Help me please!

[caliboy_2007]

Hey everybody,

My GF of almost 2 years asked for a break about 6 weeks ago. She said I was the best guy she could ever be with but there is something in her that she's trying to figure out. It was hard but I tried to understand and she came back to me and I took her back. We have been perfect ever since. She's paid more attentiont to me and been more caring towards me.

 

The problem was that I KNEW there was something that she took the break for... maybe she wanted to be sure or ... but there WAS something. Today, I checked her phone (first time checking her phone) and I saw a text from couple weeks ago from what seemed to be a guy so I confronted her, she said it was her so and so's sister asking how she is (The text was more of How's my baby, miss you, call me, etc.). So, I said I know she's not telling me the truth and I became silent... we were going in the car and she finally said "Yes, I lied to you, it was a guy I was talking to you when we were on break".

 

I was heart broken, it was the worst thing I could have ever heard from her. She had NEVER lied to me and the bad thing was that I HAD ASKED HER after she came back to me (after the break) that "Did you talk to anybody, was there anybody else envolved" and she had repeatedly said "NO". but She had lied.

She continued to tell me that she met him online, they never met but talked on the phone.

 

now I know it takes 2 people to talk... I mean, she DID GIVE HER phone number out... that means she was interested. I understand she was on break and could have done anything she wanted to but why lie, after me asking 6-7 times if there was anybody she talked to and still lying... I was on the other hand, all the time of the break, everynight in tears missing her. That didn't feel good at all. She said she went to an online chat because she was bored and talked to few guys and this one she proceeded to talk on the phone.

 

So after all this, she told me that she lied because she didn't want me to get hurt and she knows she made a mistake, she loves me now and that was what she took the break for, to find out if she is really in love with me or not and she is now (what she says).

 

I was hurt really bad... I don't think I was being selfish... I put my whole life and emotions on the line for her in this 1.5 year. I had always asked her "Honey, if there comes up something in our lives that you think if you tell me I get upset/sad, please TELL ME anyways. I rather KNOW it than FINDING IT OUT".

 

My question is that, WHAT would you guys/girls do in this situation? She's left me once and I just can't afford this kind of unstability again in my life. I'm 25 and she's 26. The guys apparently was 28.

[Budman]

I'm sorry, you're not going to like my answer.

 

Truthfully it sounds like she went on the break for that guy.

 

OR that guy caused the "issues" for it to happen.

 

I really really hate to say this but, she has lied to you once (proven), Especially a lie that she knew would hurt you.

 

If she was honest and said that when you were getting back together you would have been hurt but kind of understood.

 

It's more of along the sense "during that break" she was looking at other guys. How can you be sure she didn't sleep with them, or how can you be sure that she won't do it again?

 

Personally, I'm a high and mighty honesty guy. I don't lie (try not to), and I definitely wouldn't lie in that situation. I would kick her butt to the curb (pending no children being involved) and say adios.

 

Thats just me though, mind you my recent "break" if you could call it that, we were still saying I love you, and I only want to be with you. So I might be a bit biased.

[caliboy_2007]

Thanks Budman but here is some facts:

- No children envolved

- We're both Virgins and I'm (now almost - not 100%) sure that she hasn't slept with him - he's waaay far from where she lives - like 5-6 hours and he suggested to come here to see her but she declined.

- She said specifically that she didn't want me to think that she took a break FOR THIS GUY or A GUY... she took a break to find out her own feelings which I verymuch believe

 

so, what do you think? I have a feeling we'll be ok but the fact that she TALKED to somebody and GAVE HER PHONE# to somebody is cutting my heart into pieces.

[Survictor]

I would say she isn't being completely honest.

[caliboy_2007]

I would say she isn't being completely honest.

 

Could you be more specific? About what part is she not being honest?

[Daddy Bear]

i don't know, i kind of see it differently than Budman does. she met someone that she thought might be better for her--that's not uncommon--but she apparently sees something greater in you that brought her around. her new-found appreciation for you might even make things more stable than they ever were before. she lied to spare your feelings; don't let it sour you.

 

"if you love something" ...how does that old saying go?

[caliboy_2007]

i don't know, i kind of see it differently than Budman does. she met someone that she thought might be better for her--that's not uncommon--but she apparently sees something greater in you that brought her around. her new-found appreciation for you might even make things more stable than they ever were before.

 

"if you love something" ...how does that old saying go?

