What is she really saying?

[ProphetSword]

I'll try not to make this too long:

 

I really like this girl that I've been friends with for almost a year. She was seeing another guy at our workplace for a while, and he turned out to be a real jerk (I cannot even discuss the evil things that he did to her). At one point, they broke up and she told me about it. I waited a bit, and then told her I was interested in her.

 

What I didn't know was that they had decided to work things out. So, when I asked her out, she told me she was seeing somebody but if she hadn't been, she'd be "way interested." I found out later she got back with the guy.

 

A month or two passes, and the relationship ends (which is easy to see considering he continued to be a real evil person instead of changing). She becomes really flirty. I'm confused by this.

 

One night, I go to see her at work, and it is revealed that she is interested in me and that what she'd said when I told her I was interested in her was still true...that if she wasn't seeing anyone she would be "way interested."

 

So, we make plans to get together on Monday night. But, I call her on Sunday, and she ends up wanting me to come out then. Even though there was some affection (kissing, hugging...), she started to be a little bit stand-offish and told me that she wasn't ready for this. She then revealed things about her past relationship I didn't know about...and I can tell you that the previous guy was *real* evil to her...to the point that if I ever turn a corner and find him there, I'll probably punch him in the face.

 

She tells me that she needs time.

 

So, I still see her on Monday (as per our plan), and I give her a lot of space. Halfway through the night, we discuss all of this, and she says what she wants from me right now is just to be friends. She says she knows this because she has issues. She thought she was ready, but she knows she's not, and she doesn't want to hurt me. She tells me she's intersted in me and she really likes me...that I could even be someone to her...but it's just not what she wants right now.

 

And after we talked about this, and I agreed that it was cool to give her room and time to get over her issues before pursuing anything between us...she got more affectionate (no kissing...but she would rub my back, touch me, get playful...) And she'd ask me questions about...what I think about marriage...do I want kids...etc. I had a great time...but we're not really even dating because of these issues. She even walked me out to my car, and we hugged.

 

At one point, she even asked me: "Do you think I'm pretty?" And I looked at her and said: "I told you yesterday that you were pretty." Her response: "Yeah, but you could have just been saying that..."

 

I'm used to being hurt by girls. They love to lie to me, it seems. And this girl has all the qualities I want in someone. I'm curious to know if after I suggested giving her time (I was the one who brought it up anyway) if she's still really interested. The way she was asking about if she's pretty makes me think that she thought I may have been coming onto her the day before with the intention of sleeping with her...and now she might be trying to see where my intentions are.

 

I don't want to cling to a false hope. So, any women out there with opinions would really be great. If a girl goes through a really traumatic relationship, is it possible she can really like someone...but not want to pursue them because they don't want to hurt them? Or, is she just being nice to me and telling me that she just wants to be friends, and the whole thing is just an excuse?

[sabena]

Ok, well I know some people will say that she is messing with your feelings but from your post I get the impression that she has been very hurt in the past and is guarding her emotions right now. Also, a lot girls who have recently come out of relationships will seek the comfort and flattery of another guy. This is not to say that she is using you, but you are a good friend already to her and she just needs her self esteem boosted and that is why she is asking your opinion about her prettiness and so on.

 

As for advice, I would do what you are doing now, be her friend, be supportive but don't take it any further because right now I think she is still in the recovery stage of her break up and she needs to establish herself as a person in her own right before committing to another.

 

I know that you obviously care for this woman but you need to step back, no kissing no hugging unless its a friendly gesture.

[autumn]

I don't see anything unusual about what she is doing. You want her to trust you right off the bat. You may feel that you have been loyally waiting for her, and that she should trust you outright, because when it comes to you, - you've done her no wrong - it's the other guy she should be mistrusting, not you. Am I wrong in thinking that you think you're special? I don't mean that in a degrading way, but, you seem to be comparing yourself the other guy.

I think your feelings are normal - i'd feel the same way. The one she gave her trust to was the one that was hurting her; now the one she should trust has to take the brunt of her pain.

If you are serious about her, you have a wonderful opportunity to be the meaningful person in her life that she is looking for. She is looking for something more real than what she had in the previous relationship.

What she is doing is normal - she has even asked you some serious "long-term" questions about marriage, etc...this should make you happy - she may be open to a long term relationship with you, but she is afraid of being hurt - she wants to ensure she does not get hurt.

If I was in your shoes, I'd enjoy it for all it's worth. Don't judge her for not trusting, give her a chance to learn to trust you - this will be worth much more in the end.

[ProphetSword]

You're probably right. And being as we work in the same place (though we only see each other maybe once or twice a week), it's not like I won't have opportunities to continue being her friend.

 

After I kissed her the first time, she stopped. She had that look on her face that makes a guy go "Uh-oh...what did I do wrong?"

 

She said the kiss was both good and bad. When I asked her what she meant, she said that it was a great kiss, and the feelings that she had in her heart were good. But, she said: "I know me. I know my pattern, and this feeling will put me straight in a relationship. And that's not what I want right now. So, it's bad; because I don't want to feel good this way."

 

I keep getting the feeling that she's gun-shy. She even said so. She says to me: "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready for this. I'm interested in you, and I thought I was ready. But, now I know I'm not. I just don't want this right now."

 

And maybe I'm just insecure, but some part of me (probably from having been lied to so many times in the past) can't help but think that what she's really saying is that she's not as interested in me as she thought...

 

...and yet she kept giving clear signals the rest of the night that she was. So, I'm just confused as can be over the whole thing. Maybe I'm just dumb when it comes to women (no...I *am* dumb when it comes to women, or I'd be doing a whole lot better).

[ProphetSword]

Though I must admit that any further advice or suggestions would be helpful at this point.

 

I'm trying to figure the best way to approach her. The best method I've come up with when I see her at work is to simply treat her like a friend again...to forget that anything even happened between us, no matter how minor. But, I'm afraid that might stick me in her "friend" zone, which is not where I want to be...so I'm guessing that I should continue to flirt with her as well and let her know that she is still attractive and desired.

 

What do you think?

[autumn]

My thoughts were about your situation on the way to work today...

 

I was thinking about how I would feel if I were in her shoes. If my relationship

 

did not work out (i am having some probs right now)...how easy would it be for me

 

to delve into a new relationship? I think what I would really really want would be

 

someone to feel my pain and the confusion I'm going through. It's tough trusting

 

someone and giving them your love. It's tough to be on the other side of the boat

 

too though, because you may feel that you have to comfort her in the pain of

 

dealing with what she lost (a guy you don't like - and would like to get rid of,

 

and out of her mind quickly). I would hate to be in your shoes too, but think

 

about how you'd feel.

 

On a positive note, I think that she is looking for something to replace what she's lost. You can be more than that...you can not only replace that, but treat her well too and give her a different kind of friend than she had before. Right now, she's probably looking for you to love her for who/what she is, to accept her for all the stupid things she might say or think right now, to listen to her without judging her feelings, to hug her when she needs it, etc. Her pain will go as you bring healing to her life with love. Give her love,...not love with conditions. All the best, my friend.