Need Support...

[survivor3]

Hi all! I am new here and in tears, so please forgive if I posted this in the wrong section.

 

December 20 will be my 3 year wedding anniversary. We aren't going to make it. I just can't deal with the lying, drug use, porn and overspending anymore. I feel like a battered woman...he gets caught, cries, says he is going to stop/get help/we'll start a brand new life....whatever will get me to stay. I want so much for it to be true, but I know that it isn't. Last night I found marijuana in his pocket (after he irritably denied having used it) and it was the last straw. All of his belongings are in a pile in the bedroom and I suppose he stayed at his parents' home last night.

 

I know I am doing the right thing--I cannot save this marriage alone and he clearly does not want to make the changes in himself that it would take for it to work. However, I am plagued with all of this fear, sadness, feelings of failure. I need some help to build myself back up so that I won't "cave" when I see him this afternoon.

 

If anyone has some words of encouragement, power affirmations, ANYTHING, I would greatly appreciate it. There is nothing I wanted more than for this marriage to work....so if anyone can help me ignore that weak spot, I would be eternally grateful.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. You can definitely come here for support

 

i am sorry to hear about this. I think you are doin the right thing. If there is not honesty in your marriage, how can it ever work?

 

Did you two try marital counseling? But, if you are saying he doesn't seem to want to change, then I guess there is no point.

 

I am very sorry, but I really think you are doing the right thing. Hang in there!

[justpaisley]

My mom is a substance abuse counselor, and we were talking about the biggest factors in an addict agreeing to rehab. She said that the two biggest are a spouse threatening to leave and potential loss of a job. By putting your foot down, you may be helping him more than you know. If he doesn't agree to change his life for the better, you are out.

 

A marriage is something that TWO people need to be in, not one. It sounds as if you're the only person in it, and it will never work that way. Tell him that if he agrees to go to rehab and subsequent marital counseling immediately (as in tomorrow), you will stay. If not, you're done.

 

Listen, I'm a huge believer in doing everything possible to make a marriage work. But if my husband lied, did drugs, watched porn, or spent all our money, and then made no attempts to stop doing any of them, I'm sorry, that'd be enough. You can't be the only one willing to make changes in this marriage.

 

Big, big hugs to you. This has to be so hard. We're all here to support you.

[survivor3]

Thank you so much for your replies.

 

A little background I suppose might help....

 

He has already been to rehab. I had no idea he was an addict (as in drugs and porn) before we married. Five months into the marriage was when it began to come out. I filed for divorce then and he nearly lost his job (works for his father). He has not used cocaine since going to rehab 3 years ago, but the porn and marijuana use have not subsided.

 

The sad thing here is that he just got his job BACK. He had already lost it and almost lost me. He had a second chance...with his family and with me...and it is so painful to know that these stupid things are worth more to him than the people who love him the most.

 

I am terribly afraid. He lost his job with his father because he stole quite a significant amount of money from him. In the meantime, I was a housewife. I started a new job last Monday and he went back to work with his father. We have such a financial disaster on our hands due to his irresposibility. And my job pays pennies....his father, on the other hand, has more money than God.

 

I am scared and so disappointed. I love him so much. It is simple to call him an addict...conjures up the mental picture of a loser...but he has so many incredible qualities. I really wanted a family with him....wanted to grow old with him. But I can't keep subjecting myself to this. All those hopes and dreams are great, and when he is "behaving" I could not ask for more! That is what makes it so difficult.

 

I don't know why I feel like the bad guy. I just can't explain how much I wish I didn't have to do this....but really he has made this decision for me. If I stay I will no doubt have to face these same issues on the same regular basis....and I am just so tired. Exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Who knew that at 27 a person could be so tired.....

[justpaisley]

You're not the bad guy, and neither is he! I have a family full of addicts, and like I said, my mom is an addiction counselor. She's also a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for almost 20 years. I don't completely understand the addiction mindset, but I would never say that he's a loser just because of his addiction. I joke that I wasn't raised Christian, I was raised AA. It's true - I know more about addiction and being the family of addicts than I do about the Bible! He doesn't care more about porn and marijuana than he does his loved ones - he just can't stop without help.

 

You still can be married to him and start a family! Addictions require a lifetime of control, but with the proper treatment and maintenance of treatment (i.e. meetings, counseling) he can absolutely manage the addiction. If he has already gone to rehab and didn't apply the skills he learned while inside, he might just need a refresher course. You'll also need help, because addiction is a family illness. There's all kinds of support for families of addicts, so you are DEFINITELY not alone. link removed is for the families and friends of all kinds of addicts and generally easy to find (in fact, you might want to attend a few meetings immediately), but link removedis specifically for families and friends of drug addicts. If you can find a Nar-Anon group near you, that's good, but you'll find that addictions, no matter what kind, generally have the same effects on the addict's life and family.

