PLEASE ADVISE!!! is it just me????

[mermayd]

First to give you some background, my bf and I have been together for almost a year and a half. 6 months into our relationship we both finished at our community college and in a coincidence we both wanted to go to the same college. So we have been living together since we tranfered here.

 

I was once obsessed with idea that he was involved with this girl that he was close friends with, we'll call her kristi. He and kristi once had a sexual relationship before he and I were together and they stayed friends. This really bothered me at the time and I felt like there was something going on behind my back that I was unaware of. But I never found anything that proved my assumptions. So I decided I needed to back off and that it was only my insecurities that made me think that there was something going on.

 

One more time, I snooped in his computer and I found something that blew my mind. He had been talking (intimately) with his ex gf. I had felt that there was something going on behind my back, but I was directing my concentration on the wrong person! He had been talking to his ex, we'll call her jen, for quite some time. About 4-5 months. I found this out about 3 months ago and I am just starting to finally get over it and give him a second chance bc he has proven to me that he deserves it in many ways.

 

There is another issue that has come into my mind now. I remember a while back when I was still uncomfortable with kristi that she had called my bf and when I asked what she wanted, he told me she was complaining because she just found out she had genital warts. I thought nothing of it at the time. Now kristi and I are pretty good friends and I have apologized for all my misunderstandings and assumptions. We confide in eachother about alot of things and she has told me many personal things about herself. So all in all we have established a trust. But now I have this thought in my head regarding the warts issue. The reason this has surfaced is because I, too, have them, but I had them before I got together with my bf. I think I may have gotten them from my ex.

 

So now I am questioning whether he had sex with kristi while we were together and he gave them to her. When I brought this up to my bf and asked again why she would call to tell him that, what concern it is of his, he said that she told him because she wanted him to get checked out because he could have them too. Well, he DID have them and I am curious if he gave them to her after he got them from me. She had never had a breakout until about 6 months into his and my relationship. He insists that he never has cheated on me with anyone, let alone her. but after I found out what happened with his ex and that he even almost kissed er, its hard for me to believe anything he says and I am afraid that he is just trying to cover his butt.

 

My question is, do you think it is likely that he cheated on me with kristi? Should I even worry myself about this? I feel like if I dont know the truth, it will linger in my mind always. Or do you think that I am just directing my jealousy at different people bc it seems that I have always been jealous of one person or another at some point in our relationship. there were about 3-4 other girls I was questioning before I even thought about kristi. And once I felt secure about them, I was jealous of kristi and thinking something was happening. But the when I was secure about kristi and felt ok about the situation, I directed my attention and energy toward jen, his ex. Now that I am feeling better about jen, I feel like I am just looking for someone to be jealous of and think bad thoughts of.

 

Please help me sort this out. Im so sick of always questioning things and I think most of it comes from my own insecurities rather than actual fact. I have been dealing with one saga after another when it comes to other girls and jealousy. I want it to end. Please gimme your input!

[segagirl]

Hello Mermayd,

 

My question to you is...do you want to live this way? Always guessing, always living in fear? I want to assume no. Which means you have some soul searching to do. Only you can stop the way you feel, and choose to live in a way of blind faith, or leaving.

 

See.. yes, he may have cheated. Is it effecting what you have now? The real question is are you concerned he will do it again.....if so you have to decide if it's because you just don't trust him....or....if it's you. We tend to carry our own personal fears around, throwing them which ever way we go. Be sure this is not baggage, if you know what I mean...

 

You have to work with him to create the happiness you want, you cannot get to that if you do not trust him.

[mermayd]

I think you are absolutely right that I have to do some soul searching. I am fearful that he will not always be faithful to me. In part bc of my own insecurities, and also bc many men do not stay faithful for very long.

In your opinion, given the situation, do you think he did? Or do you think it could go either way just as easily? I was even thinking of asking kristi myself, next time we talked. But I am unsure if I should or not. Should I tell my bf that I think I had them before we even got together? I think that fact weighs heavily if he hears it. It will be like he doesnt have as many excuses if I do. but then if I do and he really DIDNT cheat, I have told him something that I kept hidden and brought on unnecessary issues. Thank you so much for responding. I really really need some help in this and I was afraid no one would respond.

[segagirl]

hi,

 

I think it does not matter if he did or not. I think it is causing you to lose sight of the issue at hand. Do you trust him or not? If not, can you find a way to trust him? And sure men and women sometimes cheat...but that should not stop you from trusting, if you do that my friend, you will find yourself alone.

 

I think you do indeed have to look into yourself and decide what to do now...meaning how do you say, it stops now! You do this by deciding what your fears actually are, is it his behavior? Then when you are ready, sit him down and talk about that issue...not kristi, not the ex. But the real issue...honey I am not ok with you emailing girls when I dont know about it, honey I am not ok with you talking to ex's without me around...Set limits with him.

 

before that though, you have to decide...is he someone you can trust? You do not need "proof" to answer that question. Can you let your heart go to him? If not, can you picture giving the benefit of the doubt to anyone? We all question at times...but you have to know when to stop, set limits...and just dive in to love.