i broke up with him but i didn't want it to end. please advise.

[silky88]

i was dating this guy for about a year (our first kiss was on new year's day) and we had a lot of fun together, great sex, were really compatible and had gotten very close.

 

over the past month, he'd grown more distant, which i posted about in other threads:

 

 

 

and

 

 

 

i was freaking out about it, and forced him into a conversation, described in the second thread above. basically he told me he loved me but he didn't know if he wanted to stay in the relationship and he needed time to think but we were still together. well, a week passed, and we had had one really good date, but the intimacy just wasn't like it was, and in the following days he was still very distant, only giving me kisses on the cheek. i thought i could handle the waiting, but i was wrong. i was losing sleep over it and having a hard time concentrating on getting my final projects done for school, so finally i just had to know what was going on.

 

i wrote out a long e-mail that i didn't send to him, i read it out loud -- i am much better with the written word than speaking. basically i told him how very much i love him, and how i want to be with him, but if he doesn't know how he feels i can't wait around driving myself crazy. i told him that i was making the decision for him and leaving if he couldn't decide, so i could start the healing process, but that if he wanted to be with me, he could object at any time, and i'd love to stay with him. i just couldn't take calling him my "boyfriend" if all he could give me were kisses on the cheek. he didn't object. he barely said anything at all, just sat there looking depressed. i cried a lot, he cried a little. then he said the words i needed to hear, which was that he was just not feeling it right now, that he didn't know what was wrong with him, he felt "icy" and he couldn't expect me to wait around to see if he would ever thaw. he did want to stay good friends, though. i told him i'm not planning on dating anyone else, and if he finds that he loves me enough to be 100% with me, he could approach me about it and we might take it from there.

 

that was thursday night. right after we broke up, we both tried and failed not to go out to the bar, and we ended up running into each other at the same bar (i walked there), drinking the same thing, and we laughed off the irony and toasted to "whatever" and drank together for about an hour. then he offered to give me a ride home because it was so cold. when he dropped me off he held me for a bit and said he was glad that we ran into me.

 

since then, because we work together, we have seen each other every single day.

 

friday night after work, he had saved a seat for me at the bar, and he put his arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze and a little mini-massage because i had had a really bad day. he leaned his forehead to mine for about three seconds. this is the most affection he'd shown me for weeks.

 

last night, there was this musical event that we both wanted to go to see, so i gave him a ride, since it was bitter cold for walking and parking is scarce near the venue. it was very crowded and we went our separate ways. i was kind of having a lousy time b/c of being sad, but whenever i saw him, he looked like he was having a blast with his friends. i drove him back to his car and he said he'd call me in the morning for coffee, as is our pre-work sunday tradition. i was feeling hopeful and like maybe things could work out after all, but when i got home i saw that he'd changed his online status to single and it tore me up.

 

this morning, he called and we had coffee together. i was feeling super-bummed and left before he did, and i ended up crying my eyes out in my car in the parking lot. awkwardly enough, he probably saw me, because when i finally pulled out of the lot, his car was gone, so he must have walked right past. we didn't mention it and work was busy and he was being playful with me, little flirty things.

 

so i wonder now what i should do -- since i am the one that ended it, i am guessing that it would be my responsibility to initiate a reconciliation if i want one (i want one more than anything). i am so torn, because i don't want to move on yet, but i know that the breakup was the best thing for the moment. he even told our mutual friend and co-worker that the reason it ended was that he wasn't feeling it.

 

we can't do NC because we work together, have all the same friends, go to all the same bars and restaurants, like to attend the same sort of events, and this is a small city where you run into someone you know everywhere you go.

 

and i do want to stay friends, but i admit that a lot of it is the hope that he will figure out what's wrong with him and want me back. i can tell that he still cares about me.

 

i am afraid that my breaking up with him may have wounded his pride a little and so even if he did want me back, he'd feel weird asking me about it. especially since gossip flies here and by now everyone knows what happened.

 

what should i do? should i reiterate the fact that i am open to getting back together if he feels up to it? should i stay in as close contact with him as i have been? should i wait for him to approach me? should i become colder toward him even though we both want to be at least friends? should i give up hope? or have faith in the only thing i've ever really believed in? should i keep hanging out with him in the hopes that things will progress again? i'm driving myself crazy here... ](*,)

 

he really is the sweetest guy, he's just a little messed up inside (his best female friend -- and a good friend of mine -- called him "lost" and "delicate" when i talked to her about it).

 

sorry this was so long. this is really the only place i know i can get impartial advice and i am DESPERATE to know what i should do.

[bigheart09]

silky88, do you think if you get back together with him, that things will change? Do you think he will change?

