humbled

[silentalways]

Last night a stranger told me

Things I didn't want to hear

But her words washed over me

With gentleness and care

It felt like her voice to me

And its ok if that's what I need

Because

A stranger told me how my eyes

Were closed for far too long

And that all I'm doing is nothing more

Than wishing things had never changed

That's so selfish of me

This wanting

Like making what I did was somehow fine

Its just another way of lying

And letting sadness control your life

See when you betray someone you love

And destroy their trust and dreams

When you treat someone so bad

What good are promises

I keep looking back

Thinking she is near

That's denial and searching and thinking

Why did this happen to me

Last night a stranger told me

I can close my eyes and wish she was here

Not to fix something broken

Just so I can feel someone that was real

I didn't believe

I didn't hold dear

I didn't believe

That she would never be here

With me

But I love this woman madly

Never been more sure of anything

And I know that I hurt her in ways

I still can not believe

But I don't see ruins pure and simple

I see the arc of frail love

I have no fear of rejection again

My will and purpose to never stumble again

Is from my flesh and made of steel

Not born of despair

We both know what love is

And how people change and grow

Love pulls you back

Lets you let down your guard

Lets you back in

I miss everything about her

In ways I cannot speak

These words from my heart

Are humbled by my wrongs

Her silence is like a lighthouse

I don't know where it leads

I ask her to trust and be brave

And hear these words turning in the wind

Last night a stranger told me

Things I didn't want to hear

But her words washed over me

With gentleness and care

It felt like her voice to me

And thats ok

[honeyspur]

Very beautiful.....

[silentalways]

i wrote that last night and i hope the woman it is intended for reads it

[silentalways]

i know i am asking for alot from her - a huge leap of faith on her part really when everything is considered. sometimes, in life, we should rebel against letting a part of someones past be the sole image of how we view another - it is difficult to move away from a snapshot of memory and watch the whole movie instead. if one can do that then mistakes, while still damaging, can be taken with less hurt and a future is not as risky as one thinks. i am in the process of making so many great changes and if she can join me - that would be bliss. but i am realistic and aware that having a positive expectation is fools gold. all i can do i rely on the same stroke of luck that brought us together in the first place.

[Ellie2006]

Sending lots of "luck" your way!

[silentalways]

that was really nice to hear. i would like to explain something that really has no valid explaination - because i just should have been stronger but i wasn't. i made several mistakes:

1. should have moved in together in our own house

2. should have realized that i still had issues from my past that needed work

3. that just because you were in a 'family' environment previously, blended families are different

4. that bad learned behaviours like escaping from stress need to be corrected not utilized as a means of survival

5. that treating someone poorly and with disrespect will over-ride love

6. that lying and shame is a road to nowhere

7. that depression and addiction will rob you of everything

8. that never take anything or anyone for granted

 

what i have corrected:

1. i am learning honesty

2. i admit i did hurtful things

3. i have listed my home and will move shortly

4. no computer and internet at home

5. learning everyday what a healthy relationship is all about

7. taking responsibilty for my wrongs

8. telling her i love her and want to try again if she does to

9. never do the things i did that corrupted my soul and her trust in me

 

i hope this somehow makes sense and a difference to her