 

Have you ever watched the show "Intervention" on A&E? It's all about addicts whose families have had enough, so they do interventions on the addicts. You might want to try to do something like that, or at least, look into it. Not take him on a TV show, but do an link removed. They do work. You've got to let him know that he can't keep bringing you down! He's already moved to embezzlement - how much longer before he starts stealing money from your other family members? And how much longer before he moves back to cocaine?

 

It's definitely time to put your foot down. Let him know that you can't live like this any longer, and if he refuses to go get help immediately, that you're done. He's going to bring you completely down, and you'll live this way for the rest of your life. Call his family, and some other of his (sober!) friends to see if they'll back you up and maybe help you financially. But remember, this is going to be hard work! He'll have to remain sober and work at it every single day. It's so worth it though.

 

A few success stories - like I said, my mom has been sober for 20 years. Her 20th "birthday" is March 5th. She left me and my sister with my grandma for 28 days while she went to rehab, and has attended weekly AA meetings, sometimes bi-weekly, ever since. (She also popped me and my sister in Alateen - the kids' version of Al-Anon.) My best friend's husband - the best man at my wedding - is an alcoholic and a drug addict. After they got to the point at which you seem to be now, my friend said no more and said he'd have to either move out or go to rehab. He left his 3 daughters and went to rehab, and has attended weekly, bi-weekly, tri-weekly meetings at his church ever since. He changed his lifestyle drastically - stopped hanging out with his other addict friends - and his life is so different now. When he was in full addiction, he was a JERK. I remember thinking, "why was he best man at my wedding?" Now, he's the man I know.

 

Rehab and addiction work. At the end of every AA meeting, they say "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!" It's so true. Your husband can stop this, and you can help him - but you HAVE to put your foot down.

[annie24]

wow. beautifully written paisley!

 

I have to agree, maybe you leaving might be the best thing in the world for him. It just might be the kick in the pants he needs to get his life together.

[survivor3]

I completely agree with all that you included in your post. However, he seems to be back and forth on whether he even thinks these things are a problem and something he should work on (meaning that the *main* problem in his eyes is that *I* have a problem with it.)

 

When he was in rehab, I attended local Al-Anon meetings on a weekly basis. We are in a rural area, so there are no Naranon meetings for me here.

 

His family and I did an intervention with him before he went to rehab the first time. But admittedly, he only went because he knew I would divorce him and his family would have nothing more to do with him if he didn't. As I said, there are no NA chapters locally and he tried attending some AA meetings, but they were not welcoming to him since he is not an "alcoholic."

 

I just feel as though I have been trying to help and trying to wait....encouraging, supporting, everything I can think of. I am so angry and disappointed, though. I am really at the point of feeling that he has done so much damage to our marriage that there is no way to salvage it at this point.

 

I have thrown him out before. The last time was only a week ago. For the past three years, he completely backslides about every 3 months. I can always tell something is going on, but he is a VERY high-functioning addict and one of the best manipulators I have ever met. Even the director of the inpatient rehab said that he is one of the best they had dealt with in regards to "selling" his story. However, lately it has become a constant issue. The lying. Making up reasons to leave the house. When he came home last night and leaned in to kiss me, I could smell marijuana on him. I said something and he became defensive and adamantly denied it. When he was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, I reached into his pants pocket to retrieve the lighter he swiped out of the livingroom and pulled out rolling papers and weed.

 

I am tired of being "that girl" who just buys into the lies. After the big falling out last week, he even said he felt that I was an enabler because he is able to manipulate me into staying every time he messes up. And as much as I hate it, he is probably right. He followed that up with saying he wanted a divorce because he needs to work on his issues. Then decided that leaving me was not going to solve all his problems. I am just at a loss. I can't win for losing.....

 

It almost seems as though he is pushing me to divorce him. When I told him last night to get his things, he said it would take him some time b/c he wanted to get everything so he wouldn't have to come back. I am just so hurt by all of this. I have been a good wife to him, a good woman to him. I have stood by him through thick and thin but I can't love this out of him. It just hurts the deepest parts of my soul to know that he would rather have his fantasy life of drugs and porn than me. And if I stay, there is no way he will respect me. I don't know that I would be able to respect myself.

 

I hate that I have lost so much. I'm losing my best friend, the future I had envisioned for us, my faith in myself and my own decision-making, life as I have known it for the past 3 years. I am trying so hard not to go down Memory Lane, because it takes me to such a sorrowful place. I swore I would never allow anyone to hurt me this bad ever again. And yet, here I am......