[silky88]

that's just the thing -- i know he's still in that weird place, so nothing would be different if we got back together right-this-minute. but i don't know what to do as far as level of contact/emotional investment in him and whether i should communicate how i'm feeling.

 

his personality and his behavior were never a problem up until he hit this weird funk of "iciness" very recently. his track record was spotless until then; he was the sweetest, most affectionate boyfriend i've ever had. he never did a thing wrong. so it's not like i want him to change who he is. i love almost every single thing about him.

 

and i don't know when or if he will come out of his withdrawn period, but it would be only under that circumstance that the relationship would work again. i require too much affection to be happy if he stayed distant. but i know that when he is happy, he's the best guy ever to be around.

[silentalways]

may i add my 2 cents?

 

the other night someone, a female started a thread about wanting to get back with someone and they way she wrote it was REAAAAAAALY

 

but said she said she had one concern - and it is valid and i would as well - see she said her bf was addicted to a substance and that she worried that he could not 'beat' it alone so she was not sure

 

and i told her, i don't think women realize the incredible power that comes from a woman tell a man [and the man being one that already loves and believes in her] that she not only LOVES him but BELIEVES in him - that he CAN do it [that's all that i required - trust me - I'm a guy!] I told if she just said that to her MAN, he would not only do everything required to ensure drugs never enter their life again but that he would probably give her full and complete access to the process and paperwork, appointments etc, if rehab was needed - done.

 

and u know what she said to me - thank u so much. i will tell him that. and the feeling i had, hearing that, well

 

she didn't discount my words, didn't make fun of my typos, didn't jerk around - realized thaty what i said was important

 

and man - when a woman does stuff like that - well, i felt great the rest of the night - even after i had said i would and have offered the same to my ex many times - without reply - so i told her that they will succeed because they communicate and i didn't feel sad because my ex and i never did that, because what's the point in doing that? changes nothing right?

 

i just focused on what was positive

 

i am way better and its nice to know that myself - finally

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, the 'iciness' could have lots of reasons... he could be depressed (unrelated to you), sick, drinking/drugging, feeling guilty about cheating on you (which you haven't found out about), attracted to someone else and losing interest, distracted about school, work, whatever.

 

the point is, you need to really talk to him and run through all the possibilities to try to get a sense of what is really going on... if he just says 'i dunno' about what's really wrong and why he feels this way to you, then neither of you is really trying to get to the bottom of the problem, and decide whether you should try to work it out or break up...

 

but it is VERY hard to stay friends while broken up, especially if you see each other all the time, because it is a constant reminder of loss, and confusion as to every little behavior, whether is it good or bad or sending you towards a reconciliation or away from it, etc.

 

so i suggest you talk to him more to try to get more information and awareness about what 'not feeling it anymore' means. the answer could help you make a decision about what to do. but if he doesn't want to reconcile, i suggest you NOT be such good friends, becuase that will only confuse and sadden you and get your hopes up... keep contact to a minimum, and tell him to call you if he decides he does want to date again, otherwise it is too painful and confusing for both of you to carry on like nothing has changed.

[silentalways]

i hope i am not boring people with all my posts in here. i just wanted to add another storyline to the 'is he/she into....etc. i mentioned already about the power of BELIEVING in someone - and how that translates not just for the man but the woman to.....if a MAN tells you that is all he needs from you - there is really no greater compliment a woman can received because what he is saying is really I BELIEVE IN YOU [its that flow / connection /natural thang where you don't have to break it down into details as to WHY that is - it just is!

 

now, in my case, its pretty freaking obvious which side of the street i am on - and its not a one - way - traffic goes in both directions - just like in a relationship where sometimes one drive this way and the other drive that way but they are both still on the same street driving and that's all that matters.

 