 

Exactly... that's how I wanna think... if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if not, it never was.

 

I really like to think this way but I've been put between a rock and a hard place... I WANNA KNOW the reality.

[Survictor]

1. She didn't tell you the real reason she broke up with you perhaps?

2. She didn't tell you about the other guy and repeatedly lied and said no.

3. Whilst you were in tears, she was bored and went online flirting with another guy and giving out her phone number

4. The text message left appears to be informal and suggests more than an online or phone flirt.

 

What will be will be.

[Budman]

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

 

Ok, sorry I just never had the opportunity to do that =D

 

Reality is this:

 

You have 2 choices in this matter.

 

1. You forget about it, never let it come up again. It is gone it never happened...ever. You find it insignificant and more on with her.

2. You don't.

 

There is no inbetween man, can you trust her still? Is she going to have to earn trust?

 

Also did you trust her before (you looked through her phone (HECK wifey/fiance/gf is currently down at her parents after a HUGE fight, I've not even picked up her phone from where she put it. (of course now oddly I have the notion to look through it, but thats from the topic at hand anyway...) Did you trust her before this, and can you trust her again.

 

Reality is its your decision. If you can't trust her there is no relationship. No matter how much you love someone, if you can't trust them then tough.

 

And this is why I said what I did earlier.

 

If you love something let it go... Yes thats a lovely analogy, but if you love something you trust it to come back.

[Budman]

Man, you guys are paranoid.

 

I've been hurt as well, and very badly, like Jerry Springer badly. But come on, not everybody is evil.

 

Ok, untrustworthy people do untrustworthy things.

 

It is very true, but as I was just told from my wifey's brother, "You've never done anything untrustworthy, hell I trust you more than some of my family"

 

Yes I may be an exception, but I still lay this case before the court, "to hide the littlist of things is the path for greater deception"

 

Now, I do however agree with one of the above posters, you need to have an open environment, but at the same time noone is going to be "Thats ok you cheated on me...either"

[caliboy_2007]

You're right SURVICTOR and also CHATBOT.

 

But, I lean more towards CHATBOT... there's been no pattern of dis-honesty (as far as I know) and I like to move on THINKING that maybe her being with that guy made her decision even stronger towards US (that's also what she says - she says it made her realize she wants to spend the rest of her life with only me).

 

It's just hard to know (what SURVICTOR said) that:

- She didn't tell you about the other guy and repeatedly lied and said no

and

- Whilst you were in tears, she was bored and went online flirting with another guy and giving out her phone number

 

 

why would she do that if she was in love with me?

[Budman]

^read my post above

 

Its not adding up, in my pesimistic mind.

[friscodj]

I think the direction of this will depend on honest answers to these questions:

 

1) Can you really trust her again? This is something only you can answer. We're not in this relationship, you are. I think relationships can recover from things like this and they can also dissolve. It depends on the individuals involved. Time will tell here I think, or trusting your intuition and forethought...

 

2) Will trying to answer (1) and trying to figure all this out completely consume your life and hinder the progress of the relationship? I think to assuage your soul, you need to hear the whole story from her and get your feelings out. There needs to be cleansing here I think because if you harbor any unaddressed feelings, they will build, and build, and then BOOM.

 

Have you done this? Did she meet this guy before the break? Did she take a break, then meet this guy? Why did she want a break then? You need to look to the deeper issues here why she would even consider looking elsewhere to have her emotions desires met.

 

At any rate, enjoy the turkey...

[caliboy_2007]

Thanks frisco, I've answered the questions:

 

Have you done this?

No, I tried asking her for more details but she just wants me to forget it - she even started saying "we were broken up - I don't have to explain you anything" but then she apologized and said sorry but still refused to go into details. According to this link (link removed) that is one of liars' detection signs.

 

Did she meet this guy before the break?

Based on what she said, NO. She met him when she was on break.

 

Did she take a break, then meet this guy?

Yes

 

Why did she want a break then?

To find out her emotions towards me as she put it. She knew I'd be the best guy for her (as she says) but there was something in her that she had to figure out and she says she's not figured it out. Kind of like now BEING SURE I'M THE ONE FOR HER.

 

You need to look to the deeper issues here why she would even consider looking elsewhere to have her emotions desires met.

That's what I don't know. She says she was bored. That's just not right I think.

[Budman]

Honestly (frisco I enjoy your responses I really do) I agree with frisco.