[survivor3]

And I am SO angry that my heart has to be broken in the process of "helping" him! I am angry that I feel like the casualty here. Why, after all I have done, all the efforts, all the emotions, all the time that I have put into this, do *I* have to be the one to be broken???

[survivor3]

Well he came and retrieved his belongings. He was back and forth between being nice (I will take care of the bills) and nasty. Even his best friend told him he was an idiot. Part of what hurts me the most is that he almost seems to want this. Yesterday he told his best friend that he feared that I would divorce him after we got our finances situated. Yet he came home with drugs in his pocket and the smell on his clothes knowing it would cause the end of our marriage. He commented to the same friend this morning that oh, he just got married too young, blah blah....it wasn't his fault, wasn't my fault....

 

I swear he is a sociopath. He just doesn't seem to feel any emotion. He told me how sorry he was, but it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. He claims that he does not want to hurt me and that he is so sorry for hurting me again and again. I wish that were true!! Oh how I wish he would WAKE UP!!

 

I have to go forward with this. If I allow him to come back, I know the rest of my life would be the same as it has been for the past 3 years. I want a stable marriage built on trust. It just kills me that I cannot have that with him....

[justpaisley]

And I am SO angry that my heart has to be broken in the process of "helping" him! I am angry that I feel like the casualty here. Why, after all I have done, all the efforts, all the emotions, all the time that I have put into this, do *I* have to be the one to be broken???

 

Because when he's facing a tough time and is scared or hurt, he can just go smoke pot, and that eases his mind. You, on the other hand, are left to deal with the fallout in a mature fashion.

 

I think you should probably head to some Al-Anon meetings to help you through this. This will be a tough road, and he'll more than likely blame you throughout it. Support from others in your position will also help you to keep strong in whatever you do decide to do. Do you have any nearby places of worship that you're comfortable attending? Many large churches, I know, have support for families of addicts as well, and those are usually more generalized. They also rarely, if ever, require you to be a member.

 

Does his family still support him financially at all, and if so, is there any chance they'd completely cut him off? Are they on your side in this? This guy really needs a rock bottom. Or a kick in the bottom. Whatever comes first.

 

I think it's sad that the AA members weren't welcoming to him, that's very unusual. Is that just what he told you, or did you witness it yourself firsthand?

 

I really hope you have some financial help, or are able to get a second job or a better job. I'm feeling so awful for you through this. Whatever he told you, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may well be an enabler, but that doesn't mean you're rolling the joint, lighting it, putting it in his mouth, and forcing him to inhale. You're not downloading porn and taping his eyes open and tying him to the office chair. Most importantly, you're not keeping him from getting the help he needs. Were you ever told the 3 Cs? You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. You have no control over his addiction - you only control what YOU do.

 

I think you're very strong, but clearly very sad. I think it's fantastic that you realize that your marriage will be fraught with uncertainty and distrust should you allow this to continue, instead of thinking that love will conquer all or something. That's why I think it'd be best for you to seek some counseling, at least in the form of Al-Anon meetings, until whatever happens is done happening. And should the two of you work things out and he goes to rehab, don't ever give up on Al-Anon meetings. They provide YOU with the support YOU need, just like he needs support from weekly meetings.

 

*hugs*

[survivor3]

I can't thank you enough for you kindness and encouragement. I will go to my Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday.

 

I found out yesterday that he has even gotten high in front of the 16 year old boy that we are taking care of (he will stay with me). It makes me sick. What should have been an innocent, fun time to simply spend together was turned into at best a terrible role model situation and at worst a scary, potentially dangerous situation for a 16 year old who is living with us because his own father is an addict.

 

I know there is going to be so much more to come out and to be honest, I really don't want to know. I feel like I know enough to know what I need to do and would prefer to not be tortured with the information that tends to be "shared" well after the fact.

 

This morning I will contact an attorney and get the filing process started. I am still up and down, but trying to hang onto the anger, resentment, and betrayal that I feel--at least there is strength I can use in those emotions rather than feeling helpless and scared. I am glad to be working again....I will be busy during the day today so as not to spend so much time thinking about this constantly.

 

Please continue to post to me....It helps tremendously just to be able to vent as things come up, as emotions change, and know that someone is listening and cares. Thank you all so much for that.

 

Melissa

[annie24]

hey melissa - I am glad that you are taking steps to get yourself and the 16 year old out of the situation. it is not healthy for either of you!