sites like these have had pros and cons for me because while they have helped me thru things they also contributed to my delusional state because i would read a post and read into things like if someone used a by-line SILENCE IS GOLDEN [silence = the ex / golden = me moniker] and then i would read things that could be addressed for me - but u start doing that when your mind has already been bruised and your faith and hope ruined and i would talk to someone about saying....yes, i know, there is nothing in there that could actually prove what i am saying, i am only going on feeling - and the more i saw things that 'looked' like, i had to fight off the desire to not believe these were related to her, because if they were, it was only more punishing to me - more torture thinking here i am 'talking' with her, but if it is, then the fact, this is the best i can do? i've hurt her that bad? and if not, then, i'm an idiot - and the continued NC made me spin in circles - all the while i was doing the work to get rid of the crap that destroy the relationship, and missing work, neglect myself and everyone, because i know, have always know that this is the key - all i need, to hear her say I BELIEVE WHAT U ARE SAYING because thats why she left - I WAS NO LONGER SOMEONE SHE TRUSTED and i couldn't live with that - it is the enabler of everything else - i lose that monkey and the rest fall safely in pieces all around me. but i also am leaving with the knowledge of what i know as fact, her 'seen' actions - any 'real attempt' at contact has resulted in serious events - given presents mean calls to police, apolgizes top daughter for making her feel frighten during my depression mean calls to the school, just showing up someqwhere that she is raises suspesion in her, i have seen the text in the court order - and which each blow i lose more of myself, and then start doing what i know will only help me in terms of releasing sorrow, so i reach out, ask for just something with no strings attached, just a sign of caring and belief, and of course nothing comes because she probably never sees these things and i internalize that pain while examining the ways i hurt her and finding solutions to rid myself of bad learned behaviours, while everything all around me is choas, friends calling police, etc. and it gets to the point where it became her hating me so much to want to never contact me and fear and hate me that i believe i am the danger, i am the one everyone needs out of their life so because i love them, and my existence is hurting them - i must remove myself without actually removing myself - and when u are that hurt and gone u don't see and understand that the RIGHT answer to that is GET THE BACK ON TRACK - BE THE MAN U WERE BUT BETTER - but when u have lost your moral and ethica compass and desrepect A REAL TRUE LOVE you can't ask them for anything and the pain builds up until u know inside all you need is to lay down beside them, hearing them breathe, just the comfort that connection shown simply with caring gives - and u think i am not even worth that. BUT then u realize they did NC so they can and i can do the work we couldn't do together and not for getting back but to get better - and that is a sign of LOVE and CARING and you slowly crawl back

[silky88]

bestrong,

 

well part of the problem and what made me end it in the first place was that he really said he didn't know what the problem was. getting him to talk about his feelings has always been like pulling teeth; he's just not a "talker" when it comes to his emotions.

 

the night i broke up with him, i said about a million things and he probably said maybe ten, most of which went like this:

 

- i feel icy and i can't expect for you to wait around until i thaw.

 

- (in response to how he feels) i just don't know.

 

- (in response to my asking him how he sees me and how he feels about the fact that 99% of our time spent together has been good) i don't know and i don't work that way... i can't add up all the times and compare them and have that convince me -- i feel with my gut and i'm just not feeling it right now.

 

- if you're asking me what's wrong with YOU, it's nothing. it's something that's wrong inside of me. and i don't know what's wrong with me.

 

- i'm sorry.

 

- you're an awesome person.

 

- i don't want to stop being friends and i still want to hang out.

 

so i HAVE tried. i've tried remaining silent so he can talk without being asked to. i've tried asking point-blank. i've tried offering suggestions of what it might be in the hopes that he'll nod to one of them. we did that all that night. i know him well enough to know that to sit him down and go through all the interrogation would only make things worse.

 

he's all for staying friends; he told me once a long time ago that when he had his heart broken, the girl wouldn't take no for an answer on being friends, and he's thankful for it because she's still one of his closest friends (this was like 7 years ago that they broke up). i really value his companionship, too, so i wouldn't want to lose him as a friend, either.

 

i know for a fact that he hasn't cheated on me. he's not in the slightest that kind of guy... never even looks at other women or hangs out with any girl that isn't a mutual friend of ours. and he was single for a very long time before we met, so it's not like he feels like he needs to be validated by getting attention from girls. we both think cheating is inexcusable.

 

i don't know. i guess the best thing for me to do is just be his friend, but hang back a bit... get used to having space between us -- not knowing where he ate tonight or what his plans are. stop asking him questions. stop going to work looking forward to seeing him. stop sending him silly e-mails of funny things i found online. refrain from excessively checking his myspace page. wait for him to call me if he wants to hang out, or for him to approach me when we see each other out.

 

this is the hardest thing in the world for me. honestly, i haven't been single for more than a month since i was 14. and in every serious relationship i ever had, i was ready for it to end when it did. so i've never really been thru this before.

 

i don't know how to stop loving him when he is right in front of me more than half the week, with his familiar mannerisms, handsome face, and body that i know like my own. when he jokes with me and looks me straight in the eye while he talks to me. when we still finish each other's sentences or steal the words from one another's mouths.

 

god, this sucks.

[supernetter]

Give love a chance. Tell him in no uncertain terms that u love him. Please do not try to change a person as they will resent you for it. Love them as they are and if u dont then its not love, maybe an infactuation to begin with.

 

The simplest ways are sometimes the most effective. Do not torture yourslef in the not knowing. Just tell him how you feel.

[silky88]

holy crap... i think i just figured it out. time will tell. thanks for all the input, guys.