Tempted to cheat every day...crumbling sex life

[morose]

I have been married about 1 year and a half. I love my wife dearly...but I feel so desperate to cheat. We have what appears to most to be everything, we just bought a home, live rather well, and everything looks perfect...but it is not. She is 24, I am nearly 29. Both white collar and reasonably attractive. She has almost no desire for sex. She gives in...to please me...but it is a mere appeasement. She has been like this for several years. She lays there, nothing but missionary, no foreplay, nothing elase involving hands, mouths, nothing. It is like sex with a sleeping person. I walk down the street and see women, I would do anything to be single again and to have an intimate and sensual sexual relationship. I have begged for years for us to see a counselor, but she just says...they always say the same thing. "you have a problem, but they never say how to fix it." I have been asking 3 years. She has begun to sort of let go of her figure. I am still attracted to her, but I fear she is physically not the person I was attracted to. I know that makes me sound awfully shallow, but...it is how I feel. I do not want to divorce, but I just don't think that she can ever be the person I desire sexually. How bad does that make me? I have resigned myself to a relationship that will never fufill me sexually. So many other things she offers me, yet I can't seem to get over the fact that my sex life is literally having sex with a warm spot, that just happens to be my wife.

[romanski]

Hi

I know what ae you going through. I did have exual relationship with prostitute just to satisfy my boredom. I am so bored but I love my wife dearly. She is less sexually inclide than me. I feel miserable out of it.

I guess best way to avoid those thoughts. I guess there is something like cognative thoughts. Try to counter those bad thoughts with good one. Do something exciting. Join any group . Try to keep yourself alive.

[segagirl]

This is when you have to get tough with your spouse. You have to be totally honest with her and lay it on the line.

Tell her you need sex as a part of your well being, that the two of you have to find a way to fix it....and don't give in. She that way at least has a choice to fix it. And I mean tell her its fix it or I sleep with someone else/leave. She will then either be willing, or then you will know where she stands.

 

If you cheat on her, you take away her choices....don't ever take away some ones choices.

 

Also she should check with her doctor, is she on the pill? esp. depo shots are killers on the sex drive. Many medications can really effect desire.

[Baffler Meal]

That's a tough one, when you're begging to see a counselor and she won't go. It sounds like she may not understand how important this is to you right now. Also, since you seem to be ashamed at being thought of as shallow, you probably have a hard time just being blunt with her. But I think you have to sit her down and just communicate your feeling honestly and calmly. Let her know that is is bad enough that you are seriously considering divorce. Then suggest counseling again.

In my opinion you have to try to save your marriage and only divorce after all possibilities are exhausted. So try something else first, anything else. I'll bet their are some things or some ways in which you haven't tried to communicate the seriousness of this with her.

 

I really think that segagirl has once again hit a home run with her take on giving your wife a choice. It's only fair to someone that you promised a total committment to be totally honest before calling it quits.

 

Good Luck.

[morose]

SheI think you guys are certainly right...I've brought it up a hundred times...she says she "cannot change her spots"

[segagirl]

perhaps, but she has not done anything to try!

 

So tell her try....therapy, medication....etc. or you cannot stay the way you are.

[romanski]

I can never understand how to make other person feel what are you going through. Couple of things happen, either other person is too pre-occupied and have no affinity to understand you or other person thinks (never mind.... any way we are married). We fail to understand that there is a nice life after marriage. If you want to keep marriage than I guess both the partner need to be more considerate . Another wife/husband should never hurt other's self esteem it can be very dangerous.

[Morrighan]

Try seeing a therapist yourself. It sounds, to me, like she won't go because she feels horrible about it and is afraid they will say it's her fault. A therapist can give you advice on how to approach it with her. You sound like a very caring husband who is trying very hard. I hope it works out okay.