 

good luck this week (((HUGS)))

[survivor3]

So I contacted a former boyfriend of mine who was a prosecutor and now an attorney to get some recommendations of a local lawyer. Have made calls all day, but no appointment yet.

 

Got a voicemail from a loan company through which husband got a loan to pay some of our crucial bills when he was out of work. He told me the first payment would not be due until after the first of the year. The voicemail said that the first payment was due today and basically that the payment needed to be in their office, or else....called him at work and got his friend, who said he was on the phone. I just gave the message to his friend to pass along (this is the same friend who toldhim he was a moron). He called me back during lunch to tell me he had contacted them and the payment had been made.

 

He asked me if I had met with an attorney yet and I told him that I had made numerous calls, but was waiting for a response about an appt. Told him that it sounded like it would all depend on whether we could reach an agreement about the finances and the debt that he has gotten us so deeply mired in. He said he would take all of the debts...except for my car. Told him I would still need to talk to an attorney to figure out what steps to take....He told me he didn't want to hurt me.....

 

As it stands, my car payment is $470/mo, which I will not be able to afford on my salary as it is now. However, I can't trade down for a cheaper car because he has ruined our credit. I met with an attorney friend of mine this afternoon (who does not handle divorces) and she at least gave me some things to start working on.

 

He called me at home this evening from his cell and I could tell he was in the car. He again asked if I had seen an attorney. I told him I was still waiting for an appt. He told me that if I wanted, I could just have them draw up the papers to include him being responsible for all of the debts as we had discussed. I guess I didn't really respond b/c he said "Or we could do something else....whatever is fine." It was bizarre the way the conversation went....the only way I can describe it is that he sounded like he always does, calling me on his way home from work to ask what I want to do for dinner. As in, I could pick us up a pizza....or something else. Whatever is fine. Just let me know when you know." Told him I would. He said to tell D (the 16 y/o) Hi. Told him I would. That was it. It was really strangely sad and unnerving.

 

Decided I needed to get out a bit, so I took D to Walmart and we got groceries and such. I just got home and checked the caller ID....My mom, my girlfriend, D's half-brother, and a number belonging to one of my husband's co-workers/friends. I checked the voicemail and it was my husband saying Hello? Hello? Hello? as though he couldn't hear.

 

WHY is he CALLING me?!?!?! I told him I would call him when I knew something...there is no reason for him to be contacting me as though he were just out and about and calling to check in or whatever. If I had not just started this new job, I would load the puppies and D in the car and head up to my mom's for a while. Not that it would solve anything, but maybe I could clear my head a bit.....

 

Any thoughts on all of this? I just don't understand how he seems the same to me even though this is going on.....I don't want him to be mean or cold, but this is really weird.

[survivor3]

He is just hunky-dory about all of this. I don't understand how someone that supposedly loved me suddenly is not impacted at all by the dissolution of the marriage. I can't help but feel as though the past three years have been nothing but a lie. Either that or he is just a narcissistic sociopath with no emotion.....I'm beginning to think it may even be the latter.

[thunder_kiss]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. He is numb to everything that is going on because of the drugs. He probably thinks this is short term punishment for what he has done to you and you will take him back eventually. What you need to think about is yourself right now. I understand that it hurts and you love him. You also need to realize that a relationship can't work if it is only one sided. He needs to make himself better before he can give any part of himself to you.

[Rabican]

A marriage takes two... and if he wont make the changes, and they sound like simple ones to me (dont use drugs) then you shoudlnt feel a failure for ending it. You are not his keeper, or owner, or master, you are his lover, wife, friend etc. You can only do so much. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, and either change for real, or face the reality that you shouldnt, and wont keep putting up with his crap.

 

Dont take his burden, and problems onto your shoulders... If I were you, I could hold my head up knowing that I was making the right choice, walk away.

[justpaisley]

Survivor3 - I haven't posted in a while, Christmastime is BUSY!!!

 

I'm so sorry that your husband is being so distant about this. He could see his "lifestyle" as desirable and see you as an impediment. He could know that he doesn't want help and know that he doesn't want to subject you to his lifestyle anymore. Or he could be a narcissistic sociopath with no emotion. I just think he's an addict, and this isn't really him you're dealing with. Addicts are not themselves unless they're sober and have been for a while.

 

I'm sorry that your marriage is ending, it's got to be so heartbreaking for you. I really hope that you have some financial help, or are able to find another job that pays more than pennies.

 

Stay strong, don't give in if your husband comes crawling back, unless he agrees to go to an extended rehabilitation program. That's the only way your marriage would work.

 

*hugs*

[survivor3]

So today is supposed to be our anniversary...kind of a sad day, really. Haven't heard from him at all though...