What if you're not excited about your own wedding?

[RockChickKim]

Hey,

 

You may have read a little about the problems I am having with my fiancee's in-laws who forced us to postpone our wedding for many reasons:

 

 

 

The future IL's are now showing an interest in our wedding, but the issue is now that I've lost interest because of all the problems, troubles and trauma they've put us through.

 

Is the fact I'm not really that excited about my own wedding mean maybe I should suggest that we postpone it again, but this time to help us, not to suck up to his folks?

 

We already cohabite and since his folks made us postpone, the estimated costs have risen and risen. We would both prefer just to spend our money on a vacation or on some other cool stuff or ourselves. We don't want to be in debt by paying some towards a larger wedding. Plus I still can'tstand his folks as they refused to apologise to me and my folks, so I kinda find it hard planning a now-happier wedding.

 

Kim

[BellaDonna]

Sometimes if you experience a lot of stress, you will just become numb. It sounds like that's what's happening to you. It happened to me when I was planning my wedding.

 

Although I was very happy to be getting married to my husband, I can recall a feeling of "I can't wait until this wedding is OVER!!!!!" I was sick of planning it, sick of getting petty phone calls from relatives about where they wanted to sit- and ...."did I invite" this one or that one.

 

In fact both of our heads were spinning and we just wanted to get past the wedding part and have a nice honeymoon where we could escape everyone. Even after we were back from the honeymoon we went into hiding for about a week and didn't answer the phone. We didn't HAVE to listen to relatives anymore....the wedding was over and we had our freedom and sanity back.

 

Relatives (even the best and most caring ones) can sometimes turn the joy of a wedding into pure Hell during the planning process. They tend to forget that it's about the COUPLE....

 

If you and your fiance like to travel, maybe it would be best for you to take a trip together and elope on a tranquil beach somewhere.

 

If I could do it all again, thats' how I'd do it.

 

 

BellaDonna

[justpaisley]

I really think you should reconsider marrying the guy. Your bf's mom sounds a LOT like my mother-in-law, but my husband doesn't bend over backwards to please her. If he did, he never would have married me - she said I was "worthless" because I didn't have a college education and that I would never be anything but a drain on his finances. Luckily, he realizes that she's a bit of a coo-coo, and he's smart enough to make his own decision.

 

If your bf were more enthusiastic about marrying you, you'd be enthusiastic about marrying him, no matter what the family said about it. The fact that they've already interfered to the point that you've postponed your own marriage speaks volumes towards what your future looks like. What happens when you want to have children - will your bf let his family stick their nose in enough to where he wants to postpone that? What if you're offered a great job in another part of the country? Do you think they won't interfere? I used those as examples because these are things my MIL has stepped in on, and my husband promptly shut her down. My husband has let my MIL know several times under no uncertain terms that we are adults and entirely capable of making our own decisions, and that we're living happily and responsibly. He's 29, but if he let her make all his decisions, she would do it in a second. She doesn't seem to understand that he's an adult now.

 

IF his parents had a basis for not liking you (drug use, an icky past, being abusive to him, etc.) then I'd be singing a different tune. Your bf either really needs to stand up to his parents and let them know that he's a big boy now and they need to stay out of his life, or you need to settle for the fact that his parents are going to dominate the rest of your lives together.

[caro33]

Sounds like the whole thing has been poisoned to a large degree now, and I completely understand how you might be feeling. I'm not sure you're going to feel any better any time soon, to be honest. The questions people ask, the involvement, the painful conversations well-meaning people want to have with you about what you're planning and "are you excited?" just get worse. I was geting asked several times a day toward the date of my wedding and all I could do was grimace and nod. And that was a stress free wedding where everyone played well together, but you develop your own stresses about the commitment, the day going right etc. You need to be in a place of some emotional strength and comfort with everything to handle it comfortably.

 

I think that if your guts are screaming 'no!' at this stage, listen to them. After what you've been put through on this, you have some credits to use here. You have every right to smile sweetly then just say that you guys are going to put all current plans on hold, forget about it for a while and enjoy each other. Shut anyone and everyone down who asks you, with a pleasant a "thanks for asking, we're not sure what we'll do but we'll let you know".

 

Just give it time, get some space from this. Why not. You can get married whenever you want. No need to let selfish people suck the life out of it or ruin it for you. The (justified) doubts you have been having would also warrant it: take some mental time off this issue and then reevaluate.

[unface]

Elope. You'll be able to use all that money and have a nice, long, expensive honeymoon.

 

The is about you and him, not your families.

[annie24]

I agree 100%!!!!!!

