rise and fall

[silentalways]

I am the second born, and the first son, of 4 children my parents had. Well, factually, I am the third born and second son because my parents had a son before me but he died during birth so I guess i am the 'we'll try again' child of the family. I was born premature and was always sick as a child. I had the kind of fevers where you would see monsters and that was no looked kindly upon by my father. At an early age I discovered I was a burden so to protect myself I found ways to protect myself from hurt. This usually involved shrugging off my hurt as if it meant nothing and in doing so started at an early age unconscoiyusly thinking people did the same thing. So when I said or did something to hurt someone I never gave it the right measure of import. Thru grade school I was so skinny that in grade 4 my teacher used me as a skeletal example and had me take off my shirt in front of my class and let her poke around my rib cage. In order to survive I became the class clown and developed ways of expressing my hurt silently and personally thru art and music. High school was a blur of existence that really meant nothing nor prepared me for life as an adult. But what I lacked in ability I made up for with generousity and determination. I married too young and during a time where I had learned that the way to cope from ones weaknesses was through drinking. So from my teens to my twenties my coping mechanism was to run from trouble through self abuse and lies and after a period of self punishment I would overachieve and be capable of things I always wanted to accomplish and slowly I became the man I believe I could be. In the process I learned how to finally open my heart and trust completely in people – to the point where I never doubted or felt people in general held malice towards another. That changed when I discovered my then wife had lived a 'separate life' and it was then that my ability to 'trust' was lost. Because of this, I had to end my marriage and co-parent – something I never wanted to do. Some time later, destiny decided that I would meet someone so amazing that it would impact my life in ways I couldn't imagine at the time. We actually met online and we found out about each other first through words, then by voice and then we met in person – by then I already knew how fortunate I was. Over the next few years, I experienced what it is like for the first time to be in love with someone, to make love with someone, to actually envision growing old with someone and wanting to do and give my all to someone without question – unconditional. I believe our love was so strong that when we told each other we were soulmates – we meant the words – they were not lies. In the beginning, this woman saw her situation and mine as being unequal and that she felt at a disadvantage because of her past. I never once felt we were anything other than equals and we shared everything. To this day I know I saw love in her eyes for me, I saw appreciation and caring, I know she believed in me and that as she grew as a person and a woman and needed to lean on me less, I was proud of what she was accomplishing, how great of a mother she was, her hidden strengthens and I woke up every day thinking of her. I remember one time I knew she was completely happy and relax and it was one morning where she started singing in the shower and walked out of the bathroom without concern for covering up. She was safe, comfortable and assure of herself, me, and us. Then she hit a crossroad, between wanting a job that matched her qualifications and abilities and the need to make her family proud, and she had already become confident and would not let her ex determine her mood or fate. So she was balancing a love, her past, her career, her school, her daughter, and living in a home that was not her own. At this time I started suffering from a depression but did not realize it at the time because depression is gradual. She had already gone thru one so I imagined she saw the signs, and she did and tried to help. I had to take time off work and for 4 out of 8 months I had no income but was carrying the household debt as she and daughter had moved in even though we both knew that was a risk. I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 I started to see myself as failing her, and everyone and turned to past learned behaviours to cope only this time I used cocaine and became addict. In the process I became for 8 months out of 44 years an emotionally abusive person that neglected everyone and wasted hours online in chat rooms talking about meaningless sex issues with strangers while I whacked myself out substance wise and emotionally. In the process I felt that she had given up and hated me and when she left – I was still gonzo and in an empty house as I had given away my stuff so we could use hers and make my home feel like hers. before she left I had no idea what my behviour was actually like. I didn't realize I was being unfaithful, because I was sick and actually punishing myself by doing the things I was doing. I know it got too much for her and that she believed I would never get better and that the things I had done had forever corrupted our relationship. When I finally recovered it was too late. I was, now forever in her eyes, heart and mind, that creep that hurt her deeply. I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to have fallen so deeply in love with someone and then totally collapse from stress to the point where you become unrecognizable to even yourself and betray everything you stand for and hurt the woman you love so much that they refuse to ever speak to you againu and see only 'the bad time' and then actually 'wake up' from that nightmare, realize and watch this love vanish before your eyes and have to come to grips with the fact that your behaviour, unintentional and caused by extroduary factors, has destroyed what you waited all your life for . then have to fiond a way to accept that this woman will never come back nor see or think of you in the ways she once did. And to find a way to somehow let go of that person in your heart because they have already done so with you. So, because of 7 months out of 4 years, because of a time where I stumbled, I am faced with the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life – find a way to let go of something that I know is never coming back and deal with the fact that I in no way intended all this to happen. I am a good man, great father and loving partner. I had never been happier in my life. And because I know she sees me as she does and thinks of me now in the exact opposite ways she once did, I will carry that scar in my heart forever – I truly believe that. I have tried every which way to tell her I understand her hurt, to apologize, to show strength and love but nothing has or will make a difference. People tell me, just move on, get a hobby, forget her, date again – but how do those things solve matters of the heart? How does going to a gym make me refocus and capable of healing from something like that? These are bandaids and do nothing for a broken heart let alone somehow make amends to her and to show respect to her. I know that I will never faulter again like I did and I wish she would want to try again and believe in us but the reality is – she will not. I know her too well. I am forever marked and stained by 30 seconds out of a lifetime and as much as I know she is hurting – it is both of us that have lost something great. I have reached out because I see promise but she doesn't and now I have to find a way to let go of this love – because that is what it is – not an obsession, not an illusion, not a fantasy – but a true and pure love we both shared and one that I alone ruined. And over the last few months I have gone from delusional because of despair to asking confidently for her hand by showing her all the things I have done and ways I have changed – with only silence as a reply. So, after saying all this, can anyone tell me – how does one move on after something like this?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You seems to have a hard life while you are growing up.

 

Time will heal us. Thought sometimes we might some relapse and think about our exes, we will get through it.

 

We live and we learn. No one could replace your unique experience with her. However, you still have to opportunity to create new experience for yourself, be it alone or with someone else. The main point is you are still alive. You always have a choice, you could choose to face the reality positively or negatively. The choice is yours.