Can this dysfunctional relationship be saved? PLEASE HELP!

[chardonna8]

For the past few years I've been single and dating as many guys as I pleased(nothing serious), sometimes 3 guys at a time, but I wasn't honest with them to let them know they were 1 of 3. Anyway, 8 months ago I met a different guy, an absolutely great guy. To make a long story short, I was deceitful in the beginning of our relationship because I still had contact with a guy I had been dating previously, and concealing things such as an abortion that I had the day of our 3rd date (father was the previous guy, I didn't tell my new perfect guy until 5 months later), and also lying about how much I had to drink at the bar (to avoid a fight w/New Perfect Guy who hated me drinking-with good cause, its only gotten me in trouble). So all the lies came out in the 5th-7th months of our relationship, almost every week we'd have a confrontation where he'd demand to know what I had lied about, I'd tell him half truths or no story at all, and say it was everything. This happened probably about 8 times. Finally, there's nothing left to tell. My new perfect guy has metamorphosed into an emotional and once, a physical abuser. He's working on that and I'm working on being honest (so far, so good, even when it's hard). But he also doesn't trust me at all because in the past I've been a big flirt and all the lying. Also, New Perfect Guy went home from the bar twice with other women this past month because things are looking so hopeless with me. He's actually respectable, though, and before he found out about all of this treated me wonderfully. I want so badly to make him happy. He thinks that I can't say no to people and is afraid that if an attractive man would hit on me that I wouldn't be able to just say "I have a boyfriend, thanks." I know I can, though my track record is not good, this weekend I was at a bar with a friend (had one drink to keep her company) and a guy hit on me, I told him I had a boyfriend and we talked for 5-10 mins about my boyfriend. No flirting. And that was it. But if I should get hit on again, I wouldn't talk to him at all cause it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable. I guess my question is, first, can this relationship be saved? And secondly, any advice you can give is greatly appreciated. I know it sounds very dysfunctional and miserable, but when we're happy, our relationship is so amazing that I'm fighting for it. Thanks.

[Princess777]

Hi Chardonna,

 

First of all, thank you for allowing us to review your post. I commend you for being so honest about your lying. That is a great indication that you want to improve yourself!!!! While reading your post, I was wondering how old you are. Evidently you are at least 21. Lying has become more than just a problem for others, it seems to be a problem that you cannot control for some reason. Do you know WHY you lie and cannot tell the truth? Do you know WHY it is difficult to be faithful or to just tell a guy that's hitting on you flat out, "Sorry, not interested" and turn the other way without making conversation? It's not hard to do, and they'll get the hint. You don't have to talk 30 seconds, let alone 5-10 minutes. To me, anything more than saying "Not interested" is flirting. Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. If he lied to you as much as you have to him, how would you feel? His behavior is perfectly understandable, less the physical abuse. You don't have to be subjected to that. But in his defense, lying is something that most people cannot tolerate and it brings out the worst reactions.

 

I would advise you to read books on self-control and self-confidence, and of course you knew you were going to hear this one: get professional counseling if you can afford it. I would sit him down and apologize honestly (only if you mean it) for your past behavior, tell him you realize you have this problem but you want to make things right so you are taking steps to correct it. You may be better off taking some time off from men while you sort yourself out. Good luck...

 

Princess777

[chardonna8]

Thanks for the input Princess, it's greatly appreciated. I'm 22 years old. As for the lying, some of the time I was covering up things he wouldn't like about me(though now knows), and other times it was simply to avoid a fight (my boy has quite a temper). But I've been completely honest for a while now, it's just all the lying that had been done already. My boyfriend has the same view as you as any further talking is constituted as flirting. I should have seen it that way. But I know I can tell a guy no thanks that's hitting on me, and I've been pretty faithful to my guy (though in the beginning there was cheating in the sense that my ex slept in my bed twice before my boy and I had an actual commitment.) As for my boyfriend lying to me, he tried that to make me see how awful it feels, but clearly that doesn't work and I can't get mad because I did the same to him. I care so incredibly much about him and he just wants to believe in me. But he never gives me support, always says that I can't change and I'm just a liar, a cheat, and a whore. I don't know. If possible I'm going to get help, and as I said I'm no longer lying, just trying to be with this guy if he'll let me. but can we fix all this damage? Thank you so much for the input.

[Princess777]

Chardonna,

 

Covering up for things he might not like sounds like you were ashamed of what you did. So think about things more before you do them, i.e. ask yourself questions all the time. For instance, when you're out and about, ask yourself, "If my b/f was here right now, would he approve of the way I was acting?" or better yet, not to be such a people pleaser, "Do I really feel proud of the way I am acting? Do I command respect everywhere I go, and do people look up to me? Maybe asking yourself these questions will help build your self esteem where you don't have to lie to seem like someone else. Glad to hear you're not lying like you were. That's a really bad habit that turns people away quickly. As for the guy, all you can do is tell him the TRUTH from now on, ask him to give you a chance to prove to him that you're serious about respecting him. If he gives you that chance, it is his choice. Unfortunately you cannot control others, you can only tell them what you prefer to happen. Good luck!!!!!

 

Princess777

[lucy001]

You are saying in your post that he's wonderful but I haven't heard any specifics about him. I've heard about verbal and physical abuse. I also wonder why you would want to be with someone where you can't be yourself, not that everything you've done is perfect. When I was your age (41 now), I wasn't ready to settle down and basically had the same behavior. I met some wonderful men during those years but I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time. So, just something to think about, you may just be "sowing your oats" right now.

If you didn't have a committment at the beginning of your relationship, I wouldn't have worried about seeing the other guy at the time. Once you made your committment, you cut everything off. Believe me, we all have skeletons in our closets. If you're definitely serious about making a long term committment to this guy then change your behavior. Expect that it will take him some time to get used to your new behavior, expect to build the trust he needs in you on your own. Let him vent. After a period of time, he'll see the change and your relationship will be on the road to a healthy one. Hope this helps.