesn't belong on this post.. but this casual sex, no strings attached sex in my opinion just sucks, emotionally.

He never offers to come to my place... He didn't even want me to call him on his birthday! Let alone see him on his birthday..

What the fruck am I doing in this relationship anyway? Please, no flaming me pleeeeeeeeeze.. I'm depressed enuf as it is...

My mom passed away this spring.. and I think the last thing I need to be is some loveless casual sex thing.. I need some great guy who cares about me....

[TheRedQueen]

I've got the perfect solution for you, drop this guy like a bad habit, pronto.

 

Your wanting more than just sex does not make this a "casual sex, no strings attached situation". Rather, it makes it a complicated situation, one in which your feelings will be continually hurt. I think you may be using sex as a way to win this guy's favor, but trust me, that tactic won't work, especially when the parameters have already been set.

 

I'm truly sorry about your mother, losing a parent is never an easy thing, trust me I know, but perhaps now would be a bad time for you to get involved in this kind of emotionally damaging relationship.

 

(((hugs)))

[SexySadie7]

This statement amuses me.. " think you may be using sex as a way to win this guy's favor, but trust me, that tactic won't work"

No.. trust me.. i've never used sex to gain anyone's favor. I have a high enough sex drive that I want it for my reasons, not his.

I don't know. i think we've really gotten off track here.. Partly it's my fault too.. i suppose. i really did want to sleep with him.. but i had no idea he was going to act like this...

[TheRedQueen]

Well, do you, or don't you want more than just a casual sexual relationship with this guy?

[blender]

"SexySadie7", I'm so sorry that you "didn't know he was going to behave this way" before you had sex with him.. but now that you are aware that he makes a "choice" to "behave this way".. why are you still interested in him?

 

I know you "wish" it was different with him right now, but it's not.. and that's not your fault.. it's just the way it is, so in accepting that he lacks a respect for woman so much that he never phoned, or respectfully taken you out since then.. it might be time to be "okay" with what you have learned about him, his choices of behavior and now have the self respect to move on from him.. and let it go.. lesson learned regarding the type of guy he chooses to be.. right?

 

YOU are too special for him.. that's the truth... take care of your mind, heart, body and soul, and do not have sex with him again... it's not worth the few moments of physical enjoyment just to feel sad and lonely afterwards...and that is the lesson learned about this guy... lesson learned right?...