 

its completely up to you, on what you want htoudie.

 

The only thing I can say, you don't believe her, you don't believe her at all.

 

of course it is a little odd mind you, that she wants a break fully knowing she wants to be with you, and she gets bored and goes on a fling.

 

In my humble opinion, she would not have been bored she would have been miserable. OK, also if he said, "How's my baby, etc etc" Then thats not a week or two thing (most likely)...

 

its not adding up, its not working out. 2+2 does not equal 5. Now with that said, if you want to move on, and you want to forget about it, that has to start now, right now you aren't able to get over it.

 

No matter how insignificant this seems, it is significant to you.

 

Some people get divorced over a kiss, some people don't get divorced over an open relationship. It all depends on the person.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i have to give her credit for going on a break BEFORE she took up a flirtation with someone. lots of people would have just investigated that while you were still together, and really been dishonest.

 

but if you genuinely feel she ditched you so she could pursue someone, which didn't work out so she came back, then getting back together might not be a good idea. some people can't stand to be alone, so they will do the yo-yo thing back and forth between partners, not because a particular relationship is good (or the best), but because they always want someone on tap.

 

but in this case, especially since she was 'on break' a very short time, you could say she came to her senses and realized you really were the one for her.

 

there are never any guarantees what she will do in the future, but is she worth giving it another try? if you really feel that way, then i'd say stay with her, but if she tries the 'break' thing again, then i'd say she is jerking you around so she can pursue passing fancies. so see how it goes, and break up with her if she starts expressing doubts again, or wants another break.

[caliboy_2007]

UPDATE

 

I just talked to her this morning. I come to find out from her that she's been with 2 people while on break. 1st one: Her EX (from 3 years ago) that called her saying he still loves her and ...... before me and her go on our little vacation, she never told me anything and the day we were coming back from vacation we had a huge fight and she took the 1st break right then and there. Lasted about 2 weeks, she came back running to my arms. Now, what happened in that 2 weeks: She went out with her EX, still didn't like him, he had the nerves to call her to go to a hotel room with him (she's a virgin), she hung up never talked to him again. came back to me. That's the 1st break.

 

The 2nd break, she took the break, few days later (1 week), she went online chatting not to find a BF, but just to chat, chatted with 5-6 guys, gave her phone# to one and started talking to him. He was serious about getting married (we're not american, the guy apparently was looking for a serious relationship). She told him "No" and they never talked again. They never met each other.

 

The thing that bothered me as well as all the others was that at the first break... her EX knew she had a BF (she told him then) but all he had to do was 1 call and saying nice words and got her to meet him for a movie. How bad is that?

 

I don't know what to do. I said I'll take her back but she has to come clean to me and tell me everything which she did (above). but it hurts that all it took was her EX to call her once and the 2nd time he called she KNOWING it's him, picked up (She has admited to all the above and them being wrong).

 

She said she has now found that I am the one for her and will never let me go. I don't know if I should trust her anymore (if I can or not actually).

[Budman]

Quite honestly man, you must figure that out can you trust her or can you not.

 

You found out htat during 2 breaks she met and yatta with 2 guys.

 

Okie dokey, that is up to you, Also if you want to stay with this girl you HAVE to drop it now man trust me on this, it will eat you alive.

[caliboy_2007]

Quite honestly man, you must figure that out can you trust her or can you not.

 

You found out htat during 2 breaks she met and yatta with 2 guys.

 

Okie dokey, that is up to you, Also if you want to stay with this girl you HAVE to drop it now man trust me on this, it will eat you alive.

 

Thanks man,

I have chosen to stay with her. She was in tears and said that those 2 made whatever "doubt" she had about us to go away and she wants me. She said she's sorry and she now knows that she wants to be with me truly. Nothing will ever happen again and she will never do that.

 

I know this is typical for all the "come back" situations after a party finds out their loved one cheated (it was nothing short of cheating. the next day after the break up she was talking to the EX and in a few days, she started dating him - for once but still, it was dating).

 

So I am going through all my emotions and it's hard but I wanna stay with her. That's my choice. I hope I'm making the right choice. I know that now that I have made my decisions, I HAVE TO drop it. I find it hard not to keep asking her about them but I'm doing my best. She has told me everything there was and I should be ok... I guess it takes time now.