[bitbit]

i had problems with my boyfriend's mom in the beginning of out relationship. she'd ask him abouot his ex g/f right in front of me, if i was around her and him, she'd only talk to him and completely ignore any of my comments to her, she put up a picture that my b/f took down of him and his ex on prom in full display in his room. she was awful. eventually, i just gave up. my boyfriend knows i don't like her and that i don't want to be around her, but now she's decided that she wants to "try" to get to know me. as far as i'm concerned, it's too late. she had her chance and lost it. there's no way i would put up with that amoun of disrespect from my fiance's family. what did you do that was so horribly awful that you just had to postpone your OWN wedding a year? i think you should stop worrying about your in-laws and worry about what you and your fiance want to do. it's not their wedding and i wouldn't care what they want.

[annie24]

if your bf's mom is extending you an olive branch, why not try to make peace with her? Almost all people go through something similar with their SO's parents.

 

If you and your bf stay together and get married, you will be dealing with his mom for the next 60 years of your life, so you may as well try to make those 60 years a bit more pleasant.

[bitbit]

if your bf's mom is extending you an olive branch, why not try to make peace with her? Almost all people go through something similar with their SO's parents.

 

If you and your bf stay together and get married, you will be dealing with his mom for the next 60 years of your life, so you may as well try to make those 60 years a bit more pleasant.

 

everything his mom did was completely intentional. i treat her son like a king and in no way did i deserve that kind of treatment from her. i'm not a forgiving person in the least. if she wanted to "try" to get to know me, she should have done it while i was extending my hand out to her. she was too jealous to realize that i'm actually a really nice person who would have done anything for her son. my mom calls my boyfriend "son-in-law" and tells him she loves him. my mom has been nothing but accepting and loving to him, often times taking HIS side in an argument when i call her. maybe one day i'll feel differently about this, but for now... i don't even want to say hi to her.

[annie24]

I don't want to hijack the original poster's thread..... but you have one thing that the original poster doesn't.... it sounds like your bf's mother is willing to get to know you. Maybe she sees now that she was too harsh towards you in the beginning. I think I can see her point. When you have a son one day, you won't think that any woman is good enough for him, not even a princess.

 

I think she is coming around, and that is something really great. so why don't you try making peace with her? As the saying goes, "To err is human, but to forgive, divine."

[RockChickKim]

Annie - I guess one could also say that my future parents-in-law are coming round and trying to make peace, by now showing interest in our wedding plans and starting to repair things with my folks by inviting them for Christmas and so on.

 

But since they started showing an interest in the wedding, they have still not once spoken to me or my folks and last time I saw his folks, I diplomatically apologised for any part I have played in the friction (even though I've done nothing wrong), but his folks refused to apologise for anything they have said or done to me and my folks and they said they will continue to speak their mind.

 

It's my fiancee's mom's birthday soon and my fiancee wants me to spend the day with his folks, to please them. But they still haven't really shown me that they've changed so I don't want to go. Fair enough, right?

 

Bit Bit - sorry to hear about your situation! It sounds like you have tried to be friendly with his mom but she just didn't want to know. Maybe she is extending an olive branch peace offering a little, so don't be too cold to her, but I think the massive improvement should come from her, not from you, as you have tried to be friendly.

 

Kim

[bitbit]

It's my fiancee's mom's birthday soon and my fiancee wants me to spend the day with his folks, to please them. But they still haven't really shown me that they've changed so I don't want to go. Fair enough, right?

 

Kim

 

i think it's totally fair. why should you have to be around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable? would she show up on your birthday? it's not fair of your guy to ask you to go, either.

[annie24]

I think that if they invited you, and you turn it down, you will just be causing more friction between them.

 

If you are trying to smooth things out, then you should go. If you want to keep being in their bad graces, sit in the corner and pout.

[heartbaby14]

I think that if they invited you, and you turn it down, you will just be causing more friction between them.

 

If you are trying to smooth things out, then you should go. If you want to keep being in their bad graces, sit in the corner and pout.

 

There is a larger issue at stake here and that is your bf's behavior. Does he stand up for you or does he always take his parents' side? You are the one who is going to be his wife. You have to come first.

 

My first boyfriend's family really disliked me for no apparent reason and made no secret of it. They were openly rude to me and he never stood up for me. I would never marry into a family where everyone is against me, even my bf. You need to make sure that your fiancé understands that you have to come first. On a side note, I no longer to need to worry about it. My fiancé's family lives on a different continent!

[annie24]

There is a larger issue at stake here and that is your bf's behavior. Does he stand up for you or does he always take his parents' side? You are the one who is going to be his wife. You have to come first.

 

excellent point. I mean, yes, in time, they (the poster and the in laws) should try to smooth things over with each other, but the most important thing is that the fiancee needs to treat kim as his #1. That is what marriage is about, and part of the promise - you are making your spouse the #1 person in your life, above even your own parents. If he isn't ready to do that, he isn't ready to get married.

 

Now, definitely, as you can tell, I am all for peace making and compromise, but a wife shouldn't feel like she is competing with his mother and father.