Argh.

[Caldus]

So recently I've been in a friends with benefits situation with some girl, but lately she's apparently been hanging out with this other guy a lot too. I don't even know if they're doing anything romantic or sexual or anything but it's bothering the **** out of me either way lately. She never hangs out with me more than 3 days a week (says that it's "unhealthy" to hang out too much) and she's already hung out with this other guy 3 times this week and wants to hang out with him again this weekend. What the heck, that pisses me off man...

[Aurian]

Well, you said its friends with benefits, eh? You're not dating or exclusive. Perhaps she wants to find a relationship.

 

Are you feeling pissed because you think you want something more, or is it because you don't want to lose what you have now?

[Caldus]

I think I want something more (which sucks), and the fact that she's saying this **** to me and then doing the complete opposite with some other guy. Damn hypocrite. I think I am just overreacting though, because they're probably just friends anyway (she's not looking for a relationship -- she just broke up with someone recently).

 

Blah ... I don't know ...

[Aurian]

Hmm... toughie. My advice to you would differ depending on whether she wanted a relationship or a friend in this new guy. Maybe its best to think that he is just a friend, and drop hints that you might like something more?

 

*pats your back* Sorry you're having a rough night. Emotions are hard sometimes!

[Caldus]

LOL tell me about it. Basically my brain works like the following (pseudocode):

 

If

Get jealous and angry.

[Caldus]

Hmm... toughie. My advice to you would differ depending on whether she wanted a relationship or a friend in this new guy. Maybe its best to think that he is just a friend, and drop hints that you might like something more?

 

*pats your back* Sorry you're having a rough night. Emotions are hard sometimes!

 

Yeah maybe, but she really isn't looking for a relationship right now. She just got out of a 4 year relationship earlier this year.

[Anna.]

Yeah, I feel you. Friends w/ benefits is very tricky business.

 

If you have feelings for her, then if you continue to just be FWBs, there's a good chance of you getting hurt.

 

Even though she just got out of a relationship, is there a chance she might wanna date?

[Fisch]

Hey man my sympathies for your situation. Just dont let yourself be taken advantage of. Consider that if you continue to be her friend with benefits you may get more attached with a greater risk of getting hurt if she "dumps" you. You will also have to continue dealing with her other relationships with other men. You are not getting everything you want from the relationship then make your goal to do so. If you are unhappy in the situation you are in you have yourself to blame if you do nothing about it whether that be cutting it off or getting her to commit.

[Caldus]

Yeah I mean I don't even know yet whether she's been fooling around with him or not. She said that she was almost late to work the other day because she got back from his place really late at night (gah why did she have to say all of that, lol).

[Caldus]

Then again, they could've just been talking or whatever. Then again, I could be trying to make myself feel better.

[heloladies21]

Signs point to her having interest in this guy and it would be no surprise if they have already been intimate. But you can't be upset with her because you knew the terms of the arrangement going in that the both of you are free to do whatever with whoever no explanations necessary.

 

One day she will leave you for some other guy who is serious about her and who she can be serious about too and that day may be very soon.

[Caldus]

I just wish she wouldn't be so hypocritical about everything though. Telling me that we hang out "too much" and then she goes off to hang out with this guy for 3 times as long as we usually hang out. I think that's the main thing I'm pissed off about.

[krnswte143]

FWB never work out in the long run because one or other will build emotions and feelings. TRUST me ive been in that situation myself and guess what my bf broke up with me a month and he wants to sleep with me and i siad NO! why would u let someone use your body for their own pleasure? I think that is so wrong! right now I am so hurt that my ex that i love wants to sleep with me only.............not a good feeling i tell ya.

 

 

well, i hope everything goes well ..but maybe u should start lookin for a relationship if u are ready

[heloladies21]

Putting the blame on her is pointless because all of her actions are a reaction to your own.

[Caldus]

Putting the blame on her is pointless because all of her actions are a reaction to your own.

 

I haven't done anything like that to her...

[heloladies21]

Ok lemme put it another way, you can't complain because all of her actions are a reaction to your own.

[Caldus]

She seems to be ignoring me lately or something ... not even responding to my email or anything yet this week. Probably still hanging out with the other guy, because apparently it is so much "healthier" to spend the whole damn week with him and unhealthy to spend more than 5 minutes with me. I am so pissed off at her right now. It's not even about the other guy anymore (at least not right now).

[heloladies21]

Why would it ever be about the other guy? I mean, what does he owe you? It's not like dating is a team sport, but you're not even in a relationship with this girl so he's not sticking it to you in that sense either.

 

She's only acting as expected. No girl is ever going to seriously consider a FWB as a serious relationship and it just serves to pass time till she can find a guy who's serious about her and she can be serious about. This is the way the world works and you knew going into this that it was a possible (or expected) outcome.

 

You can't be mad at her, she owes you nothing and is free to do as she pleases with no explanation necessary. But don't get the situation wrong either, this is all a result of your actions.

[Caldus]

I don't know. I think I am just overreacting again just because she hasn't replied to me promptly like she used to.

 

What was I supposed to do? Tell her that I want to be serious with her? She claims that she is not ready for anything serious right now. I want to be serious with her. So should I still tell her anyway?

[heloladies21]

Of course my man, this is what you should've told her from the beginning. This is about what you want, not what she wants.

 

And don't buy her excuse, it's BS that I can see right through (yes right here from hundreds of miles away on a computer screen I can see this). I'm sorry to say, but it was a test that I have received and failed at so many times before I finally understood what a girl really means when she says something like this. She like all available women are looking for that one guy to whom they can put all their love into, so all she is doing is trying to get you to express your true feelings to her. But since you haven't done so, she is looking elsewhere. So you better get on it, come clean with her so you have no regrets and no doubt as to her true intentions, but waiting any longer and she will surely be gone (if it's not too late already).

[mo]

why don't you find out first? otherwise you'll be crazy man!

[Caldus]

So even though she has expressed to me many times that she isn't looking for anything serious, I should still tell her how I feel? Is she really 'testing' me? She doesn't really seem like the type that would do that, but then again, I am still learning about women.

[heloladies21]

If you don't tell her how you feel right now, then she's gonna leave you probably for this guy she's talking to. It might even be too late already so you should probably get on it.

 

I can promise you one thing though, for now and for the future. If you bottle up how you feel for a girl, she will eventually drop you. And FWB never works to turn into a full blown relationship.

[Caldus]

My gut feeling was right you guys ... she is with him romantically (but not in any kind of relationship right now). Apparently the guy is a lot older than me and she seems to be more attracted to older guys as far as relationships go, etc. I asked her if I ever had an opportunity and she said no. She was only just sexually attracted to me for a while and we did sexual activities for a while until she started to lose the sexual feelings for me. So I am just glad that I didn't miss out on any opportunities at least. I am happy for her. I really am. I want her to be happy. I have no right to be mad at her guys. I really don't. In fact, I told her I want her to be happy with whoever she ends up with. She deserves someone wonderful. I just want to at least remain good friends with her if at all possible. It sounds like she is willing to but I don't know if she can spend as much time with me. I think I can get used to that eventually though. She said that it wasn't ever going to get serious anyway. Just a 'fling'. And that's OK.

 

Oh, and I told her my feelings (as the post implies I guess). I am just glad I got them off my chest regardless of whether she had the same feelings for me or not. I would've gone insane otherwise. I actually feel better than I did before I found all of this out ironically enough.

[Caldus]

heloladies, I should've listened to you a long time ago. I guess I was just desperate for intimacy at the time, but now I am craving an actual relationship.