[friscodj]

The fact that she is hiding details from you is not a good sign. That tells me that the core communication and openness value of your relationship is suspect. She might be embarrassed by what happened, it might have surprised her too, and it might take some time for her to start opening up more. I just don't like at all how she hid behind the technicality of the "break" and using it to excuse her from telling you what happened. I guess those who follow "relationship rules" to the letter would say otherwise but it seems to bring some deeper core issues to light in my mind. There is a fine line between privacy, evasiveness, and deception, and she is walking it here.

 

I think this is going to linger in the back of your mind and hinder progress here. I think this point will come to light the next rough time you guys face. I would give it some time and if it still bothers you, the unanswered questions, I'd try to find answers for the sake of the relationship.

 

OK, why do you think she was bored? Has she alluded to anything that is making her bored, in words or actions? Her body language perhaps? That is a loaded answer and you should work to unload it I think.

[friscodj]

This is tough man, really tough, on two levels:

 

1) She might be using you, going off whenever she wants, doing whatever she wants, with whoever she wants, and then coming back to you whenever she wants. I think it's too early to make this assessment but I can definitely see things headed in this direction. Keep an eye on this, trust you perception and judgment of this situation. If you feel you are being jerked around...you probably are...

 

2) I am a firm believer that if a relationship reaches the point where one or both people are at the point of giving the relationship "one more chance", it is essesntially already done. So, try not to think of the relationship now as giving things "one more chance". In order to do that, you need to get the the very bottom of all this, so keep working on that. Tell her its necessary, you won't judge her for what she says, and you need to know for the sake of the relationship as lingering questions and not knowing is going to barricade your trust for her, regardless of the technicalities of the "break" of the relationship. And her opening up to you when she technically doesn't have to, will speak volumes of the bond you guys have together and go far to taking this to the next level.

[friscodj]

You made your decision to stay in this and I support that.

 

OK, she told you everything as you see it. That's good.

 

The tough part here is "dropping it" without "dropping it". First things first, make sure things are settled with her and these guys. You say her ex called her after 3 years and professed his love to her. And what about this other chump? Make sure those situations are completely dead and buried with her. No expections there, no excuses. And if they keep coming around, you should get involved directly...

 

And it will take time to "drop it" and this never 100% going to be "dropped", don't expect that. In time you'll forget the details but the memory of the situation might resurface from time to time. You should work on methods for yourself to deal with the memories instead of fighting to put them away completely.

[caliboy_2007]

Firsco, Thanks a bunch.

I read this a little late but I have essentially done exact thing as you mentioned in this response. I made an environment for her to open up to me and she did when she didn't have to. She also went as far as every detail when she didn't have to, so I take that as a positive sign.

I told her it's going to take time for me to trust her again but I'm willing to try. She understands and said will do anything it takes to support me and be with me again. She says, what ever happened made her realize how much she's meant to be with me and made her SURE about that.

 

I made sure those guys are done, at least to her word. She swears that she never had any feelings for either one and I confronted her saying "if you didn't, then why did it only take 1 call with some sweet talking to make you step on a 20 month relationship?!!", she said "I had to figure out this curiosity... this thing that was in my mind... that why I answered his call the 2nd time... that why you were so sure and I wasn't". I understood and said "Time will tell me how sure you are".

 

It's hard to not remember those. I get flashbacks from her being with him at the movies, etc... or her talking to that other chump at nights when I would normally talk to her (let alone that those same nights, probably same time, I was in tears, wishing her best from GOD). but I have to go through it. I don't want to make her feel more guilty than she already does so I'm being quite.

 

Thanks.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

when you say 'took up' with someone else, do you mean sexually unfaithful, or met them for a cup of coffee to talk?

 

i think it is normal when one goes on a break to meet with other people and talk to them, even an ex- if they are familiar etc. so that is not being unfaithful to you if you both agreed to a break... when she's on a break, she can do what she wants because she not with you, and you have agreed to take a break. you shouldn't take breaks during relationships unless you mean it... otherwise stay together and work it out.

 

so i wouldn't get too hung up with her talking to other people on a break... what is important is is she faithful to you when you two are together? and do you really want to be with her?

[Survictor]

You need to look to the deeper issues here why she would even consider looking elsewhere to have her emotions desires met.

That's what I don't know. She says she was bored. That's just not right I think.

 

I agree with that.

 

However, she does say she realises she loves you and wants to be with you. If you love her, you may be prepared to put it behind you. If there came a next time however, I would read all these posts again.